Re-posted from another forum. Sorry if you’ve already read it; go on to All Your Snakes Are Belong To Us or Chad Vader, Day Shift Manager, Part One or Part Two.

Never come between addicts and their caffeine. Working seven years at *$, I learned this well. They really do believe in the happy, smiley customer service, and it runs deep in that company, but sometimes you just have to say no. Even though it could cost you your job.

One day some eedjut was making fun of us behind the counter.

“I bet your moms are proud of you, pouring coffee for a living, har har!” etc etc, AT LENGTH. He’s treating the whole weekday morning lineup to his hilarious routines, oh god, he is a real Jim Carrey of the Latte, this one. On and on he goes.

Until he gets up to the front, and he says, “Just gimme a big, strong coffee. You aught to be good at that, since that’s all you do with your life.”

At that point I poured the coffee and, without approaching the counter, spun around.

“No,” I said. “You don’t understand. You don’t get this coffee unless I give it to you.”

Pause.

You could have heard a quark drop in that place.

The staff couldn’t believe I’d pull this, and neither could Eedjut here. The customers in line new better than to interfere when a drama was unfolding right before their eyes, so they were silent, too.

“Naw, seriously. You gotta give me the coffee.”

“No, seriously, I don’t.” Pause, during which a dawning realization lit up his face. Would I give up this sale? Yep.

“Who’s in charge? Who’s the manager?”

“I am,” I lied, smoothly.

Pause.

“Oh, okay. I guess I look like a jerk, eh? Sorry, can I please have my coffee?”

Honest to god, he tipped, too.

Once in a lifetime, boys and girls.

Is it relevant to note that during a job review, when it came to the “Interpersonal Communications” section, the manager giving me my review said,

“Given the difference between what you could say and what you do say, I’m giving you ‘outstanding’?”