Portrait of the Artist as a Middle-Aged Celebrity Blogger

And what are YOU looking at?

And what are YOU looking at?

Do you ever feel like this? I always feel like this. Realizations such as this are the circumstances which led to the invention of the expression “FML.”

Gossip linkies over the jump, just because I’m tired of seeing them all on the front page, plus I don’t want Our Overlords of Teh Googlewebz to get angry with me.

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James Bond supports International Women’s Day

 

Blond Bond done good

Blond Bond cleans up well

Yay, I finally found a reason to like Blond Bond. This little video is aweome.

Finally, some relief from the tsunami of tsheen this week.

Liveblogging morphine (raincoaster)

Charlie Sheen in the New Yorker (Lolebrity)

State of Grace (Ayyyy)

Mush! Mush! (ManoloFood)

Universal Studios > Cthulhu??? (AgentBedhead)

Jennifer Aniston’s video is viral the way herpes is (BusyBeeBlogger)

Job opportunity of the year for a gossip blogger (CelebDirtyLaundry)

RIP OD (CelebritySmack)

REM RT (CelebrityVIPLounge)

WINNING! photoshops (CityRag)

SO FAR, Demi. So far… (DailyStab)

Adele is pro-gossip (DippedInCream)

Everybody but me has a book deal and a sex tape (EarSucker)

Three planets that size make a solar plexus system (FitFabCeleb)

Remember Lily Allen? (GirlsTalkinSmack)

One gets Africa, one gets New York? (HaveUHeard)

Aw man, don’t bling that thing! (HollywoodHiccups)

They have country music in Belgium? (INeedMyFix)

Roseanne Barr and Charlie Sheen? (MathewGuiver)

KFed/FedX Xpands (PoorBritney)

“Country Music’s newest star” (PopBytes)

TURBAN SIGHTING!!! (TheSkinny)

Bikini baby bump (TheSkinnyChic)

 

Liveblogging Morphine

Cover of "Midnight Phantom"

Cover of Midnight Phantom

I wrote this when I was in the hospital with my first gallbladder attack. I was there five days, and in my memory I wrote this over the course of many, many days and recorded many, many different experiences.

I did nothing of the kind.

What I did was, write it on morphine. Holy crap, how Coleridge ever puked up Kublai Khan while on this stuff is entirely beyond me. Prolixity is not a quality it confers, lemme tell ya. But in the vague hope that you’ll find it amusing, I will copypaste it here for your enjoyment (?).

Demerol better bring its A Game

Demerol better bring its A Game

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The Pirate Party, me Hearties!

And you should have seen the Swedish Pirate After-Party!

And you should have seen the Swedish Pirate After-Party!

Party on, dudes!

Also: I just thought we needed something other than a video for once on this page. Also also, I’m freaking pissed at YouTube. A video I posted to Gawker.tv yesterday and was working fine today at 11am was “Embedding disabled” by 4pm today. Motherfuckers. In the words of the immortal Jack Burton, sonofabitch must pay. At which point I am tempted to insert a video, but will resist.