Monthly Archives: September 2006

jet-set rednecks: incest, inheritance, and independence

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I'll just bet he does!Now, are they not a lovely couple, in a May/December way? But not so lovely when you realize it’s also in a child/progenitor way.

Say hi to Bruce McMahan, McMahan’s Furniture heir, former PaineWebber and Bear Stearns honcho and current (clock ticking) chief of McMahan Securities. She’s Linda Marie Hodge McMahan Schutt, PhD (Psych, natch; draw your own inferences), and executive vice president of marketing for Argent Funds Group LLC and McMahan Securities.

You’d think the Westminster Abbey nuptuals of such a pair would rate a brief mention in the Times, wouldn’t you? Well, you’d be wrong.

See, she’s his daughter.

And that, my friends, is the difference between the Times and the Village Voice. (via Fark)

In court papers, McMahan denies that he ever had a sexual affair with his daughter. But he doesn’t explain how his and Linda‘s DNA turned up on a vibrator that Linda‘s husband uncovered in her luggage. McMahan also hints that Linda may not be his biological daughter, despite a DNA test he paid for showing with 99.7 percent probability that he is her father…

Then, on September 13, as this article was being lovely wedding rings you've got there. Pretty stupid of you to photograph them, though.prepared for print, all five lawsuits were settled on undisclosed terms. As part of the settlement, a federal judge in San Diego sealed the files of the California lawsuit and took the rare step of wiping out any record that the lawsuit had ever existed.

Through McMahan‘s L.A. public relations firm, the parties sent a statement to New Times, describing the matter as a mere “family dispute,” and alluded to taking legal action if this newspaper published this article, which is drawn from the information in the court cases that McMahan has gone to such lengths to hide from public view.

If you’ve ever thought about reading Kathryn Harrison‘s The Kiss, I’d advise you to skip it and just check out this bizarre and twisted tale. It trumps Harrison‘s subsequently-repudiated memoir on every measure that counts: more laws broken, dodgy Dubai dollars, a posh wedding (Westminster! Abbey!), private spas, everyone involved seems to have had more marriages than Mickey Rooney and Elizabeth Taylor combined (with the exception of the blushing bride. She really was Daddy’s girl), incriminating videotape, a vast fortune, lawsuits galore, Eastern European mail order brides, and, if I may remind you, DNA-encrusted sex toys!

What’s not to like?

Yeah, there but for the grace of Dr. Smith, go these two

the middle east explained, in 90 seconds

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No, really. This Flash animation from Maps of War and via Fark, shows five thousand years of history in ninety seconds, and all of a sudden things make a lot more sense. Heck, I’m Christian and even I’d forgotten about the Crusader Kingdoms; I guess in Iraq and Afghanistan we have version 2.0. Well, this puts it into perspective, let’s just say that.

Who has controlled the Middle East over the course of history? Pretty much everyone. Egyptians, Turks, Jews, Romans, Arabs, Greeks, Persians, Europeans…the list goes on. Who will control the Middle East today? That is a much bigger question.

more canuck madness: The Last Saskatchewan Pirate

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Yes, it’s the well-beloved classic from the Arrogant Worms, as enacted by a group of landlocked Canuckistani teenagers. These guys are evidently so Saskatchewani that they can’t even find a puddle to use as a backdrop, and make do with a playground and some barns instead. All in the adaptive, piratical spirit of the original, it must be admitted.

The Last Saskatchewan Pirate

I used to be a farmer and I made a livin’ fine
I had a little stretch of land along the CP line
But times went by and though I tried the money wasn’t there
And bankers came and took my land and told me fair is fair
I looked for every kind of job, the answer always no
“Hire you now?” they always laughed, “We just let twenty go!”
The government they promised me a measly little sum
But I’ve got too much pride to end up just another bum
Then I thought who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone
I’m going to be a pirate on the River Saskatchewan….
Arrrrrgh!

Cause it’s a Heave! Ho! Hay! Ho! Comin’ down the plains
Stealin’ wheat and barley and all the other grains
It’s a Ho! Hay! Hi! Hay! Farmers bar your doors
When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina’s mighty shores

Well you’d think the local farmers would know that I’m at large
But just the other day I found an unprotected barge
I snuck up right behind them and they were none the wiser
I rammed the ship and sank it and I stole their fertilizer
A bridge outside of Moosejaw spans a mighty river
Farmers cross in so much fear their stomachs are aquiver
‘Cause they know that Tractor Jack is hiding in the bay
I’ll jump the bridge and knock them cold and sail off with their hay

Cause it’s a Heave! Ho! Hay! Ho! Comin’ down the plains
Stealin’ wheat and barley and all the other grains
It’s a Ho! Hay! Hi! Hay! Farmers bar your doors
When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina’s mighty shores

Well Mountie Bob he chased me, he was always at my throat
He’d follow on the shoreline but he didn’t own a boat
But cutbacks were a comin’ and the mountie lost his job
So now he’s sailin’ with me and we call him Salty Bob
A swingin’ sword, a scull ‘n’ bones and pleasant company
I never pay my income tax and screw the G.S.T. (screw it!)
Prince Albert down to Saskatoon, the terror of the sea
If you want to reach the Co-op, boy, you gotta get by me!

Cause it’s a Heave! Ho! Hay! Ho! Comin’ down the plains
Stealin’ wheat and barley and all the other grains
It’s a Ho! Hay! Hi! Hay! Farmers bar your doors
When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina’s mighty shores

Well pirate life’s appealing but you don’t just find it here
I’ve heard that in Alberta there’s a band of buccaneers
They roam the Athabaska from Smith to Fort McKay
You’re gonna lose your Stetson if you have to pass their way
Well winter is a comin’ and a chill is in the breeze
My pirate days are over when the river starts to freeze
I’ll be back in spring time, but now I have to go
I heard there’s lots of plunderin’ down in New Mexico

Cause it’s a Heave! Ho! Hay! Ho! Comin’ down the plains
Stealin’ wheat and barley and all the other grains
It’s a Ho! Hay! Hi! Hay! Farmers bar your doors
When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina’s mighty shores

Canuckistani 2.0: The War of 1812

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This is not the Arrogant Worms; this is Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie, and they are performing The War of 1812. Do try to keep your Canuckistani Comedy Troupes straight. We wouldn’t want to have to invade!

1812, the rematch. Any time you're ready

O….Come back proud Canadians,
To before you had TV.
No Hockey Night in Canada,
there was no CBC.

In 1812 Madison was mad,
He was the president you know.
Well he thought he’d tell the British where they ought to go.
He thought he’d invade Canada,
He thought that he was tough.
Instead we went to Washington,
And burned down all his stuff.

And the White House burned, burned, burned.
And we’re the ones that did it,
It burned, burned, burned.
While the president ran and cried,
It burned, burned, burned.
And things were very historical,
And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies WaWaWa
In the war of 1812.

Those hillbillies from Kentucky,
Dressed in green and red.
Left home to fight in Canada,
But they returned home dead.
It’s the only war the Yankees lost except for Vietnam.
And also the Alamo and the Bay of Ham.
The looser was America,
The winner was ourselves.
So join right in and gloat about the war of 1812.

And the White House burned, burned, burned.
And we’re the ones that did it,
It burned, burned, burned.
While the president ran and cried,
It burned, burned, burned.
And things were very historical,
And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies WaWaWa
In the war of 1812.

In 1812 we were just sitting around,
Minding our own business,
Putting crops into the ground.
We heard the soilders coming,
And we didn’t like that sound.
So we took a boat to Washington and burned it to the ground.

Oh we fired our guns but the Yankees kept on a coming,
There wasn’t quite as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and the Yankees started running,
Down the Mississippi to the gulf of Mexico.
They ran through the snow,
And they ran through the forest,
They ran through the bushes where the beavers wouldn’t go,
They ran so fast they forgot to take their culture,
Back to America, and Gulf and Texaco.

So if you go to Washington,
It’s building clean and nice,
Bring a pack of matches,
And we’ll burn the White House twice.

And the White House burned, burned, burned,
But the Americans wont admit it.
It burned, burned, burned…
It burned and burned and burned
It burned, burned, burned
I bet that made them mad.
And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies WaWaWa
In the war of 1812.

giant blue lobster caught in Britain

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Bluey, they called him. I guess they’ve got creativity rationing in place in Blighty.  And maybe not so much “Giant” as “Really more than you could eat at one sitting.”

Anyhow, this Ananova report is the third in the “bizarrely-coloured lobster” series, a semi-regular feature on the raincoaster blog. He wins on sheer size and age; he’s around my age! Wonder if he’s got a blog, too.

Zahra d’Aronville, from Blue Reef, said: “Bluey is quite an unusual lobster. Scientists say that only one in every three to five million is this colour.

“He has been very lucky to survive because being so blue he is quite easy to spot by predators.

“Lobsters this colour usually get eaten when they are much younger and smaller so it is very unusual to see a lobster of this colour so big.”