The Truth about the Great Crustacean War on Humanity

The Great Crustacean War on Humanity: You’d be surprised at how much material has been suppressed. Go ahead, just try and search for anything, give Cthuugle your best shot. You won’t succeed in finding much at all, and that can mean only one thing:

A COVERUP!

First, we have this valuable find: an historical document obviously written from the crustacean perspective.

lobster horror movies

What can it mean?

This, as well, from a book whose deeply sexist title translates as “To Serve Man.”

lobsters cooking up devilry

It’s obvious they’re violent and aggressive.

i can haz world domination?

i can haz werld dominashun?

There is archival footage of at least one series of attacks on human beings:

As if that weren’t enough, Gawker science correspondent Azaria Jagger reports that in the hitherto-thought-mythical Global Warming phenomenon is causing them to mutate, becoming ever larger.

In a warm dystopia many years from now, New York City will be underwater and ginormous mutant crustaceans will roam the globe…

Where will it end? It appears they’ve developed technology to artificially inflate their temperatures and thus accelerate the unnatural and loathesome swelling of their species.

paging gerard de nerval

and even adapted to life on dry land, crawling horribly with twitchings and writhings through the forest canopy, from whence to drop upon unsuspecting passers-by.

Tree Lobsters

Iä, Shub-Niggurath! Hail our crustacean overlords!

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27 thoughts on “The Truth about the Great Crustacean War on Humanity

  1. You’ve just scratched the surface. It’s ALL exoskeletals. The only thing they like about us endoskeletals is the invention of creme brulee.

  2. Bill Cosby attacked by lobsters? I MUST HAVE THIS!!!!!

    Treelobsters, we have umbrellas. We will not be caught unawares!

    And Jennie, who doesn’t love creme brulee?

  3. I hesitate sharing this, for fear of being labeled a facilitator:

    Lobster Muchacho was a “fictional” off-the-grid comic strip in the late-80s & 90s. I now realize it was more like Mein Kampf for crustaceans.

    Yes. I bought the t-shirt.

  4. “Everybody get outta here, there’s a lobster loose! Ohhhh, holy cow, he’s loose! Everybody get outta here – he’s vengeful! Quickly! Cover yourself with hot butter and carry lemons just in case you have to squirt him with it and so forth, to repel him! Everybody get outta here, quickly! There’s gonna be a tradegy! Oh, God! Ohhhh – Haaaah!” –Bill Murray, from National Lampoon’s Radio Hour

  5. “To Serve Man” is a great “Twilight Zone” episode. Its based on a short story. But I’m actually trying to get in touch with you because I need a computer geek to look at my YouTube channel. Can you got to BrianAtene101 and read the message I’ve got posted and help me out? I’ve got (what I think) is a great follow-up to my Kubrick video but I can’t post it. Since you’ve been kind to me in the past (and because I can only leave a message here) I’m posting a comment and asking for help. Wish I could remember the original writer on “To Serve Man”. I’ve got the book somewhere. Help, please. – Brian

  6. There’s a Bill Murray/lobster moment? I must find this and pair it with Leonard Part 6, the Bill Cosby vs the Lobsters moment.

    I’ll take a look at the Youtube, Brian.

  7. Rain– The Lobster/Murray connection is from National Lampoon Radio Hour [track 14]. Unfortunately that link doesn’t include Murray’s hysterics.

    It was a full 30 minutes of bizarreness aired weekly in the mid 70s, featuring audio skits from all the early SNL greats before SNL. If you’ve never heard the Greatest Hits, you might as well live out the rest of your life with meerkats in your chonies.

    SNL had an episode of giant lobsters attacking New York, but I couldn’t find a link for it.

  8. @ Brian, “To Serve Man” was written by Damon Knight. It appeared first in the November 1950 issue of Galaxy Science Fiction and has been reprinted a number of times, including in “Frontiers in Space” (1955) which was where I first read it.

  9. I live in the Pacific Northwest: home of the infamous Giant Freshwater Crawdad of the Northern Cascades. These monsters, much like the sewer gators of urban legend, were a non-native species introduced to mountain lakes and streams by careless animal rights activists. They have, since their introduction, grown abnormally large, feeding primarily on sturgeon and chinook salmon in their native spawning grounds, thus disrupting the local ecosystems. The largest live crawdad on record currently measures 83.2 cm, but carapaces have been found which indicate crawdad lengths of up to 108 cm. That’s nearly 3 1/2 feet! So far, only one human death has been attributed to these pests, but efforts to eradicate them have proved difficult and costly, and any cohesive plan will likely take years to implement…

  10. Hmmm, have you seen the post about Tree Lobsters? Or the one about the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus? Perhaps if the Giant Freshwater Crawdad looked good on a hat we might have some kind of control mechanism!

  11. …I’ve been looking into your suggestion of the crawdad hat, inquiring at some of the world’s renowned millineries, but there doesn’t seem to be much interest in the notion. In the meantime, the Giant Freshwater Crawdad of the Pacific Northwest has nearly doubled in population. It has no natural predators other than the rural redneck who will occasionally furnish a few of the critters at tailgate parties or wedding receptions, and there are simply not enough hillbilly holidays to keep the population at a manageable pace. I’m afraid the crustaceans are gaining ground in their war on mankind…

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