What? You’re still here? Haven’t run straight over to read the living SHIT out of this gem immediately? Still need some motivation? Well, here’s a wee excerpt, to give you that kick in the butt you never knew you needed.
Oh, it’s hygge AF. Just the thing for sipping wine in the yacht’s hot tub as the snowflakes float down and we all chuckle knowingly, each feeling kinship with those adorably primitive Japanese hot springs monkeys. Oooh, Can you order those too?
Price: $29.95
Copy: “This triple-insulated mug from Corkcicle keeps your favorite beverages warm for hours. Its silicone base resists slipping while its tight-fitting lid prevents spills. Featuring a sweater-inspired snowflake design, this mug is ideal for outdoor activities and on-the-go sipping.”
Drew says: THAT’S A YETI! YOU’RE SELLING ME A FUCKING YETI! A Yeti inspired by fucking sweaters. And where’s the wine factor into all this? Now I’m pissed. Oh hey guys, I just disrupted the beer coozie sphere with my new product, the TABLACTITE NARNIA LION.
Hello, Canadians! We imagine you’re here because you got one of these dreaded “let’s claw back your benefits for Christmas” letters from the CRA, ie The Taxman (we’re not being sexist: that’s just what it’s called, It’s The Law). These letters informed people who’d received the CERB government covid pandemic supports that they may not be eligible, and that they had to prove their eligibility and/or repay their CERB benefits…
by January 1, 2021.
We have good news, bad news, and more good news. And then some even gooder news.
First of all, if it’s any consolation, Justin Trudeau is even madder at the CRA than you are right now. Before those letters went out he was pretty much unbeatable in the polls, and now all of a sudden he looks like The Princeling Who Stole Christmas. If capital punishment weren’t against every fiber of his Neoliberal being, he’d be…
Good afternoon, kittens. Today’s briefing bingo was done live on Twitter, and laterblogged here because of internet speed-related technical difficulties.
Our briefing bingo for today is named after the Bela Lugosi film “How to Handle Women.” Given that audiences for his live appearances were 90% female, and that he had five wives, we can conclude that Bela not only could Get It, but could most probably Handle It as well.
Speaking of handling things, it’s the Justin Trudeau hour:
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addresses Canadians from outside his home in Ottawa on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic.
And I note that the other federal officials are also doing a briefing today. Some day I might be arsed to cover more than one briefing in a day, but that day? Is not this day, kittens.
Not today, kittens.
Linus and Matt Gleason know all about Ottawa
And me without coffee. I. Can’t. Even. Nothing, kittens, nothing is sacred anymore.
This whole briefing has undercurrents of frustration, alienation, and impending retribution, because (spoiler: not just because it’s 2020!):
Yeah, I'm pretty peeved at them myself. They've stopped my CRB benefits, demanded documentation (faxed in, can you believe it), and say it'll take roughly 4 weeks to evaluate them. Meanwhile, no CRB for me at all. I had to apply for welfare.
Of course, we know that NOBODY ever gets fired in Ottawa, no matter how bad the fuckup.
“That letter” being the letter than many Canadians received telling them that they had to repay their CERB benefits “by January 1, 2021”. I did not receive this letter, although when I tried to sign in to get my CRB benefits again (the dog-sitting biz is still quite thoroughly en toilette) I did get notified that my benefits are frozen, and that I needed to provide documentation proving I qualify, and further, that I needed to provide that documentation by fax. The message helpfully noted that there are many free online services that will convert photos/scans to fax, and this is true, but literally none of them will convert and fax the 49 pages of proof I needed. Just another example of the government demanding, in a perfectly reasonable tone of voice, something which is literally impossible for many desperate people to provide.
Good morning, kittens! We’re ready, coffee by our sides (well, my side. I’m always on my side. I dunno about you) for today’s Covid Briefing Bingo. I could have pre-blogged all of this pre-amble last night, but I had a Zoom meeting at 9am and said fuckit. So, here we are.
—Ralph Waldo Emerson, Essays, First Series 1841 via LinusQuotes.Tumblr.Com
And our briefing bingo today is brought to you by the 1920 German silent film The Devil Worshippers, starring Bela Lugosi. I thought “The Covid Briefing Bingo Worshippers” was better than “The Devil Covid Briefing Bingo”, for marketing purposes. Which, I may be wrong about that. And Die Covid Briefing Bingo Teufelsanbeter was a no-go from the very beginning. That dog just would not hunt.
Fun fact: I did some A/B testing, and thumbnails which feature a pic from a Bela Lugosi movie outpull thumbnails which feature a picture of Justin Trudeau. I’d have lost a bet, but then as I’m always saying, Bela Could Get It.
Now, here are your bingo cards. I’ll try and get the next one done soon. I just bought a pound of Starbucks beans, I might have the energy to get this out before the next briefing!
Here we are again, at the quite civilized hour of slightly after 4:30pm, and while I feel the Covidian ennui which shall forever scar this year in memory, I also feel seen. They finally moved the briefing to a time I won’t sleep through it. Although it doesn’t mean I feel less than zombie-like. It is 2020, after all. Vitality would be positively inappropriate!
I am but a child of my time, as was the Prince of Denmark. He was VERY 2020, was Hamlet.
Today’s briefing bingo is brought to you by the Bela Lugosi movie White Zombie, and it’s a cracking good ‘un! The very first Zombie movie ever, and still one of the best. The sound effects of the scene in the sugar mill alone will chill you to the core. The heroine is a complete dip, it must be admitted, and so is the hero for the first third of the film, But so were most people back then. The acting is very good indeed, with multiple memorable characters and the direction and script top notch.
From the YouTube notes: The first zombie film… ever! Bela Lugosi stars, in arguably his best performance next to Dracula, as Murder Legendre, voodoo master and keeper of the undead. Madge Bellamy, Robert Frazer, John Harron and Joseph Cawthorn co-star. Directed by Victor Halperin. Followed by the Lugosi-less “Revolt Of The Zombies” (1936). The film “White Zombie” and related promotional materials are public domain.
And for those who are still playing, rather than merely reading these commentaries, here are your game cards:
and all of our other Covid Briefing Bingos are on the category page.
And our zombie-less (unless you count jaded civil servants in the background) CPAC video, which YouTube tells me currently has 107 viewers staring haplessly at a desk, an empty chair, and a row of carefully arranged Canadian flags.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau speaks with reporters on Parliament Hill following his virtual meeting with Canada’s first ministers. Health transfers and vaccine distribution were on top of the agenda. The prime minister also provides an update on the federal government’s response to the COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic. He is joined by Intergovernmental Affairs Minister Dominic LeBlanc, as well as Dr. Theresa Tam, Canada’s chief public health officer, and Major-General Dany Fortin, vice-president of logistics and operations at the Public Health Agency of Canada and head of the country’s vaccine distribution efforts. Health Canada announced the previous day that it had approved Pfizer-BioNTech’s COVID-19 vaccine and Canada’s first shipment of doses is expected to arrive the week of December 14. An initial batch of up to 249,000 doses will arrive before the end of 2020.
Shout-out to the reporter reading an actual, physical newspaper while waiting for the briefing. Way to fly the flag!
