Kismet!

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celebrity sperminators?

celebrity sperminators?

You know how fond we are of our internet quizzes around these parts (particularly when we’re feeling lazy, which is always). This may be our greatest find in all of Internet Quiz history. Oh, first we were all like, that site is so skanky! It’s fucking Essex Online, with a side of Whalley.tripod.com crossed with JerseyShore.com.

It is nothing more nor less than a celebrity sperm bank.

And…it’s British people. So their definition of “celebrity” includes basically anyone with a tan and competent orthodontistry.

But they have a quiz, so we gave it a whirl. Well, just LOOK at this, wouldja?

Famedaddy Bono

Famedaddy Bono

Obviously this quiz is wise beyond the lot of mortals. HOW DID IT KNOW???? Le sigh. Some day.

Photobucket

The Ultimate New Media Smackdown! Gawker vs Hulk Hogan

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This is astonishing. Stunning. Staggering. Entirely mind-blowing. This video describing the sex tape drama between gossipy website Gawker and immoral wrestler and tanning product abuser Hulk Hogan will cause you to question the very nature of reality, if not the point of existence itself.

I know what you’re wondering; you have the same question as me. We all want to know the answer.

How does that studly himbo Gawker get his logo to float in front of his shirt like that?

Thoughtcrime does not entail life: thoughtcrime IS life.

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Pope Vader finds your lack of faith disturbing

Pope Vader finds your lack of faith disturbing

And so, with a paraphrase from 1984 and a quote from Star Wars, that concludes our sermon for today.

Here is your catechism.

True believers are wonderful, right up to the point where they subjugate their individual moral responsibility to their loyalty. At that point, it’s time for a revolt. If they are part of a revolutionary, empowering movement and they suddenly start casting aspersions on one another’s loyalty, of all things, then you know something’s rotten in the state of Cyberia. They may or may not be acting on orders from above; in fact, I find fandoms do this spontaneously at a certain point, particularly those which perceive themselves as beleaguered.

It is possible to resist them at the same time as you pity them.

Up with thoughtcrime!

Contemporary Journalism 101: The Twitter Stalk

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Please hold for Hashtag John Doe

Please hold for Hashtag John Doe

You might think it’s easy being a reporter these days, what with newspapers being so high on the hog and all. Well, kid, you’d be wrong.

It’s a dirty business, being a reporter, and don’t call me a “hack” if you don’t want a shiner that you can read a pulp novel by.

We do things. Things we can’t talk about. Things normal people would not know how to understand. It’s better that we just keep these depraved little rituals to ourselves, but you know me: can’t keep a secret. That’s why I got into this business: so people would pay me not to keep things to myself.

Things like this.

Background: State Representative Dan Gordon of Rhode Island is Anonymous’s least and best favorite State Representative, alternately promoting and trolling them. And he promised me an interview. Many. Many. Many times.

So. It comes to this.

https://twitter.com/_RepDanGordon/status/256444347933937665

https://twitter.com/_RepDanGordon/status/256444932124971008

https://twitter.com/_RepDanGordon/status/256452107924819969

Hey, I never said it was pretty, boys and girls.

Mutant Elk caught in the wilds of Britain

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Yes, “the wilds of Britain.” See what I did there?

The Guardian captions this "An elk." Time to stop hiring inbred photo interns, no matter how dazzling their connections.

The Guardian captions this “An elk.” Time to stop hiring inbred photo interns, no matter how dazzling their connections.

According to the UK paper of record for Ecologically Sensitive Courtesy Titles, the UK is harbouring a fugitive and desperate band of elk rustlers.

PC Jackie Poole, who is leading the hunt, said: “This is an unusual theft and would have required a vehicle, and probably quite a bit of time, to complete. I would ask people in the area at the time to cast their mind back and see if they remember seeing anything suspicious.

Under “Anything suspicious” we must list the above, a moose impersonating an elk in the Guardian. Could the paper have a vested interest in confusing the issue and preventing innocent Somersettians from recognizing an actual elk when they see one?

Hmmm, one wonders…what are they serving in the executive dining room at the Grauniad this week, eh?

Dear United Kingdom, this is what elks look like:

Real Elks, duh

Real Elks, duh