Category Archives: Wildlife

further proof that the end times are upon us

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Octopus vs Scottie

There you have it, nothing less than solid proof that the Cthulhoids have arisen. Not only has R’lyeh broken the surface once more, freeing Cthulhu to stalk once more among men, slavering with bloodlust and howling with madness, but His legions on the ocean bottom have seized control of the distilleries the Scots, so foolish, so blind, located together on a remote island, hemmed in by fog and shunned by mainlanders; a strange, lonely, broken-down place, where the very air corrodes the greyed stone from which the town is hewn. The townsfolk, isolated and inbred as they are, provided little resistance, arming themselves only with bulky helmets and a peculiar, non-Euclidean weapon consisting of a bizarre and abhorrent arrangement of pipes and airsacs. Their precautions were as nothing against the powerful arms and ravenous beaks of the briny legions, although the invaders did have to stuff their earholes with kelp against the terrible assault of the sonic waves.

Make mine a double, but I think I’m sticking with something further inland: tequila. That’s made from cactus, right?

the T factor: Belgian vs crocodile

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kid vs croc, somebody call Steve Irwin!You don’t need to be a math genius to lay the odds on this one.

Yes, dunking your fleshy paw in the water and splashing is a great way to attract a crocodile. Works every time.

What’s not such a good idea is the whole “attracting a crocodile” part. Is Belgian sashimi as tasty as Belgian fries? There’s one crocodile in Australia who knows for sure, but I’m not gonna do the interview unless it’s by sattelite.

News.com.au has the story:

Queensland Parks and Wildlife Service (QPWS) spokesman Mark Read says the 24-year-old male tourist splashed water to “attract a crocodile” to photograph it at Cape Tribulation, about 350km north of Cairns, today.

“It wasn’t a good idea,” Dr Reid said.

Thank you, Dr. Reid, for that insight. Can you translate that into Walloon for me? Tourist season is just starting.

Yoohoo! Over here!!!

killer snails on the move!

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Giant African Snails. Icky, icky poo!They are coming…

The snail made a splash as it entered the sea. To drown or to be eaten alive? the professor wondered. He was waist-deep when he stumbled, waist-deep but head under when the snail crashed down upon him, and he realized as the thousands of pairs of teeth began to gnaw at his back, that his fate was both to drown and to be chewed to death.

(Patricia Highsmith, The Quest for Blank Claveringi)

Cool!

via Fark. I have that story in an ancient and mouldy Alfred Hitchcock anthology, and an excellent and creeptastic suspense-filled read it is, too. Everyone loves to watch a bore get what’s really coming to him, no matter how long it takes to get there.

It appears if he lives in Barbados, it’s already arrived. AP reports on the invasion of Giant African snails:

A breed of giant, ravenous snails that first appeared in Barbados five years ago has thrived on the tropical island, destroying crops and prompting calls for the government to eliminate the slimy pests…

“We saw snails riding on each other’s backs and moving in clusters,” said David Walrond, chairman of the local emergency response office that organized 60 volunteers for the hunt…

Ah, but were they the hunters or the quarry, my friend? Let us hope that these comparatively peaceable, although potentially fatal and certainly voracious, snails never call upon their aquatic cousins, the deadly Cone Snails, one of the most poisonous creatures to crawl across the beslimed and horror-struck face of the planet. One message carried through the briny vastness to Rl’yeh and an army of vengence could be unleashed!

In fact, they may already be on their way, streaming towards Barbados by the thousands.

Just. Very. Slowly.

now boarding, at gate 666

Springtime for Steve (Irwin)

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it's springtime for hitler, baby!

In a nod to the most glorious traditions of musical theatre, producers in Australia have commissioned a tour de farce guaranteed to land on front pages around the world on opening night.

The draw?

Steve Irwin, singing “Let that stingray of love pierce your heart,” backed up by a chorus line of dancing stingrays.

Crikey.

crikey man, put that thing away. Too soon! Too soon!

Pentecostals want to spend taxes de-gaying Norwegian bunnies

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Gay dogs do it doggie styleThat’s about it, really.

Except that the Lutherans, by contrast, simply wish the Norwegians to burn in Hell, rather than waste any time in attempts at animal re-heterosexualizing first.

I guess they don’t like waiting.

A Lutheran priest said he hoped the organisers would “burn in hell,” and a Pentecostal priest lashed out at the exhibition, saying taxpayers’ money used for it would have been better spent helping the animals correct “their perversions and deviances”.

To be fair, this one looks like he's on the DLGot this from ArchieArchive‘s report on the Oslo exhibition of animal homosexuality. It’s a really interesting report, and the links provide some much-needed insight into the very nature of human character.

Big horn sheep “need to have sex with their own fellows just to be accepted. And by being accepted they are making up very important social relations which later give them better access to females,” says Mr Soeli. 

So Hollywood really IS run by sheep. That would explain why nobody’s bought my script yet. Maybe I should have my agent fuck them…oh right. Anybody know a pretty, gay agent? 

And look, here’s Annie and Susan, explained:

Among swans and flamingos there have been cases of two females living together using sexual contact with males purely to reproduce.  

And, look over there, behind the bearded moss: Tom and John!

Strap in!

Or is it Lance and Matchew?

It has been reported that in certain bird species males double up, allowing them to control a larger territory than a heterosexual couple, which in turn serves to attract more females.

Looks like it’s working…

Tom Cruise, So in love