the Ayn Rand Christmas Special

Christmas Shrugged, and you would too!Wow, looks like it’s Tory Day here on the ol’ raincoaster blog. Take a snapshot; these don’t come around too often. Mostly we’re all about the nude hot-tubbing with Rage Against the Machine, making blood sacrifices to Cthulhu, and sharing pot brownies with the United Slackers of Anarchy.

We certainly are being far more inclusive than it was ever our intention to be this Yuletide season. Sure, we’ve posted Christmas on Acid, but hey, I live in Vancouver; like this pandering to the druggies is anything unusual. The Charlie Brown Kwanzaa was a bit of a stretch, it’s admitted, but if you’re gonna be un-PC, I say be un-PC all the way and damn the torpedos of all races, creeds, and colourways. Boymongoose’s Bollywood 12 Days of Christmas has a rockin’ beat that I couldn’t pass up, and the same can be said (in its own delicate Coward-ly way) for Hanukkah in Santa Monica. As for the 12 isms of Christmas, who doesn’t have a spare Nihilist or Surrealist in their circle who feels all too marginalized at this time of year?

So here I am, holding my nose and posting the synopsis for the Ayn Rand Selfish Christmas Special, from the 10 Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time, which I found via Master Cowfish.

Ayn Rand’s A Selfish Christmas (1951)

In this hour-long radio drama, Santa struggles with the increasing demands of providing gifts for millions of spoiled, ungrateful brats across the world, until a single elf, in the engineering department of his workshop, convinces Santa to go on strike. The special ends with the entropic collapse of the civilization of takers and the spectacle of children trudging across the bitterly cold, dark tundra to offer Santa cash for his services, acknowledging at last that his genius makes the gifts — and therefore Christmas — possible. Prior to broadcast, Mutual Broadcast System executives raised objections to the radio play, noting that 56 minutes of the hour-long broadcast went to a philosophical manifesto by the elf and of the four remaining minutes, three went to a love scene between Santa and the cold, practical Mrs. Claus that was rendered into radio through the use of grunts and the shattering of several dozen whiskey tumblers. In later letters, Rand sneeringly described these executives as “anti-life.”

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how to talk your parents into getting you a pony for Christmas

Corporate Santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, where's my cheque?

 

Let me know if this works; Gawd knows I tried for years unsuccessfully, but then I didn’t have the benefit of these half-dozen irresistable pony pitchin’ tips! Stolen from Bridlepath.

 

Your parents will probably remember the time you begged for a hamster, and then after a few weeks it sat ignored on your bookshelf with a smelly cage. You have to understand that having a horse isn’t all fun; sometimes it’s dirty, frustrating, and just plain hard work. Are you sure you want a horse?

Your Long Term Project

Even if you are sure you want a horse you probably won’t be able to convince your parents overnight, or even in a week. It may take months for them to decide to buy you a horse.

But don’t give up. Many people have to wait until they are in their 30’s, 40’s or even longer before they get their first horse. Convincing your parents to let you have a horse may be a long term project. You may have to prove you are committed and you might have to make some compromises and sacrifices…

And so on, all responsible-like. Not a word about getting blackmail photos or hiding their cigarettes. But if these tips fail, try those two. In my experience you can get almost anything that way.

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early North American immigration policy

Click me! Click me!

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the jihadi manual of the War On Christmas

via Jesus’ General, who is outraged to find himself nominated for a Weblog Award in the “Best Liberal Blog” category. Outrage! They will soon see the error of their ways and reinstate him in the Conservative category, as befits such a manly heteropublican warrior in the fight against Democrats and all they stand for. Like democracy.

In any case, the blogosphere and Fox news are abuzz over this War On Christmas. Captained by a shadowy cabal of nameless lefties, the War On Christmas seeks to eliminate as non-PC this glorious Christian celebration. Well it seems that the evil jihadi masterminds have decided to capitalize on their notoriety by issuing this book on Lulu.com, thus revealing their nefarious scheme to the entire world. Let’s just take a look then, shall we?

The War On Christmas cover page

The nefarity! The outrageous daring of these secular liberals! Whodathunk Woody Allen, Keith Olbermann et al would be so confrontational? Their shrinks musta put them up to it!

War Against Christmas manifesto

All nefarious lefty plots have a manifesto. It’s the only tradition they’ve ever known.

a sample plot!

Ah, Bob Marley. I knew there would be drugs involved somehow. There always are with these lefties!

Bill O’Reilly, our hopes and dreams rest on your broad shoulders.

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mini matters

My friend Sandy is great. The most outgoing person you’ll ever meet who isn’t annoying, she’s the kind of person who was born with invisible pom-poms in one hand and an invisible Martini in the other: half Noel Coward and half Barbie.I was in her store a few months back, and she was telling me how much she was looking forward to getting her car paid off, ticking off the days on the calendar until FREE CAR DAY. Her eyes sparkled, even though they had glitter on the lids they sparkled from the eye part, the Sandy part, and although the glitter still sparkled it looked dull compared to the Sandy sparkle. And it was last year’s colours anyway.So a couple of months later I go back to the store. I generally don’t go so often, as I have little money with which to make purchases there, which is sort of why the store is there and why Sandy in particular is there, to sell stuff, which she rarely succeeds in doing to me, but then no-one does, much of ever.So back to the store I go, even though I still do not have any money. And there she is, Miss Yaletown, sparkling fit to beat the band, whatever the hell that means.“What’s up Sandy?”

“I just bought a new car!”

“Oh?”

“Actually, I just bought two of them.”

“Oh?”

“Well, my brother wanted a car for grad [I got a pen for mine] and the bus was not on with me, not after the first couple of times.”

“The Hastings?”

“You got it. Even the Davie. I’d just had enough, so I talked to my Dad and we thought we would get, like, a bulk discount if we bought two of the same car, one for me and one for Paul. He doesn’t care what kind of car he gets, anything I’d drive is good enough for him ’cause he doesn’t know what people in the Big City drive and he knows I’ve got that covered. I went next door, to the Mini dealership, and bought two. They were like, Sandy, don’t you want to take one for a drive first? Nope, I know what I want. I want a red one.”

Who could argue with that? The car has some powerful magical mojo; she was downtown today, doing makeup at a posh wedding, at a posh hotel, and as soon as she arrived she realized she’d forgotten her wallet. People in Vancouver don’t keep parking meter cash in their cars; well, dumb ones do, and they can never figure out how their windows get broken so often…anyway, she had not a sou. Couldn’t use the valet parking in case they paid by cheque and she couldn’t cash it in time. She was stuck.

But there was a spot right out front. She grabbed it, city-honed reflexes in control. She sprang from her Mini to the lobby, from the lobby to the elevator, from the elevator to the hallway, to the suite, to the bride herself, for whom she recited the tale (in doubletime) and from whom she begged a toonie. Out of the suite, into the hall, into the elevator, into the lobby, onto the sidewalk (doorman only just got the glass door in time) and thrust the toonie into the parking meter. It gave her an hour.

The job took two.

The bride tipped her $45, which she figured would pay for her parking ticket and enough for lunch. Back she went, out of the suite, into the hall, into the elevator, into the lobby, onto the sidewalk in front of the hotel, and there she saw it.

A piece of paper, tucked carefully under her windshield wiper. Picking her heart out of her shoes, she sulked her way over to the offensive scrap and wrenched it from her precious car. It read:

I put some money in your meter because my wife has a Mini just like this.

A friend

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