Category Archives: Crime

not gay? Can’t stay!

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True Patriot Land 

Canada tells a Nicaraguan teenager that because he hasn’t fucked any Americans, his refugee claim is rejected and he must return to his homeland.

Now, I don’t know about you…

But if that is what it takes to stay in this country I may as well start packing.

I mean, sure, if you’re planning to live on Denman Street, fine, test for gayness. But I don’t think bonking one particular kind of foreigner should be a requirement for Canadian residency status, any more than a criminal record should be mandatory if you’re emigrating to Australia.

From the CBC:

Board adjudicator Deborah Lamont, who heard the case from Calgary via video conference, questioned whether Orozco was homosexual because he wasn’t sexually active while in the U.S. …

“You’ve got a kid who’s run away from home because he’s had the crap beaten out of him by his dad because he’s different, because he looks gay, because he doesn’t behave like the other boys or his brothers, gets help from Catholic churches and then from a Seventh Day Adventist Church,” said Khaki.

“He’s 19 years old at the time of the hearing and the board wonders why he hasn’t been sexually active? [That’s] a bit problematic for me,” said Khaki.

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Anna Nicole Smith took the Jimi Hendrix way out

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Anna Nicole Smith, Playboy

It seems “heart failure” was even more euphemistic than we thought. Access Hollywood is reporting that she choked to death on her own vomit, while under the influence of sedatives. Just like Jimi. You probably don’t want to watch the video they’ve got on that site; it’s voyeuristic, to say the least.

According to a credible source, an employee of Anna Nicole Smith found her in her room in the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida. The employee pulled back a sheet and discovered that she appeared to have choked on her own vomit.

The same source claims that Smith took what was referred to as a “children’s sedative,” and had “kept passing out” before her death.

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Jack Bauer vs Aqua Teen Hunger Force!

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It doesn’t pay to piss off a Canuck. When will the terrorists learn?

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breaking news from the world of great metaphor: Anna Nicole Smith dead of heart failure

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Anna Nicole Smith, mugshotNow there’s a loaded expression.

After retiring from a modelling career that went up and down with the tidal shifts in her saline implants, becoming the human trainwreck hostess of the original Reality TV celebrities-more-fucked-up-than-us show, marrying a wizened zombie with one foot in the grave (nip slip in the wedding photos), hosting a poolside wake for him a few months later and nearly knocking the casket into the water with her drunken antics, sexually assaulting at least one personal assistant, and killing off her eldest child by sharing a Barbaro-sized dose of recreational methadone, Anna Nicole Smith has finally done the right thing by her offspring and has died of the both euphemistic and true-on-so-many-levels heart failure at the Hard Rock Casino resort in Florida.

Do you know anyone else who parties so hard they take a private nurse with them to the Casino?

Update: looks like she needed that nurse!

While it’s a shame when anyone so young is taken, I can’t bring myself to shed a tear for this narcissistic hedonist. Her little girl (paternity still a matter before the courts) is better off without her. If Anna Nicole Smith did an honest, generous act in her life the track record would lead me to believe she did it by accident.

Anna Nicole Smith, party girlDefamer, as always, has the best roundup.

Larry King is back, and he’s confident that the legal system will eventually figure out who’s the father of her newborn daughter Dannielynn. He almost sounds cocky about it, leading us to suspect he’s trying to hint the baby is his, just to prove his incredible virility at an advanced age.

King once again falls into reverie, recalling the time she appeared on his show so drunk and incomprehensible that SNL reran the interview without altering it. She’s compared to Marilyn Monroe (for a variety of reasons), called “not the smartest woman in the world,” but also “fun.” King is clearly working through his feelings on-air.

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USAF firing on British troops

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This is the real thing, people: this is the leaked video of a pair of American Airforce reserve fighter pilots killing British Lance Corporal Matty Hull near Basra in Iraq. There is a time lag on the audio here, so follow the subtitles (which were added by the investigators). The video dates from March 28th of 2003, and more details about the incident and investigation are here.

…the pilots, a lieutenant-colonel and major at the time of the incident, are flying warplanes again, attached to the 190th Air Fighter Squadron, based at Boise, Idaho…

The cockpit video reveals that the pilots clearly saw the orange panels on the top of the British armoured vehicles intended to identify them as friendly forces, but ultimately decided that they were rocket launchers. When one pilot suggested a return to base, the other said: “I think killing these damn rocket launchers, it would be great.”

Even after attacking the column, the transcript shows the pilots were still unsure whether they had attacked enemy or friendly troops.

“It doesn’t look friendly,” one pilot said. Minutes later, they were told of their mistake.

“We’re in jail dude,” one pilot said. “Goddam it. Fuck me dead,” the other cries.

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