Operation Global Media Domination: The Governor-General Situation

Well Possums, while it seems that we are still the front-runner in the stakes to become Canada’s newest Governor-General, that’s only because nobody else seems to want the job. Nonetheless, we will not allow ourselves to be discouraged (as you can see, we’re already slipping into the Royal Third Person). Nay, nay! Quite the contrary.

We have begun referring to “The general situation” as “The vice-regal situation” in order to slide more seamlessly into our inevitable new vice-regalian role as GG.

There have been a few refinements to the platform over the past several weeks and indeed more than a whole month now. How the time flies when you’re running a satirical campaign to make an anarchal communist the Queen’s Representative in Canada!

First of all, we have our first fan-created marketing collateral, in the form of this beauteous featured image from @Owlerine.

With the backup, just in case Plan A doesn’t work out. Which, in my world it never does.

For one thing, it looks like kd lang is indeed on board as our Ambassador to Narnia, a post necessitated by the past activities of our Grand Vizier, Vermine Supreme, who has previously called for the elimination of the scrappy fantasy nation by the use of nuclear weapons. If anyone can smooth this over, it’s kd lang.

We tried to sweeten the pot, but haven’t heard back. No doubt Her People will be in touch soon.

Every imperial power needs its minions, and god knows I love me (have I dropped the We already? Well, why not? Even the Conservatives have by now) some good overalls.

The Internet was won in the course of that conversation, by the way. The subtlety! The literacy! The sheer elegance! We shall make Samantha Sara ambassador to the Interwebs in response.

The staff ranks are filling out nicely. We’ve locked down our woolly mammoth charioteer (sorry, still don’t have a driver’s license and am pretty sure you need one for that), who will also serve as First Minister and Protector of the History of Dinosaurs (offer not available in Alberta).

The platform, also, is coming along.

  • It shall be illegal to wear a cowboy hat if you cannot ride a horse. Yes, most particularly if you are Albertan.
  • As part of the Emotional Support Equine Program (ESEP) run by Grand Vizier Vermin Supreme, We will create a federal program to teach people to ride. It’ll be like Riding for the Disabled, only for Albertans who really, really want to wear cowboy hats. And if they wear a ballcap indoors even once, they have to surrender their cowboy hat FOR LIFE.
  • UBI duh and for once it seems like at least one federal party is with me on that.
  • Rideau Hall grounds converted to permaculture, but we are DEFINITELY keeping the skating rink. Hey, I just bought skates!
  • Monday after Daylight Savings Time will be called Coffee Appreciation Day, and will be Canada’s contribution to the Commonwealth.
  • Doug Ford will be replaced by a committee of Maritime premiers, a day which will be marked nation-wide by kitchen parties of the vaccinated and the charitable distribution of lobster rolls. We will have an Atlantic boil-up at Rideau Hall and spend the day dishing up food to those suffering from food insecurity which, after UBI, should be about a half a dozen people in the whole bloody country.
  • The Levee will be reinstituted, and will be combined with Sheep Dipping Day. The kids will love it, and it’ll be elegant as fuck.

On the purely political front, we or I or all of us have settled on a hashtag, #rain4GG which you are cordially invited to spam to the skies.

My competition on the right seems to be destroying itself, and since everyone including Karl Marx is to the right of me, this is nothing but great news.

BTW we really mean this pony thing. By September 2022, all Canadians who want one will be issued an Emotional Support Pony or ESP, thanks to the ESEP of Grand Vizier Vermine Supreme.

I will not be changing my haircolour. Makes me easier to spot in crowds. Everyone from my planet has this colour naturally anyway.

We are collecting endorsements from all over: the Sciences, the Arts, even Law:

And the Air Force:

And the Navy and the Cavalry too:

Now we need to get on that theme song. OH MINION!!!

That brings us about up to date on the campaign.

We haven’t had any op/eds run in any newspapers or even Macleans because we have been lazy and haven’t written any.

We haven’t spent any of our allocated campaign funds at all, mostly because we haven’t got any.

If there’s some federal funding for this, could you be a doll and tip us off? We generally — I mean vice-regally — don’t know much about federal funding. Just ask our CERB officer.

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