Well this does explain the enduring popularity of turtlenecks. I’ve always sort of wondered why someone like Pierre Trudeau was so fond of them, but then, if you were married to this…
Well, wouldn’t you prefer this?
Category Archives: humor
Beaver Shots: golden shower on video
It’s become fashionable, particularly among journalists, to lament the sorry state of contemporary journalism. Papers may be folding, reporters may be getting laid off, sure, but that doesn’t stop devoted professionals from bringing you the news that matters, day after day.
Take Debbye Turner Bell here of CBS‘s The Early Show.
Make that DOCTOR Debbye Turner Bell, former Miss America.
Since she was crowned Miss America 1990, Dr. Debbye Turner has spoken to 500,000 students at hundreds of schools, youth organizations, and college campuses. Her topics include personal excellence, unrelenting determination, goal setting, and the importance of a solid education. She strongly believes that any person has the potential for success no matter their race, socio-economic background, or gender. She uses her own life as an example of triumphing over the odds. It took seven years, eleven tries, in two states to get to the Miss America Pageant.
Heartwarming, is it not? Why, her parents must be so proud. It must be a great joy to them to turn the television on and see their little girl, all grown up and getting sprayed with urine by a flailing Canadian beaver.
THERE SHE IS, MISS AMERICA
From “The Miss America Pageant”
(Bernie Wayne)
There she is, Miss America
There she is, your ideal
The dream of a million girls who are more than pretty can come true
in Atlantic City
For she may turn out to be the Queen of femininity
There she is, Miss America
There she is, your ideal
With so many beauties she took the town by storm
With her all-American face and form
And there she is
Walking on air, she is
Fairest of the fair, she is
There she is – Miss America
Sesame Street Layoffs hit hard
Sesame Street, that beloved icon of childhood, where we learned everything we needed to know that later showed up in an overpriced book on business leadership
We thought that a neighborhood of loveable, shaggy Muppets would escape the ravages of the recession: my friends, we were wrong. So, so wrong.
In a tearful announcement earlier today, Kermit the Frog announced that, effective immediately, Sesame Street will lay off 20% of its workforce. While he refused to give specifics, he did indicate that the cuts would be made from the on-air staff, leaving no-one immune to these Draconian cost-cutting measures. Out of approximately 140 Muppets, this represents a loss of 28 beloved characters. Who will it be???
Video of the press conference from CNN:
and some updated lyrics, for the fans: originals here
Pogey Day
Sweepin’ the sun away
On my way to get my benefits
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to the EI office, please?
Come line up
It’s fun to be a grup
Friendly social workers
Will see you now
Can you tell me how to get
How to get what’s coming to me?
It’s an Orwellian ride
Every one will be pushed aside
Unhappy people like you–
Unhappy people like…
What a terrible…
Dreary Day
Smokin’ my cares away
Off my head, here where the air is sweet
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to …
Um, I forget.
Beaver Shots: how to eat beaver
Yes, this is a post about how to eat beaver. Not just ANY beaver, you understand; we have us some STANDARDS around these parts (these ones right down…here) and will not show you how to gnaw on gristly old beaver, the kind like an old baseball mitt made out of bbq jerky.
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. “After all, dear,” she said to her husband, “You wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?”
“No,” her husband replied. “Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver.”
No indeed!
We’re all about the fresh, young beaver here. Although perhaps not as much as the lesbians down at Lick might like, now that we think of it.
Where were we? Oh yes, speaking of ourselves in the second-person plural, for no reason we can fathom other than it’s practice for when Randy Andy comes to his senses, loses some weight, and gets his butt off the golf course and marries me. Or Hot Ginge, I’m easy.
Anyway, it does look like some people could use instructions for the most basic things, like the great Canadian (yes, it’s Canadian, check out the website) art of beaver-eating. Why, we’ve even got 1/24th of each day devoted to beaver!
Dude, it’s too late for us to help you. Whereas, in my country beaver-eating is a competitive sport.
And the Aussies are no slouches at taking care of beavers, as you can see in this video that Metro has been waiting almost exactly one year for me to steal.
The Brits, on the other hand, have to go to great, bureaucracy-enveloping lengths to be reintroduced to beavers. What, they don’t have Lavalife there? Apparently, they killed every one they could find, thus bringing to life the old cliche about, If I see something I’ve never seen before, I’ll shoot it. Boarding school has a lot to answer for, I’m telling you.
Russia, of course, being somewhat desperate and all out of ponies and small children since Yeltsin sold every mammal larger than a husky, has developed its own way to prepare beaver for eating, and here it is, with photos. Warning! Very wet and lots of bare flesh!
The Catholic Church, surprisingly, has no issue with the Beav, and encourages people to eat it on Friday. Well, it’s a start, I guess.
The 17th century Catholic Church actually declared beavers to be a fish according to dietary restrictions, meaning they are ok to eat on both Fridays and throughout Lent.
Well, this should be more widely known, is all I have to say about the matter!
Some organizations can be so forward-thinking. Look at the Boy Scouts, for instance:
Did you know that the US Cub Scouts give a Silver Beaver award? I nearly got thrown out of the leader’s meeting for laughing so much when they gave it to a retired woman with grey hair.
Hmmm, it’s given for Outstanding Service to Youth. I know more than one or two beavers that would qualify under those criteria!
In the spirit of these fine organizations and countries comes a post from Bug Girl on her serendipitous discovery of a tome of wisdom devoted, at least in substantial part, to instructions on pleasing one’s wife with wild games and, of course, the preparation and consumption of beaver.
The author claims the meat is “dark, moist and tender”; Hmmmm, sounds like somebody’s got a touch of Jungle Fever.
I wonder if it has some tips on how to stuff a beaver? It’s been so long I’ve forgotten.
Why I don’t do laundry
I suppose it all comes out in the wash, but then again, I’m too scared to find out.
raincoaster 