how is a bagel like a vagina?

I’m serious here. Some misguided Midwestern bagel shop decided that nothing says “fun atmosphere” like baked goods reminiscent of a mummy’s ladyblossom.

vagina bagel

So, how, exactly, would a bagel like a vagina be a good thing? How could a bagel be like a vagina?

You know where the Comments button is…use it. We await your filthy offerings with baited breath.

Oh, tuna salad is an option…

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an RIP roundup: Jean Baudrillard, Captain America, and Ernest Gallo

Captain America 

No word on what happened to Julio.

Pour one out to that fallen giant of the American wine industry, Ernest Gallo. The rapidly-cooling Gallo rode his genius for marketing to the top of the affordable yet un-poisonous American wine market, turning a small, family concern who sold mostly to fugitive, chainsmoking Basques in the California hills into a giant international corporation with the most modern of production techniques, churning out their trademark carafes of Chardonnay like Ford popped out Model T’s.

According to legend, Ernest and Julio Gallo started their first winery in 1933. Using a $5,000 (£2,500) loan from Ernest’s mother-in-law and Julio’s savings of $900.23, the two brothers rented a cement warehouse in their home town of Modesto, California, and began making wines. With the help of a recipe they found in some prohibition-era leaflets in the basement of Modesto library they made ordinary wines for the bargain price of 50 cents a gallon, half the going rate. In their first year in business, they made $30,000 and an empire was born.

And pause, for a moment, to contemplate the meaninglessness of the so-called death of the irritatingly dense and famously obscure French Intellectual Jean Baudrillard.

Jean Baudrillard’s death did not take place. “Dying is pointless,” he once wrote, “you have to know how to disappear.” The New Yorker reported a reading the French sociologist gave in a New York gallery in 2005. A man from the audience, with the recent death of Jacques Derrida in mind, mentioned obituaries, and asked Baudrillard: “What would you like to be said about you? In other words, who are you?” Baudrillard replied: “What I am, I don’t know. I am the simulacrum of myself.”

Baudrillard, whose simulacrum has departed at the age of 77, attracted widespread notoriety for predicting that the first Gulf war, of 1991, would not take place. During the war, he said it was not really taking place. After its conclusion, he announced that it had not taken place. This prompted some to characterise him as yet another continental philosopher who revelled in a disreputable contempt for truth and reality.

And finally, we have America’s answer to the French Intellectual: the costumed superhero. Remove your cowl, clutch your cape to your heart, and stand with me, united in grief, over the senseless slaughter of Captain America.

As a symbol of waning imperial power, it is unmistakeable. Captain America, the stars-and-stripes wearing, blond and blue-eyed “pinnacle of human physical perfection”, is dead. The Marvel comics superhero, aka Steve Rogers, is gunned down by a sniper in the latest instalment of the comic.

The death of the man who was rejected by the army because he was too scrawny, but went on to take a “super soldier serum” to turn him into the ultimate warrior, came as a blow to his creator, 93-year-old Joe Simon. “We really need him now,” Simon told the Associated Press on learning of the death of his creation.

What do you say; I’m wondering if they’ve checked alibis for the Justice League

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nerdgasm: the making of Thunderbirds!

We all have our touchstones; the photograph of a child, a stone from the beach on which we fell in love, the first dollar we ever earned, a hard-won diploma, high school trophies wrapped in tissue paper and fond memories…

Supermarionation

Here’s an ancient video Rosetta Stone from the previous century which purports to be the very first time the Thunderbirds were recorded on film. The premise that the ‘birds were merely puppets is, of course, the kind of elaborate conceit for which the French intellectuals of the mid-Twentieth Century were so well known. As we are all aware, the Thunderbirds were every bit as real as the constant threat of Communist invasion.

Who’s with me? Team Thunderbird: Operation GenX initiated! F.A.B.!!!

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now it can be told: Howard K Stern admits his sperm is useless

Gleesome Threesome?and Larry Birkhead‘s is better.

Howard K. Stern has reportedly admitted he’s not the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter Dannielynn and is now willing to sign over the paternity rights to the man who believes he is the baby’s real dad, Larry Birkhead for the right price.

Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is a full-service lawyer. Not only will he be your beard, your bagman, and your drug runner, but he’ll also park custody of your kid until such time as the economics of the situation have been resolved to his professional satisfaction.

I do not know and can not say whether Howard K Stern and Anna Nicole Smith ever had sex, but I think we can all agree that he has certainly fucked Larry and Dannielynn over royally.

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don’t copy that floppy!

Don’t even THINK about it. Or you’ll be pwned by this cheezy, early Nineties Arsenio Hall impersonator and his ridonkulous DRM rap.

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