Marcel here is quite adorable, if somewhat emo, I mean who among us didn’t go through a phase where we wore a lentil as a hat? Got a sunburn from a diamond? Made skis from toenails?
Yes, Marcel is all of us, until we come our of our shells.
Category Archives: fish
Bart Simpson Bug Found! (via Tacky Raccoons)
Why does this giant sea isopod have the head of Bart Simpson as a tail? Does this imply some obscene and obscure linkage between the Buzzcut Boychild and the minions of Cthulhu? Only time, and the dedicated delvings of doomed New England professors, can tell.
via Tacky Raccoons
The truth about the good old days
Yeah, they weren’t so great. Nowadays you just go to Canadian Tire!
Cthulhu wants you to stay in school
And just why does Cthulhu want you to stay in school? So you can read awesome books like Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters
To say I was skeptical of the merits of this tome would be to understate the case to a positively perjorrific extent, and when I picked it up at the bookstore what actually ended up selling it wasn’t the book; it wasn’t even the premise, although with me anything with tentacles is a pretty safe bet.
It was the po-faced study questions in the back. I wish I had it handy, so I could type out the best bits, but here’s my absolute favorite:
10. Is Monsieur Pierre a symbol for something? Name three other well-known works of Western literature that feature orangutan valets. Are those characters also slain by pirates?
I always HATE the part in the comedy of manners when the ourangutan valet is slain by pirates. I mean, you know it’s coming, right? But what can you do about it, right? Nothing; amirite?
He also wants you to stay in school so that once it’s finished (oh, doesn’t everyone have a book they’re working on, destined to be put aside and picked up as the eons pass and never, ever finished?) you can read His autobiography, as told to Neil Gaiman.
I never knew my parents.
My father was consumed by my mother as soon as he had fertilized her and she, in her turn, was eaten by myself at my birth. That is my first memory, as it happens. Squirming my way out of my mother, the gamy taste of her still in my tentacles.
Don’t look so shocked, Whateley. I find you humans just as revolting.
Which reminds me, did they remember to feed the shoggoth? I thought I heard it gibbering.
A Piscene Post
Which is not to be confused with an obscene post, although this one contains quite a lot of uncovered things that smell like a fish! And some that smell even worse, once you look closely.
Given the sudden influx of Fishes of Unusual Size (or FOUS) news, we can only assume that somehow, somewhere, for some obscure and nefarious purpose, the meerkats are behind it all. Are they secretly bringing about the death of the great super-fish of the uncharted depths, perhaps in an obviously futile effort to thwart the long-awaited rising of Great Cthulhu?
It would explain much. It would explain so, so much.
First, the unexplained sudden demise of the shockingly gender-confused and grossly, unspeakably swollen Benson, Giant Carp of Bluebell Lake.
Benson the carp, a former resident of Bluebell Lakes, was a female fish and should not have been called “he” in the article below.
Alas poor Benson. Born around 1984 and at times England’s largest freshwater fish, this awe-inspiring carp has been found dead at his home at Bluebell Lakes near Peterborough.
The facts of Benson’s life are well known for he was the UK’s most famous fish. Stocked into the Bluebell at around 10 years of age, Benson was already well over 10kg (22lb), on his way to super-stardom. At his peak, he was caught at over 25kg (60lb), though more recently he had slimmed down to around 50lb – still a leviathan. He gained his name because of a small hole in his dorsal fin that looked exactly like a cigarette burn.
But what made Benson so special, so beloved, was his generosity. It’s estimated he graced the landing nets of more than 60 anglers, dusting them all with immortality.
Under normal circumstances, we would simply lament Benson’s passing but there is anger today and a sense of suspicion. Carps can live to 60 or 70; Benson was cut down in his prime. Raw tiger nuts have been found on the banks at Bluebell. Unless these nuts are cooked and expertly prepared they can prove toxic to carp and the fear is that Benson could have been poisoned by one of his pursuers…
Benson, carp, born 1984, died 2009. Leaves behind numerous widows, thousands of offspring and 60-odd lovelorn captors.
Ah, the ways of the meerkats are murky, , malevolent, Machiavellian. It would be just like them to poison the UK’s biggest load of carp.
As if that weren’t bad enough, it seems they’re lurking off the coast of Oregon, attempting to get away with the illegal murder of one of nature’s most noble beasts, the Great White Shark. Cunningly disguised as mere tourists, they’ve obviously used their considerable hypnotizing powers of cuteness to make good their escape after the senseless slaughter of this beauty of the deeps.
Oregon State Police Fish & Wildlife Division is continuing the investigation into the circumstances surrounding the possession of what is confirmed as a 12-foot Great White Shark in the Depoe Bay area this weekend.OSP Sergeant Todd Thompson says an OSP Fish & Wildlife Division trooper was working on the Depoe Bay docks August 8, 2009 at 8:00 p.m. when a shark was brought in by a recreational tuna boat.
“The trooper says he contacted the boat occupants after they had already gutted the shark. They indicated the shark had become entangled in their crab gear and was pulled to the surface when they pulled in a crab pot,” Thompson said.
The report pointedly omits any mention of the trooper’s leaning over and scratching the “occupants” under their chins while murmuring “Who’s a cutie? YOU’RE a cutie! Who’s my little cutie? Awwww…” but we at the ol’ raincoaster blog have our sources.
And who could have been behind these vicious, unprovoked attacks? It’s a terrible thing, my friends. Indeed, the facts of this case are such that the truth of it is nearly unspeakable, surely unthinkable. And yet, it is so. Behold, the myrmidon of the meerkats, their trained fish-ssasin:
raincoaster 