Two more in the series of Why I Don’t Swim in the Ocean. I would, if I could convince a pair of divers to swim below me at all times. Watch these videos and you’ll see why.
The Octopus
and
The Mantis Shrimp, ancestor to all clowns. Have a good time trying to sleep tonight.
Enjoy your next swim!
h/t Griffin Boyce
I am a Vancouver Mayoral Candidate. I have a stuffed lobster. Hail our Crustacean overlords!
As I’ve said before, Oh Vancouver, never change.
After Suzanne Anton’s failed Nixonian move, it looks like she’s out of the running. Even the Success KoolAid marketing networker drones would be embarrassed to be publicly seen advocating for someone who leaves a motion till it’s too late to vote on, attempts to have it passed anyway, and then goes dark, presumably because even she knows we’ve all had enough of her.
Mayor Gregor, or as we call him around here April’s imaginary boyfriend, gave an apparently quite respectable speech tonight at the Vision Vancouver gala. No video yet, because Vancouver is, well, Vancouver.
http://twitter.com/#!/katebarazzuol/status/131974907574751232
Speaking of Vancouver being Vancouver, as you can clearly see from the image featured in this post, there is only one mayoral candidate who is clearly speaking to the needs of the Cthulian demographic, and that is Lobster Man Darrell “The Sax Maniac” Zimmerman.
How long must we remain a marginalized minority? How long must we take the scraps off the tables of the rich? Wait. We ARE the scraps!
“I’m going to be the only homeless candidate in this election,” Zimmerman told me.
He likes waving around a toy lobster to highlight Vision Vancouver councillor Heather Deal’s decision to tweet a photo of leftovers from a lobster feast at a Federation of Canadian Municipalities meeting in Halifax.
I, personally, am less offended by the lavish dinner than by the fact that they paid $2300 and drank out of plastic cups. BRANDED plastic cups.
That’s it. I’ve made up my mind how to vote.
Cthulhu for president DESPAIR ALL YE WHO ENTER VOTING BOOTHS
Marcel here is quite adorable, if somewhat emo, I mean who among us didn’t go through a phase where we wore a lentil as a hat? Got a sunburn from a diamond? Made skis from toenails?
Yes, Marcel is all of us, until we come our of our shells.
And just why does Cthulhu want you to stay in school? So you can read awesome books like Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters
To say I was skeptical of the merits of this tome would be to understate the case to a positively perjorrific extent, and when I picked it up at the bookstore what actually ended up selling it wasn’t the book; it wasn’t even the premise, although with me anything with tentacles is a pretty safe bet.
It was the po-faced study questions in the back. I wish I had it handy, so I could type out the best bits, but here’s my absolute favorite:
10. Is Monsieur Pierre a symbol for something? Name three other well-known works of Western literature that feature orangutan valets. Are those characters also slain by pirates?
I always HATE the part in the comedy of manners when the ourangutan valet is slain by pirates. I mean, you know it’s coming, right? But what can you do about it, right? Nothing; amirite?
He also wants you to stay in school so that once it’s finished (oh, doesn’t everyone have a book they’re working on, destined to be put aside and picked up as the eons pass and never, ever finished?) you can read His autobiography, as told to Neil Gaiman.
I never knew my parents.
My father was consumed by my mother as soon as he had fertilized her and she, in her turn, was eaten by myself at my birth. That is my first memory, as it happens. Squirming my way out of my mother, the gamy taste of her still in my tentacles.
Don’t look so shocked, Whateley. I find you humans just as revolting.
Which reminds me, did they remember to feed the shoggoth? I thought I heard it gibbering.
The Great Crustacean War on Humanity: You’d be surprised at how much material has been suppressed. Go ahead, just try and search for anything, give Cthuugle your best shot. You won’t succeed in finding much at all, and that can mean only one thing:
First, we have this valuable find: an historical document obviously written from the crustacean perspective.
What can it mean?
This, as well, from a book whose deeply sexist title translates as “To Serve Man.”
It’s obvious they’re violent and aggressive.
i can haz werld dominashun?
There is archival footage of at least one series of attacks on human beings:
As if that weren’t enough, Gawker science correspondent Azaria Jagger reports that in the hitherto-thought-mythical Global Warming phenomenon is causing them to mutate, becoming ever larger.
In a warm dystopia many years from now, New York City will be underwater and ginormous mutant crustaceans will roam the globe…
Where will it end? It appears they’ve developed technology to artificially inflate their temperatures and thus accelerate the unnatural and loathesome swelling of their species.
and even adapted to life on dry land, crawling horribly with twitchings and writhings through the forest canopy, from whence to drop upon unsuspecting passers-by.
raincoaster 