Now this is a work of rare and majestic beauty. It seems E!, the network too cheap to spring for a single consonant, wanted permission to relive one of the high points of American rock ‘n roll, the onstage death of Dimebag Darrell, late of Pantera and Damageplan. Here‘s what the publicist replied (via Fark):

Hi Beau. I’m leaving John‘s comments in cause he’s a nice guy and I know this was difficult for him to send on through. I’m also blind copying a whole list of folks who will most likely copy a whole other list of folks until maybe this spreads like a good email should and end up on 100,000 websites to show the world what a collective bunch of tasteless morons you all are.

Dime‘s birthday is this coming Sunday and your timing couldn’t be worse. Not that there is a good time. In fact, in honor of his birthday, I think I’ll send this around to a few of our favorite music websites who will most likely print the whole damn thing word for word, including your phone number and email. For good measure, I’m going to throw in the top 50 major daily music and some of the top TV writers in the country and why not, the weeklies as well.I realize there is nothing anyone can do to stop E! from producing garbage like this below, as you’ve built your audience on the backs of other people’s private lives, creating some type of warped reality out of your garbage, which is merely excuses for programming on the cheap and at the expense of others.

I would like to request that you please read this out out loud to all the creative geniuses in the programming department that came up with this idea.

…

We have received your request to license footage on Dimebag Darrell Abbott for your upcoming production of, “25 Most Chilling Hollywood Murders.”

While we realize the average E! audience most likely has the IQ of an umbrella, they collectively are a smarter bunch than the lot of you. Your programming creativity falls somewhere to the bottom of the middle at best, and that’s saying a lot.

I ask that you all please take a moment from your busy days and close your eyes. Live out the fantasy of playing your favorite instrument onstage. Your closest friends in the world surround you, either in the band or in your crew. From one side of the stage, a man approaches. Thinking he’s a security guy or a drunk fan who’s just a bit out a line, you continue to perform. Two seconds later, he lifts his arms, aims a rifle at your brother, your best friend, your buddy and blows his brains out, not three feet from where you are. In the nanosecond it takes you to comprehend the magnitude of what just happened, he does it again …and again …and again …and again …and again …and again before taking aim and murdering additional members of your extended family as well as fans that have come to see you play. Two of your crew are shot but survive, but of course, will never be the same again.

Now imagine it’s a few years later and you turn on the TV set. Just in case you may be having at least a five minute respite from that scene that plays over and over in your head, just in case …..you flip through the channels and there it is. Again. Only with some two bit actor who thinks this is his big Hollywood break.

And please, if you don’t like that scenario, make believe it’s your child who got his brains splattered all over a stage in Ohio. And then you turn on E! Oh, the magic of television!

In case none of this appears clear enough and you need a definitive answer to your request…no. The answer is no, and on behalf of everyone that was there that night and everyone that misses him every day, you can take that no and shove it up your collective asses.

And, for your second request, yes, you can quote me on that.

Sincerely,
Jane Hoffman