A friend of mine is involved in this website, Project Opus, which connects independent musicians and fans. I'm not the world's greatest music fan, it must be said, having been traumatized by a polka trio when I was a small child, but I'm all for supporting things that support people who need supporting (is there a Bras for the Homeless organization out there somewhere?) so I'm all over this.
Category Archives: Blogging
Piper goes up uncontrolled pipeline!
"Our best bet was to use mineral oil, lube her up as best we could, and then try to pop her head out."
No, seriously. This is a legitimate news story!
"She was hyperventilating. Obviously, we didn't how long she'd been in the pipe," said Fulbright. "The best we could estimate, she'd been in there two hours. Our best bet was to use mineral oil, lube her up as best we could, and then try to pop her head out. Fortunately, that's what occurred."
Meanwhile, in San Salvador, authorities at La Esperanza Prison caught Lidia Alvarado, 44, trying to smuggle contraband in to her boyfriend. They found she was carrying some marijuana and a grenade … in her vagina.
Upon inspection cops found the 10-inch-long M-67 grenade to be "in working order."
Police have raised the security alert level at prisons all across the country. They suspect "the inmates are planning something."
Meanwhile in Texas, Piper is being held for 72 hours in the event someone claims her. If not, she'll be put up for adoption.
Both the grenade and the pipe were four inches wide.
The Sweet Smell of Success
Totally stole this entire thing, but since I stole it from two different sources it works out to being independently verified twice! So, yeah. So there!
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the
Canadian Rockies, were an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady, and a young blond German girl with large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old Greek lady thinks: The American guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek. The German girl thinks: That American guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.The American thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Canadian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the American again.
Narnia Rap Battle: The Roundup
You’ve read the books, you’ve seen the movie, 
you’ve heard the stories. You’re probably still hoping, somewhere in your heart of hearts, that Susan is saving herself for you.
But you have no fucking idea about the Narnia Rap Battle.
Behold:
See, once upon a time about three months ago
SNL started something. SNL! Yeah, I know!
But this thing, it went viral; all the kids were emailing.
It was outta control, yeah this thing was just wailing!
NBC drones found out, shut it down like a flash.
Way too late: got on YouTube, we all started to thrash.
There was LA, and Muncie, two young dudes from Chi-town.
Ain’t no point, NBC, in this “Hey, shut ’em down!”
Now Cambridge steps up; Oxford isn’t around.
C.S. Lewis, poor dead guy, spinning down in the ground.
It’s a Narnia rap, what we all want to play.
Don’t get all literal: allegory? No way.
Take a Narnia word, take a Narnia sound,
Give it harsh attitude, then you kick it around,
And that’s all it takes, just a matter of class
and if that’s not enough I’ll kick you in the ass.
Tea, motherfuckerfucker! Tea, motherfucker!
The original, Lazy Sunday, as interpreted legally and protected by Right to Satirize legislation by two eleven-year-old Chicagoans:
The West Coast response, Lazy Monday:
The Midwestern entry, Lazy Muncie. Can’t beat a dance at the Elk’s Lodge:
And finally, the UK Narnia Rap. I dunno what’s up with Oxford, but Cambridge stole a march on them, and on their home turf at that! How mortifying!
Lawsuit of the Day: Elder Gods vs Microsoft
This was apparently filed over ten years ago, but you know how long these things take. The lawyers for the big guys always try to drag out lawsuits to bankrupt the little guy. Microsoft, the little guys. Wrap your head around that if you can.
And, no doubt, the Big Guys have tried and tried to drag it out and will continue to do so until Microsoft, crushed by the opposition's relentless attack, capitulates. The plaintiffs in this case have an additional advantage:
They are immortal.
To: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
From: Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.Sirs:
Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention your recent product entitled Windows '95. Therefore We now give you statutory notice of intent of proceedings to be taken against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.
With this suit We will show that Windows '95, and to a lesser extent all of the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the recognised "look-and-feel" of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:
o Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest pits of Hell;
o No man can be in it's presence for too long without being driven into gibbering insanity;
o A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal herd;
o Those who associate with it for too long develop common physical characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging eyes, generally unkempt physical appearance, tendency towards nocturnal living, change in diet to that which normal men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers and Jolt Coke; in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of Alien Gods);
o Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are reputed to exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance and only available
at a terrible cost to the user.o The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate the world, and force all who dwell there to live in eternal damnation.
As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when you consider that most judges prefer not to have chittering things with tentacles for faces scoop out their brains and eat them.
We hope that you will consider these points carefully and settle out of court, since it is not Our intention to have your senior partners spend
the rest of their mercifully short lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who gave humanity lawyers in the first place.Respectfully yours,
pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D
From: surfbaud at NO-SPAM dot waverider dot co dot uk (Dave Hemming)
This is original from me. It was originally an answer I wrote for the Internet Oracle – I've reworked it as a standalone.
