Hottest Pickup Lines of the Fourteenth Century

Is that a longsword in your pocket?Apparently there's some kind of Medieval Scholar Knees-Up/Conference going on this week, and in the spirit of contributing to the occasion (although he is long dead), Geoffrey Chaucer has posted in his blog some of the best pickup lines of the late Middle Ages. Use with care; we assume no liability, etc.

Warning: as one commenter says, some of these were old even in G-Ch's time.

GALFRIDUS CHAUCERES LYNES OF PICKE-VPPE:

-Yf thou were a latyn tretise ich wolde putte thee in the vernacular.

-Nyce bootes. Wanna swyve?

-Shulle we maken the cindreblokke to synge?

-Woldstow haue me shyfte thyne voweles?

-Were thou yn my seisin, ich wolde nevir escheat on thee. 

-The preeste telleth me that we aren more than VII degrees of consanguinitee. Game on!

-Ich notyce that myn demense and thyn do abutte. Wolde yt plese thee to consolidate ovre powere-base in the midlands?

-Makstow a pilgrymage heere often?

–By my soule, thou art a verye mappe of helle. For The Hot Tubthy face lyk the rivere Styx wil make me swere oothes neuer to be fforsworn, and thy embrace lyk the Lethe shal make me foryet al else, and lyk vnto the Flegeton thyn arse ys ON FYRE!

-Howe abovte a blancmange and the acte of Venus? Whatte, blancmange pleseth thee nat?

-If ich sayde that thou hadde a bele chose, woldstow holde it ayeinst me?

PSA: Pornstar for a Day!

From Fleshbot via Gawker:Ron Jeremy, Dream Date!

Our pervy sibling Fleshbot is proud to announce a wholesome contest taking place in New York, in which one lucky perv will win the chance to break into the lucrative world of pornography, courtesy of punky alt-porn lady Joanna Angel:

Joanna herself will create what is known in the porn industry as a “non-sexual role ” for you (with lines and everything!) in her upcoming “Joanna Angel’s Fuckin’ Guide to Fucking”, scheduled to begin filming in New York City this weekend.

To win, send a statement of 25 words or less to fleshbotcontests@gmail.com explaining why you’d like to be in the movie and why you’d be perfect for the role. Sounds easy, but 25 witty words can be tough when you’ve got your hand shoved down your pants.

Fleshbot Contest: So You Want to Be a Porn Star [Fleshbot – NSFW]

Tales from the Classroom

According to the US National Education Association, 50% of teachers drop out of the profession within five years. That's a particular shame, since more and more of them have advanced education degrees that are, of course, suitable to education and to nothing else except resume-stuffing. From Sploid.

No matter how much tax money is thrown at U.S. public schools, teachers have been dropping out at the same rate for decades.

And while only half of America's public-school students are still white kids, teachers are still dominated by the same middle-aged women who have always been teachers – and 90% of them are white.

"The average public school teacher is a 43-year-old white, married, religious female," the Detroit Free Press reported today. "About 75% of public school teachers are female."

One thing that has changed for teachers is that they've got more university degrees than ever before: a full 50% of them now hold Master's Degrees.

And the kids they're turning loose on the world are real idiots. Few can read, write, do basic math or even find Iraq on a map, while their simpleton parents are increasingly afraid of science.

Teacher

And on that note, perhaps it's time for a few little tidbits picked up by one of raincoaster's operatives over the Pond in the UK school system. It's as convoluted and politicized as the Knights Templar, and about as open and accessible, so I don't really know the correct terminology for the school in which she works, except that it's paid for by the taxpayers, rather than by rich parents or corporations seeking to mold consumers when their brains are still young, and children go there to give them something to do while their parents are at work and to give the parents a sense of complacency about the way that they turn out.

Or is that too bleak?

In any case, as the raincoaster offshore operative was handing out papers in class one day, she overheard a 16-year-old girl saying to her friends, "but why would anyone want a butt plug with a tail on it???" to which one can, of course, only reply: why would one want one without?

And later that term, walking down the hallway, the r.o.o. passed a cluster of boys discussing something of obvious nefarity, for they clammed up as she passed. Once they thought she was safely out of hearing one turned to the other and picked up where they'd presumably left off.

"So should I shave my balls then?"

R.o.o. cried "Too much information, lads!" and they scattered as if pursued by the hounds of hell.

Hmmmmm. Perhaps we've discovered the source of those "married, religious" women's discomfort with the teaching profession.

PSA: Ten Tips for Office Trysts

Bridget and the guysBecause if you work in a factory rather than an office, being known to sleep with the boss is a status enhancer. Or even the guy who delivers the diesel fuel, come to think of it.

But in the spirit of making ourselves of practical use here at the raincoaster blog, rather than just providing random titillation and eagle voyeurism, we present the New Zealand Herald's Ten rules to help you survive a sneaky affair at the office by Julie Fisher, about whom her coworkers are no doubt gossiping madly even as you read this.

Avoid the photocopier
Do not be tempted to do it on the photocopier. Not even in an ironic way. Canon last year confirmed that it has had to increase the thickness of its glass to cope with an alarming number of bottom-related breakages. A third of Canon technicians say they have had to mend machines that have been sat on. "It's so tempting, particularly if neither of you particularly likes the company you're working for," says Cox. "But not only will you probably break the thing, it's uncomfortable."

I once sat through a quarterly job evaluation that began when my boss brought up the topic of married men, and how normal it was that they had mistresses, and how glamorous that was for the "pampered, adored" mistress. There are times when you can't quite believe what you're hearing, and for raincoaster here this was one of those times. So she said, "well, I sure would make a crappy #2 girl," to which he replied, "Oh no, I think you would make an excellent #2."

Beat.

To which I replied, slowly, "I sure hope I'm going to get an 'Outstanding' on this review, Doug, because otherwise I'm going to go far and wide with my dissatisfaction with this rather unusual review."

Beat.

To which he replied, "Oh, I think you'll do very well for yourself at this company."

I got my Outstanding, too. And by god I earned it; the ability to blackmail a boss is a critical business skill in certain environments.

Would you buy your cosmetic medical procedures from this woman?

Marthat Vasquez, the Botox KillerLet's hope not. Martha Mata Vasquez is the Botox Killer. Her charge has just been upgraded, from the piddly "manslaughter" to actual murder, based on new evidence. Currently being held in Monterey County jail with bail set at $1,000,000, Martha has been toddling all over Northern California giving so-called "Botox Parties" where, instead of actually delivering the deadly poison to the nerves as she was hired to do, she instead injected her victims with cooking oil. It's cheaper, at least in the short run. And there's little risk of victims going to the police and admitting they'd done something so stupid. If they didn't care about appearances, they wouldn't be buying cosmetic medical procedures in the first place.

No-one wants to look bad.

Olivia Castillo just wanted a perky butt. If she thought Botox would give it to her, she didn't understand the first thing about Botox: it's what you give something when it won't stop perking, and you don't want it to. Yes, it can keep your nipples down. It could keep Colin Farrell down in a nudist colony. It can keep anything down, frankly, if you use enough of it in the right place. But Olivia didn't really care about the details, she just wanted a nice butt.

So she paid a total stranger to inject her with substances she didn't understand, in the uncertified and unsterile surroundings of a friend's living room. And died of an embolism as a result.

Man, what ever happened to Tupperware?