Category Archives: Travel

You are not alone: surprise!

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The planet...as seen from Washington and Middle America (is that what they mean by the Mideast?)

According to this National Geographic article, most Americans may be vaguely or acutely aware that illegal immigrants exist, but they have no fucking clue where these people are coming from.

Take Iraq, for example. Despite nearly constant news coverage since the war there began in 2003, 63 percent of Americans aged 18 to 24 failed to correctly locate the country on a map of the Middle East. Seventy percent could not find Iran or Israel.

Nine in ten couldn’t find Afghanistan on a map of Asia.

Who’s with me in thinking the remaining ten percent have served over there? I mean, I’m sure some of the soldiers come back, right? Alive?

Anyway, looking at it from a totally selfish perspective, it’s a good thing. Not only will it eventually bring to a halt American Imperialist expansion, once the (miniscule) current generation of geography-erati die out, but it also effectively prevents them from invading Alberta for oil or Vancouver for drugs. As Rick Mercer said, just take our name off the map index and they’ll NEVER FIND US!

Transcript of late-night phonecall to an anonymous geographer:

Yes, Mister President. No, no, I was awake anyway. What? Uh…yes sir. Yes sir. Ummmmmm…well maybe not, sir. No sir, I’m sorry but I can’t give you the coordinates. Yes sir, I’m aware that it’s rich in natural resources. Yes sir, I’m aware that the people there do not recognize Our Lord, Jesus Christ as the savior. Well sir, it’s just that Y’ha-nthlei is a fictional construct. Pretend, sir. It’s pretend.

PSA: International No Pants Day this Friday, May 5!

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Pants Free and Chil-ly! 

In the current Round 'em Up Hold the Kids Hostage & Deport the Greasy Foreign Bastards climate, it's natural to assume a somewhat reduced turnout for Cinco de Mayo throughout North America. So, what to do this Friday if you just gotta get your celebratin' and commemoratin' on?

International No Pants Day has the answer!

No Pants Day!

  • No Pants Day is this Friday, May the 5th
  • No Pants Day is a day where everyone, be they students, respectable businessmen, or cherished community leaders, leave their pants behind. Usually this means wearing thick, appropriately modest boxer shorts, but bloomers, slips, briefs, and boxer-briefs all work as well.
  • Shirts from SpreadShirt.com can be had here.
  • High quality flyers and raw images can be had here.
  • If you take pictures, upload them to Flickr with the tag 'nopantsday'. If you don't have a flickr account, send them to pics AT nopantsday.com
  • The celebration in Austin will be a part of the Austin Improv Collective's improv shows at the Hideout on Friday. The Hideout is located at 617 Congress Ave. Shows are at 8, 10, and 11:30pm.
  • The celebration in Atlanta, GA will be a pantsless pub meeting (possibly pub crawl?) starting at Trackside in Decatur, Ga, next to Agnes Scott College. Also, people sans pants on bikes will be given extra kudos and will make things easier going from pub to pub with many folks. Meet at Trackside around 9-ish pm
  • Anyone wanting more information should contact us at INFO AT NOPANTSDAY.COM.
  • Check out our myspace account for bulletins at http://myspace.com/nopantsday.
  • Pictures from last year's celebrations across the world can be temporarily seen here.

No Pants Day IconAnd here's our FAQ:

  1. What in the world is No Pants Day?
    No Pants Day is a day where everyone, be they students, respectable businessmen, or cherished community leaders, leave their pants behind. Usually this means wearing thick, appropriately modest boxer shorts, but bloomers, slips, briefs, and boxer-briefs all work as well.
  2. That's it?
    Yeah, that's it. But from the core idea comes so much more. When large groups of people parade around in public without their pants, amazing things are bound to happen. At the very least, you'll take your drab, wretched life a little less seriously, at least for one day.
  3. When is it?
    No Pants Day is always on the first Friday of May, which this year is May the 5th, 2006.
  4. So I can wear a skirt instead? or "Hey, no problem, I was gonna wear a dress anyways!"
    You're very clever, but you're missing the point. Articles of clothing like skirts, shorts, kilts, and dresses don't count, because people are encouraged to revel in the absence of pants, and not replace pants with other clothing. The point is to relax and enjoy the humor inherent in people not wearing pants. A good rule of thumb is to pretend like you were going to wear pants, and then just fail to put them on.
  5. I know of or am hosting a No Pants Day event. Can I get it listed here?
    YES. Please send an e-mail right away to info@nopantsday.com, and we'll post a news item detailing your event. The same is true for anyone hosting their own No Pants Day website.
  6. I want to record a No Pants Day song! Can I?
    Of course, and we'll be glad to host it here and give out all your relevent contact information. Also, we'll eventually be making a No Pants Day audio CD, so your work could be on that, too. Again, send e-mail to info@nopantsday.com
  7. How long has this been going on?
    No one knows for sure how long No Pants Day has been celebrated… some reports place it as early as '85/'86, but for all we know it started long before then. We've been actively promoting No Pants Day for 5 years now, ourselves. If anyone has any concrete evidence or tales of earlier celebrations, please let us know at info@nopantsday.com.
  8. Is this a joke?
    In the same way that all of life is a joke, yes. But no. We're not trying to scam anyone, or satirize anything. We're simply advocating a fun-filled holiday, and the more people who participate the more fun it is.
  9. Did you know that in Britain "pants" International No Pants Day Observationmeans underwear? Shouldn't it be No Trousers Day instead?
    Hmmm.. this holiday could be extremely interesting in Britain, then. But seriously, No Pants Day just sounds catchier, doesn't it? And besides, this gives British people something to mention when you bring up the holiday around them. They laugh and say, "In Britain, 'pants' means…." etc, etc, and they feel good for being the center of attention. So bully for them!

Simpsons In De No Pants Day

Record oil prices bring organized crime!!!!!

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Oil Barrels, now sadly empty. Don't cry for me, Barcelona! 

From the Times of London, via their special correspondent in Barcelona. Seems that record oil prices have brought out the worst in some Russian gangsters, who are raiding, robbing, and reaping profits of up to $25 a barrel!

…at least 300,000 litres of one of Spain’s most valuable products were stolen. In the latest, thieves used saws at the weekend to cut pipes and siphon off 100,000 litres into lorries at El Olivo plant in Vilches, near Jaén, Andalusia.

Similar raids have been carried out in Málaga and Oil Can, don't cry for me, Barcelona!Córdoba. Police believe that the oil is diluted, bottled and sold elsewhere in Spain or sent to Japan or Russia…

Julián Logroño, the president of the co-operative, said: “It is incredible. It had to be the work of a well-organised gang…”

The Russian mafia sure loves its olive oil, eh?

done like dinner

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Prison Food and GourmetsWell-done. There is no pleasure on Earth as satisfying as a well-made, much-needed meal, none! and here I speak from experience. How much? Nunyabidness, but more than enough.

I'm very fortunate to live in Vancouver, home of the greatest pleasure/dining dollar ratio on the planet (with the exception of the dining room of the Weltefaren Homestay…on Pulau Ai…in the Bandas…part of the Moluccas…in the eastern part of Indonesia…not far from Irian Jaya…they've stopped killing the Christians now…ran out…you see why I leave it off the list?). So when I have some cash jingling in my pocket – and God knows the amounts of cash I usually possess jingle rather than rustle, alas – I like to take myself out for a nice meal.

Certainly, I've had some crappy meals in my time, but most of them have been my own fault, rather than a restaurant's. Sure, there was the "Chicken Teri Yucky" in Honolulu, and I've gnawed my way through countless plates of rubbery, tasteless pasta at chain restaurants preferred by the sort of men I used to date. They always said they chose those restaurants because they liked to know what they were getting; as a comedienne once said, the difference between men and women is that when you take us out and you wonder what you're going to get later, we already know. And believe me, TGIFriday's isn't gonna help your cause. I'm not in the realms of the dinner whores, but it had better be at least as good as something I could have made myself, otherwise why would I put up with the ridiculous spaceship-themed drink menu and the oversize, overloud sports tv? Word to the wise: Eighties soft rock does not put us "in the mood." There's only so much Steve Perry can do for ya.

Where was I before I started ranting? Oh yeah, in utero.

Anyway…

I've had my share of craptastic meals on my own. They were largely, I am proud to say, not the result of cuilinary incompetence but rather the result of shall we say catastrophically limited menu options. Like, limited to what the Food Bank put in the bag that day. Just try and whip up something wonderful out of four frozen sweet potatos the size of your calves, a tin of anchovies, and a jar of garlic dills.

Actually the worst on paper wasn't too bad in action: I had heated and quickly snarfed a really quite decent can of beef stew, chock-full of meaty chunks. SCORE! Processed meat, of course, but then any protein that comes in a can is far from its original state; that's a given. I think it all comes from the same animal as acrylic fur; doesn't it live in Russia and Mongolia? But anyway, when you're Food Bank-dependent, any non-bean protein is like manna from heaven. And, curious, I picked up the can to read the calories per serving, for lo even the poor watch their weight. Couldn't find it. No nutritional info except ingredients. Odd. Then I noticed something down near the bottom of the can, a little banner trumpeting some benefits of the nutritional powerhouse that was said Beef Stew.

"Helps maintain a healthy coat."

Oh. Joy.

But I have to admit, it still tasted better than some of the things I've had in restaurants.

And on that note, it's time to throw in a link to the Top 50 Restaurants in the World.

Bon Appetit!

Brazilliant Gizoogling: a clash of cultures

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Snoop Doggy DogFrom The Times. Of course, The Times isn't exactly the paper of record for most of the people who care the most about this story, so for the benefit of Snoop fans everywhere (Snooptologists?), we have taken the liberty of running the story through Gizoogle. Behold:

Rap stizzar held gangsta po-po is hizzy in airport fiznight
By Devika Bhat

SNOOP Dizzle was releazed F-R-to-tha-izzom po-po custody witout charge yesterday afta a fight at Heathrow in W-H-to-tha-izzich seven po-po offica were injured dogg.

The American rappa, whose real nizzle is Calvin Broadus, was arrested wit five shot calla of his entourage fo` violent disorda n affray baller an argument over admission ta a first-class lounge. Afta nearly 24 hours spizzent in a po-po C-to-tha-izzell, he was granted bizzle n driven out of Heathrow po-po station pimpin' sunglasses n draped in a blue blanket.

He is claimed ta have screamed at stizzay n thrown bottles of duty-free whisky cracka his 30-strong entourage was refused entry ta tha British Airways lounge at Terminal 1. Only three wizzle said ta hold first-class tickets. All were subsequently refused entry ta they aircraft n banned F-R-to-tha-izzom travell'n wit BA . Snoop dogg is in this bitch.

Police were called n wizzle escort'n tha group away wizzle anotha disturbance broke out . Chill as I take you on a trip. One of tha brotha suffered a broken hand n otha had cuts n bruises.

Airport staff claimed tizzy a minda thriznew a policizzle across a room as more thiznan 20 poser tried ta restrain tha group. The entourage was reported ta have bizzy squirted wit peppa spray before tha 34-year-old baller was arrested wit fizzy otha men.

Scotland Yard told The Times T-H-to-tha-izzat six US citizens had bizzle taken into custody at a po-po station in West London . Put ya mutha fuckin choppers up if ya feel this.. A spokesman said: “At: 6pm on Wednesday po-po wizzy alerted ta a group of approximately 30 thugz caus'n a disturbance in a business lounge at Terminal 1 of Heathrow airport . Listen to how a motherfucker flow shit. We understand thizzat tha group had been told by an airline that they would not be permitted ta board a flight. Pimp attended n attempted ta direct tha group ta baggage reclaim fo my bling bling. Gangsta of tha group tizzle became abusive n pushed officers.”

An airport employee, who asked not ta be named, said: “There: wizzy all these huge 20-stone men smash'n up display cabinets n throw'n thugz around. I saw Snoop Dizzle on tha ground wit four po-po try'n ta put him in handcuffs. His drug deala were straight trippin' bottles of duty-free at people like a motha fucka. Then tha po-po used peppa spray on them.”

A BA spokesman said afta tha incident: “It: is witin our wanna be gangsta ta ban them fo` life n they certainly wizzle not be straight trippin' wit us in tha nizzle future.”

The fracas wizzill be mizzle tizzy an inconvenience fo` Snoop Dogg, who was in transit F-R-to-tha-izzom Los Angeles n was due ta fly ta Johannizzles fo` a gig last nizzay bitch ass nigga. Concerts is also scheduled fo` Durban n Cape Tizzown bitch ass nigga.

Dizzy DAYS

Grizzew up in Long Beach, Califizzle n became an associate of tha LA Crips gizzy . They call me tha black folks president. He has been convicted of drug deal'n

In 1993 he was tried n acquitted of cracka n found fame thizzay year wit his debut album Doggystyle

Recently he featured in several Hollywood films, trippin' Starsky n Hiznutch , n was invited ta speak at tha Oxford Union