over Steve Jobs’ dead body

Steve Jobs’ Grave. iDied.

Note: Belkin dock

UPDATE; if you got here after October 4th, 2011, you want to look at this post too. It’s my tribute to Steve.

Steve Jobs = Cthulhu

Steve Jobs wants you to sample his waresNo, it’s true.

Really.

It makes total sense.

It explains so much.

Think about it.

Once, ages ago, a race of bizarre, loathesome creatures ruled the Earth. Writhing and gibbering in the Stygian darkness of their lair, ravening for the blood of those who worshipped them, this strangely Protean race nearly destroyed the youthful planet in its ceaseless quest to slake their endless thirst for the very souls of the damned.

They were the Great Old Ones. Eventually, they were banished; we can only pray that they never return to debase the race of humans again in horrific slavery and unthinkable perversion.

And in this pantheon, one monstrosity reigned supreme.

Great Cthulhu.

Right now, everyone reading is thinking “You’re wrong. These guys look nothing alike.” Of course not, his true identity is obfuscated by the best possible disguise known to man: Ugly glasses. Ugly glasses, made even more opaque by parting his strangely masculine hair differently. If Cthulhu had glasses and parted to the left, these would be virtually identical, right down to the AppleStore he’s crawling out of. Think I’m lying? Take another look.

That may just be the smartest, most dangerous thing I’ve ever read on LiveJournal. But there’s more.

So. Much. More.

Check it out:

Cthulhu: imprisoned in his tomb in Rlyeh, not dead but dreaming.
Jobs: Next.

Cthulhu: The Necronomicon
Jobs: Ayn Rand, The I Ching

Cthulhu: Politics
Jobs: Politics and more Politics

Cthulhu: something of a personnel-retention issue
Jobs: upon regaining freedom, destroys his innocent rescuers

Cthulhu: Lolthulhu
Jobs: Fake Steve Jobs

Cthulhu: advanced wireless telecommunication technology
Jobs: iPhone

Think about it.

Even Cthulhu faces a challenge with this one

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booze nooze yooze can use

how much cider could a woodchuck upchuck cider...Why pay big bucks for your chick beer when you can now make your very own ciders and perry? A tenth of the cost of Smirnoff Ice, and far more pretention-worthy than anything out of a can or a plastic bottle, plus full of nutritious vitamins and minerals. Also, phytochemicals. That’s right; we’re here to help you get shitfaced responsibly. Your liver may not thank me but research (and my luck in singles bars) indicates your colon will.

The best way to thank me is to invite me over to sample a batch and send me home in a limo with a couple of cases.

From The Real Cider and Perry Page. Give it a go and let me know when you’ve got GrowersMerridale, and Strongbow on the run.

…The juice was collected in a 30 gallon plastic bin that was once used to carry Strawberries around. We added 5 LB’s of Raisons and let it ferment outside for 3 months. After 3 months we racked it off into 5 gallon barrels and started drinking it a few months later. Next time I’ll wash the hessian more thoroughly since the cider had a distinct hessianny taste! – this lead to some wag christening it as “Sacks’N’Socks Cider” (Anglo pun intended!). The cider also matures much better in the barrels than it did in bottles – it keeps so well it doesn’t seem worth the effort to bottle.

So all in all very successful – and sooooo easy compared with beermaking!

Snakebite! Cider and lager and hangoversand here, for ease of use even when drunk, is the recipe index.

Cider Recipes

Perry Recipes

Yup: play along at home as Gillian busts her Perry Cherry.

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death poetry jam: fired from Apple for laying it down hardcore on the Canadian FedEx lady

Actually, all the FedEx ladies I know but one are gay. But Canadian FedEx ladies, gay, straight, or undecided Guatemalan poncho-clad and living off the Drive, are cool; this is not in dispute.

I knew one woman who worked with FedEx not because they had a great partner benefits program, which I believe they did, nor because the pay was good, which I believe it was, nor because the hours were flexible and suited her, which I believe they did, but rather because, on every cargo flight, there is an extra jumpseat in the cockpit which is available to FedEx employees who may wish to fly to, say, Bali, say, every Friday afternoon and return, oh, say every Monday morning, having surfed and parties the entire time, speaking hypothetically, of course.

Which reminds me to get my damn application in to FedEx. They need bloggers, right? Oh, totally.

In any case, here is the sad, yet amusing and Schadenfreude-laden tale of the star of Apple‘s local talent show, who allegedly-and-apparently got his butt fired for the following, talent-show-rocking, American Idol-worthy performance of, his ode to the Canadian FedEx lady.

Rhyme different?

And yes, they do indeed all have huge, anime eyes, the colour of Hudson’s Bay, Algonquin Park in October, Alberta sweetgrass, or the ice at the hidden heart of a Baffin Island glacier. Video over the jump.

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