Category Archives: Culture

the T factor: goatses

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Baphomet, yo

Today in Stupid Tourist News, we present the case of the moronic Swiss driver in Eastern Ontario (BBC, please note proper capitalization), whose defence, when pulled over for speeding, was simply that he was carried away by the sheer joy of being able to drive where there were no goats.

And who among us has not felt that joy? Can we blame the poor man? Are we without hearts, without souls?

I say verily we are, for we will laugh at him.

via the BBC.

‘Goat-free roads made me speed’ 
 
Police said goats had not been reported on eastern Ontario‘s roads

A Swiss man caught speeding on a Canadian highway has blamed his actions on the absence of goats on the roads.
The man was caught driving at 161 km/h (100mph) in a 100 km/h (60mph) zone.

A traffic officer’s notes said the Swiss driver had said he was taking advantage “of the ability to go faster without risking hitting a goat”.

Canadian police spokesman Joel Doiron said he had never found a goat on the highways of eastern Ontario in his 20 years of service.

“Nobody’s ever used the lack of goats here as an excuse for speeding,” Mr Doiron told the AFP news agency.

“I’ve never been to Switzerland, but I guess there must be a lot of goats there,” he said.

The driver was ordered to pay a fine of C$360 ($330; £175) for speeding.

The below image is NOT representative of Eastern Ontario, although apparently it somewhat resembles Zurich.

Goatses? Must be Switzerland

Courtney Love Schoolhouse Rock: Unpack Your Expletives!

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and can’t nobody unpack ’em like Courtney.

Courtney Love goes Bananas

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I mean moreso. Pre-rehab style. What can you say about Courtney Love that hasn’t already been said in an arrest warrant? But you gotta luv those Banana Splits!

Operation Global Media Domination: the network situation

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TIASince Hurricane Lucy Gao hit, stats haven’t been nearly as much fun to check as usual. They’ve been bigger, juicier, and technically more exotic, but only half as much fun, because I always know that my top posts are going to be Lucy Gao‘s email, Lucy Gao doesn’t need a PA, she needs an enema, and Lucy Gao Revealed, plus Beautiful Agony, the Mentos boys, and Blackzilla, which I did not realize was the name of a popular line of porn flicks when I posted it.

No, really. I didn’t.

But now it looks like the hurricane is finally winding down, and to that I say it is ABOUT FUCKING TIME!

Yes, I liked having 3300 hits a day. I liked being the #2 blog on WordPress. But I’d rather be loved for my entire blog than just for five frickin’ posts, people!!! What good is it being the Pavarotti of the goddam blogosphere if all people ever see is Lucy Fucking Gao and their beloved mango porn??? Eh? I ask you that!

In any case, it appears that the storm has abated and I have managed to keep nearly 50% of my new readers, although 10% of them have only come by googling “vanityfair.com,” for which I am the #2 result. And I’m kidding myself if I think I don’t owe it, in some sense, to Lucy Freaking Gao, who even got me a link from CBS News, FFS y’all! Even though it’s only half as good for hits as a link from the front page of WordPress. Shhhh, don’t tell the producers!

I have also learned, from my comments on Chartreuse and Guido‘s blogs, that references to the size of one’s breasts are excellent for hits, although moreso with Americans than with Brits. Benny Hill was born in the wrong country, Itellya.

In any case, I am inexpressably grateful to Graydon Carter and Vanity Fair for knocking that snobbish intern off her throne and giving me, at last, some surprises in the Stats page.

Hail our new #1 post! (which we know we owe entirely to people searching for Suri Cruise pix, but we’re not real choosy over here if you haven’t already noticed)

no state funeral for Steve Irwin

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Steve and some critter 

UPDATE IN THE COMMENTS SECTION: Film at eleven?

Although Australia offered a full state funeral, in accordance with his status as a national hero/monument/insane mascot, Steve Irwin‘s family have decided to have a private funeral for him.

from The Australian, via an Absolute Stranger.

Australian
07 Sep 2006STEVE Irwin will be buried in private after his Crikey!family declined offers of a state funeral, with his father Bob yesterday saying the international celebrity should be remembered as an ordinary bloke.

The laconic, slightly built retired reptile farmer was obviously grief-stricken but he faced the public because it was what his “mate” Steve would have wanted.

Similarly, he declined offers by Prime Minister John Howard and Queensland Premier Peter Beattie for a state funeral.

“He’s just an ordinary bloke and he wanted to be remembered as an ordinary bloke,” said the 66-year-old Mr Irwin, whose two-year-old grandson Bob was named after him.

As Queensland police yesterday locked footage of Irwin‘s death by stingray in a safe, his manager John Stainton said the film was so harrowing it should be destroyed to prevent it ever being made public.

If you go to the front page, you can see that this post has, get this, 4100 comments. For a man who didn’t blog, that’s one hell of a blogstorm.