Category Archives: Crime

Canterbury Spam: Geoffrey Chaucer’s inbox

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From, obviously, Geoffrey Chaucer's blog or is that bloggue. Medieval BathhousesReally, you must go read the whole thing.

II. An churlish proposicioun of anatomical alchemie! (Mayster Gower, peraventure thys shal be of aide to thee?)

TO: GEOFFREY CHAUCER (daliaunce@hotmail.com)
FROM: AUGMENTULA SALES (492499@chanounsalchemie.com)
RE: BE SURE SHE CRITH NOT ‘TEE HEE’ AT THEE

A man werkynge wyth an mighi plowe can simplie plowe a bettir furrough than a man with a tinye plowe!

Woldstow haue a mighti plowe or a tinye oon?

Order AUGMENTULA todaye, and thou shalt experience the lyf-chaunginge benefittes thousandes of goode men haue whyle on the AUGMENTULA programme! Manye do witnesse grete increses yn the girth, lengthe, and potencie of the membrum virile, and do paye the debte of mariage yn gretere amountes than evir bifor. Finallie thou kanst marrye AND burne at the same tyme!

Maybe I should hook him up with those penis-scientists from a few posts ago…maybe he could get them some unicorn tissue to work with or sumpin'.

actual work occurs in Capitol Building; go to red alert

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Cheetos for ChickenhawksUnfamiliar with the sounds of people doing productive work, the US Senate made desperate 911 calls reporting gunfire, and at least one staffer left the building by gurney, having suffered a panic attack. Sploid reports:

The entire Capitol complex had been in lock down since about 10:30 a.m. when police received reports of shots fired. The Senate had been in session at the time of the incident. the House had already snuck of for the first official "summer Friday" of the year, except for the House Intelligence Committee.

At around 11:00 a.m. an email was sent out by the U.S. Capitol police:

The US Capitol Police are continuing to investigate the report of gunshots in the Rayburn House Office Building. The Rayburn Building and garages are shut down at this time. The Longworth and Cannon Office Buildings and other garages are not affected. The Capitol Building is open for above ground access but the tunnels remain closed. As soon as the police have completed clearing the garage levels, they will begin search the remainder of the Rayburn Building beginning on the top floor and working down.

"It's a little unsettling to get a Blackberry message put in front of you that says there's gunfire in the building," said Rep. Peter Hoekstra.

And naturally, given the relative likelihoods of murderous rampages versus honest labour in the halls of the US government, the lawmakers jumped to the obvious conclusion. That they were wrong is truly a tragedy for our age.

It now appears that the source of the shots that rang throughout the garage at the Rayburn building was actually a pneumatic hammer being used to repair an elevator.

smorgasbord du scandale

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EnronFrom the Houston Chronicle via Fark comes a handy-dandy corporate scandal update, for those of you who haven't been getting these on Google Alerts since 1995. What better way to celebrate Enron Day than by updating yourself on the latest in poncho-clad perp walks? Click on the link for details of these, and update your Executive Rotisserie League choices accordingly.

CREDIT SUISSE FIRST BOSTON _ Former CSFB investment banking star Frank Quattrone, who made a fortune taking Internet companies public during the dot-com stock boom, was convicted in May 2004 on federal charges of obstruction of justice, after his first trial ended in a hung jury. The 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals overturned the conviction in March, granting Quattrone a new trial. The appeals court said the jury instructions in Quattrone's trial were erroneous.

QWEST COMMUNICATIONS INTERNATIONAL INC

ADELPHIA COMMUNICATIONS CORP

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HEALTHSOUTH CORP

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MARTHA STEWART 

Today in Great Old Ones News: Hastur is Going Down!

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HasturThis just in from Sploid. And it explains a lot, when you think about it.

Hastur's next

Now we know why the Lord of the Yellow Sign and Speaker of the House was so outraged over the FBI raid on Rep. William Jefferson's office. High level sources in the Justice Department have told ABC News that the Azathoth scandal is about to take down the former Great Old One and well-known Illinois republican.

It seems Hastur wrote a letter asking the Secretary of the Interior Gail Nodens to block the construction of an Indian casino that would've competed with those owned by Azathoth's clients near the Massachusetts port of Innsmouth.

The letter was sent shortly after a restaurant owned by Azathoth hosted a fundraiser for Hastur, netting the King in Yellow $26,000.

Hastur's Press Secretary Josiah Whateley of the undecayed Whateleys offered no comment on the news.

"We are not aware of this," he said, adding that Hastur had "great and mighty powers to destroy you all!!! as well as a well-documented record of opposing Indian reservation shopping for casino gaming purposes."

With Sunday's FBI raid on Jefferson's Hasturabandoned Capitol Hill mansion, townsfolk on both sides of the isle have begun howling about "separation of great, unknowable powers from Outside." Now that Tsathoggua, Yog-Sothoth, et al. have turned on one of their own, Cthulhu finally realizes just how out of control this administration is.

For the first time ever, Hastur expressed outrage at the administration's police work.

"Cthulhu ftagn! Ia! Ia! Mglui naflftagn Justice Department eY'ha-nthlei! Ia! Ia! Y'ha-nthlei!!," he demanded.

No wonder Hastur's so nervous.

Headline o’ the Day: Bust in Vagina Theft

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From the Ottawa Sun via Fark, bottom story. Um, so to speak.

BUST IN VAGINA THEFT

A 19-year-old man faces a theft charge after a hand-held vagina was stolen from an adult video store in Kingston. Police said the suspect allegedly selected the sex toy, ran from the Bath St. store and was chased by a staffer. Police found the man 10 minutes after the $80 toy was stolen. "We found him around the corner — and he had used it," said Const. Neil Finn. The toy was apparently dumped after being used and was not recovered.

You know, I was gonna make a joke about the Hand-Held Vagina, but I figured they'd never let me back on The Drive again. Probably repossess my Alanis Morrisette albums, too.