Once again we at the ol’ raincoaster blog can only shake our heads in dismay (I have five, and they rattle when they really get going) at the sad ignorance displayed in this report from Latvia.

Locals initially reported seeing “strange things” in the area.

One girl said that she had seen “a small bright object with a silver ring around it”, while other witnesses reported seeing up to six symmetrical beams of light emerging from the pond.

It seems a large hole has appeared in the ice of a heretofor-frozen lake, and the sudden appearance thereof, andof other bizarre phenomena, has put local yokeldom to speculating about the possible arrival and submersion of a UFO, or the possibility of a large chunk of blue ice falling from such an object (aliens, presumably, being no better at disposing of their wastes than a dirty Boeing) and creating said hole.

These theories are, naturally, so ridiculous and indicative of backwateryness that we need hardly raise an eyebrow before dismissing them with a snort.

Let us look at the facts instead; verily, let us turn to science which, as always, has all the answers if indeed only a subset of the questions at any given time.

What are lakes made of? That’s right, dihydrogen monoxide. And what covers frozen lakes? Correct again, ice covers frozen lakes, by definition and by gosh and by golly. And what happens when a large bolus of heated gas escapes its deep-water containment in a body of water which is covered by ice? Three for three, my friend: the gas rises and breaks the surface, either melting or blasting its way to freedom.

Otherwise, can you imagine the stench from all those saved-up fish farts at the Spring break-up?

Obviously, this strange hole is an indication that somewhere in the depths of this Unnamed and Unnameable Lake lies an active and populated (and gastrically distressed) settlement of Deep Ones, if indeed it is not itself the fabled Lake of Hali in the Frozen Wastes (and, I mean, not to put too fine a point on it but, have you ever been to Latvia? Exactly) and, thus, home to far greater horrors than these mere servants of Great Cthulhu.

Ia! Ia! Latvia fh’artagn!

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