switched on Jesus!

Switched on JesusSuffer the little children to keep away from this creepy, Pedophiterian light switch plate from Jesus of the Week.

Jesus looks entirely too happy to see them. What do you think he’s saying to them, anyway? I bet it’s in a husky whisper, too.

Do you think it’s          nope, can’t do it. Strange: all I wanted to do was mildly twist a handful of the words from the Last Supper, but something in me won’t let me do it.

Maybe the Cartesian bet-hedger? My father always said he didn’t believe in God but that he, Dad, was agnostic, not athiest, and when you’d ask him why the apparent contradition, he’d happily tell you there was no point pissing off God and he, Dad, didn’t have any proof that He, God, didn’t exist, so why take the chance?

Quite sensible really, and I wonder how that’s been working out for him the past couple of years. Probably not that well: something tells me God likes those who bet to win.

Speaking of which, what are the odds they found the body of Jesus? And what I really wanna know is, have they found any suspects? I never trusted that Loki, myself.

And now, a few words from King Missile, the Los Angeles-based performance art phenomenon, on how cool Jesus was. How cool was Jesus?

Jesus Was Way Cool

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Lyrics over the jump

Jesus was way cool
Everybody liked Jesus
Everybody wanted to hang out with him
Anything he wanted to do, he did
He turned water into wine
And if he wanted to
He could have turned wheat into marijuana
Or sugar into cocaine
Or vitamin pills into amphetamines
He walked on the water
And swam on the land
He would tell these stories
And people would listen
He was really cool
If you were blind or lame
You just went to Jesus
And he would put his hands on you
And you would be healed
That’s so cool
He could’ve played guitar better than Hendrix
He could’ve told the future
He could’ve baked the most delicious cake in the world
He could’ve scored more goals than Wayne Gretzky
He could’ve danced better than Barishnikov
Jesus could have been funnier than any comedian you can think of
Jesus was way cool

He told people to eat his body and drink his blood
That’s so cool
Jesus was so cool
But then some people got jealous of how cool he was
So they killed him
But then he rose from the dead
He rose from the dead, danced around
Then went up to heaven
I mean, that’s so cool
Jesus was way cool

No wonder there are so many Christians

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21 thoughts on “switched on Jesus!

  1. Oh, it was one of those Eurotrash. Pascal, Descartes, who can tell them apart: they all have those funny goatees!

    I’m sure there’s a market out there somewhere for this. Perhaps Kentucky? The inscription apparently says “Honor thy father and mother”!!!

  2. Jesus is a switch!

    Well that sorts out the whole Old Testament/New Testament conumdrum; I always wondered how God in His aspects could be beating on people throughout the Old, but total maso throughout the New.

  3. Metro,

    I’d be happy to explain the Old/New Testament conundrum, which really is no conundrum at all.

    Throughout the Old Testament, God is foreshadowing what He’s going to do to save humanity from hell. From the first animal that ever died to cover Adam and Eve’s sin to killing the lamb so the angel of death would pass over (Passover) to amazingly specific prophecies about who Jesus would be, the Bible gets more and more specific about God’s plan as time goes on.

    The New Testament talks about what God did to save us from hell. We now live in a time when God is patiently waiting for everyone to repent. We’ve broken God’s law (the Ten Commandments) by lying, stealing, taking God’s name in vain, looking with lust, etc. The Old and New Testaments are clear that God’s wrath abides on us (John 3:36).

    In the New Testament, He killed Ananias and Saphira for lying (Acts 5), and He’s going to kill the rest of us for lying. It’s only a matter of when. We’re going to stand before Him on Judgment Day as lawbreakers, and just like any guilty criminal on Earth, God can’t just let us go free. Justice must be served. God’s place of punishment is hell, and it is a place of eternal torment, and it’s where every single one of us deserve to go.

    Justice will be served in my case, because even though I’m guilty, God will let me into heaven, because Jesus took my punishment for me. I’ve repented, and put my faith in Him, and I’ve received the free gift of forgiveness. God requires blood for the forgiveness of sins, and Jesus shed his blood for me. He was brutally tortured, and died, and then, rose from the dead, becuase the grave couldn’t hold him.

    So, the choice is yours. Will you take your punishment, or will Jesus take your punishment? But, you don’t have to believe me–read the Bible.

    Bill

  4. Thank you for your earnest reply.

    I’m a part-time partly-ex-catholic/50% atheist and 1/3 convert to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster myself though, so I have most of my bets covered.

  5. You guys have dirty little minds and I’m jealous. I didn’t think anything at all about the location of the little light switch. Pervs, all of you!

    (Then again, it took my third colon surgery to put two and two together and realize that my doctor’s last name was Stahl. Go figure).

  6. So Bill, I’m not exactly following you when you attempt to differentiate between the world before Switched On Jesus light plates and the world afterward. Are you claiming that those in between got a special bonus deal?

  7. Raincoaster,

    I agree that the light switch plate is silly. But, it’s time for you to get serious about where you’re going to spend eternity. No one is guaranteed another day.

    Metro,

    Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” God was kind enough to provide a way to heaven, when He certainly didn’t have to.

    I know I come here, and you guys will only mock me, but I do it becuase I’m so concerned about where you spend eternity. If you guys are headed to hell, I want you to do it only after I’ve pleaded with you to come to your senses.

    Bill

  8. Bill, I’m not sure where you’re getting my uncertainty about eternity from my coverage of Jesus-themed light plates.

    Where, exactly, are you getting the information that we are damned? Where are you getting the information that we think we are guaranteed another day?

    It seems to me that you must be projecting here; you haven’t got enough information about me specifically to decide whether or not I’m damned. Nor do I think that is the kind of distinction that God thinks is yours to make.

    “I don’t recognize you, therefore you will burn in Hell,” is not exactly living up to Jesus’ example of life on Earth, is it?

  9. God was also kind enough to invent a private torture chamber called hell. Who asked him for that? If he didn’t want the stink of sinners near him, why didn’t he just send them off to the unfashionable end of heaven, out in the ‘burbs?

    “If you guys are headed to hell, I want you to do it only after I’ve pleaded with you to come to your senses.”

    Plead on.

    If you’re so concerned about where I’ll spend eternity, why not set up a petition to abolish hell? It surely falls under the terms of “cruel and unusual punishment”. I mean, we’re talking about eternal (now-until-the-end-of-time) torment for sins that are trivial by comparison.

    And people will be there only because god decided to put them there. He knows all, and nothing can stand against his will. Therefore if there is a hell, it is filled with souls whose damnation he planned in every detail and participated in, either inactively by failing to exert the minimal effort of will to keep that person out of there, or actively by knowingly setting those souls on a lifepath that would end in damnation.

    Morally speaking that puts God on a level with Vlad the Impaler, so it seems to me.

    In fact, if souls are human, then I think a human rights tribunal is in in order, and maybe a Universal Truth and Reconcilliation commission.

    To paraphrase Lazarus Long: Man has never come up with a god who is actually morally superior to himself. Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child.

    As an ex-catholic I cringe that these thoughts can even cross my mind, but if god didn’t want me to think them, I couldn’t, right?

  10. Metro, Metro, Metro, allow Dr raincoaster to prescribe an antidote for your existential rage: The Screwtape Letters, Screwtape Proposes a Toast, and Paradise Lost.

    Take once after meals until dosage is complete, do not swim or operate heavy machinery under the influence, etc, etc.

  11. Already read the Letters. Interesting story, but not overly useful as argument toward belief. If one were a believer I suppose it might be helpful as a sort of moral guide.

    However, I’m reasonably sure that if god wants me, he knows where I live and my phone number.

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