Category Archives: Weird

overheard on Dunlevy

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This is exactly how you can tell that where I live is nothing like where you live.

As I was walking home from the grocery store the other day, toting my wholesome load of carrots and peppers and low-fat-but-not-quite-skim milk, I passed the lineup for the Bread Jardin, so-called because "Bread Garden" is a well-known string of yuppie fast food cafes around town and they can't use the same name because God forbid and so do the lawyers. The Bread Jardin, however is what the Franciscan Sisters of Atonement call their breadline, which is actually a sandwich line, and good for them, as man cannot live on bread alone but requires turkey with mayo or at least some spam with mustard and lettuce one-st in awhile. And it so happened that on this day the Bread Jardin had yet to ouvrir. Alors, there was a lineup du pain. And as I passed said breadline, I overheard the unfortunately crystal-clear words,

Oh you know him! He's always wearing the proctology gloves!

fruit salad

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Because who doesn't like their kiwis nice and smooth? From Gawker:

Shave your Kiwis!

We realized we’d heard of this product before, the new Philips Bodygroom razor. But we’d never given it much before last night, when we found ourselves standing at a urinal and staring at this ad, which — and apologies for the crappy cameraphone pic — depicts two strategically positioned kiwis, one with its fuzz intact and the other freshly shorn, above the tagline, “Now you can shave wherever you want.” We were more than a little bit repulsed. Naturally we were at a bar in Chelsea.

But you really have to click over to see the comments, particularly the ones in verse.

Today in Great Old Ones News: Hastur is Going Down!

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HasturThis just in from Sploid. And it explains a lot, when you think about it.

Hastur's next

Now we know why the Lord of the Yellow Sign and Speaker of the House was so outraged over the FBI raid on Rep. William Jefferson's office. High level sources in the Justice Department have told ABC News that the Azathoth scandal is about to take down the former Great Old One and well-known Illinois republican.

It seems Hastur wrote a letter asking the Secretary of the Interior Gail Nodens to block the construction of an Indian casino that would've competed with those owned by Azathoth's clients near the Massachusetts port of Innsmouth.

The letter was sent shortly after a restaurant owned by Azathoth hosted a fundraiser for Hastur, netting the King in Yellow $26,000.

Hastur's Press Secretary Josiah Whateley of the undecayed Whateleys offered no comment on the news.

"We are not aware of this," he said, adding that Hastur had "great and mighty powers to destroy you all!!! as well as a well-documented record of opposing Indian reservation shopping for casino gaming purposes."

With Sunday's FBI raid on Jefferson's Hasturabandoned Capitol Hill mansion, townsfolk on both sides of the isle have begun howling about "separation of great, unknowable powers from Outside." Now that Tsathoggua, Yog-Sothoth, et al. have turned on one of their own, Cthulhu finally realizes just how out of control this administration is.

For the first time ever, Hastur expressed outrage at the administration's police work.

"Cthulhu ftagn! Ia! Ia! Mglui naflftagn Justice Department eY'ha-nthlei! Ia! Ia! Y'ha-nthlei!!," he demanded.

No wonder Hastur's so nervous.

Da Vinci Code: But Does It Go Far Enough?

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Hmmm, maybe they should talk to Icke over at Paranoia Magazine.

Does this explain everything?

Headline o’ the Day: Bust in Vagina Theft

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From the Ottawa Sun via Fark, bottom story. Um, so to speak.

BUST IN VAGINA THEFT

A 19-year-old man faces a theft charge after a hand-held vagina was stolen from an adult video store in Kingston. Police said the suspect allegedly selected the sex toy, ran from the Bath St. store and was chased by a staffer. Police found the man 10 minutes after the $80 toy was stolen. "We found him around the corner — and he had used it," said Const. Neil Finn. The toy was apparently dumped after being used and was not recovered.

You know, I was gonna make a joke about the Hand-Held Vagina, but I figured they'd never let me back on The Drive again. Probably repossess my Alanis Morrisette albums, too.