What's next? First I'm quoted in the Daily Mirror (the MIRROR, ffs y'all; I don't even live in the UK!) so far out of context my snippet needs its own passport.*

Now, Tina Brown, Tina Fucking Brown, files a report about witnessing first-hand the lesbian crack orgies of a strung-out former gospel singer. Tina also spends a great deal of time running around the house picking up the skanktastic used sex toys of the so-called "power dyke." I guess when you got OCD you got OCD, eh? Word to the wise: Wellbutrin.

Paying Tina Brown a reported $200,000 was well worth every penny!

Tina Brown says that it's common knowledge…that Whitney has affairs with women.

[The strung-out former gospel star's] appetite to pleasure her pussy is so powerful that she has a massive collection of sex toys…

"They are all around the damn house," says Tina. "I'm constantly having to get them up. I don't want the kids to find them."

No indeed! What would happen to little George Frederick's future and peace of mind, should he stumble upon a lube-encrusted, vrroooooooming Purple Pussy Popper?

Si, where are you when she needs you? O, how the mighty have fallen. I bet she's sorry she ever left Vanity Fair.

*The quote actually read:

The truth of this matter is incredibly sordid. If it gets out, it'll end Boris's career.

She's his ghostwriter.

It's a joke, see? You get that, right? If not:

please kind sir I am Ingve Goldslager from Nigeria a humble man and godfearing need your help. Your name was given me by Oooooonaaaaarrgh Glass as an honorable and upright person…

I am still gonna put it on my resume, though. If you think I'm proud, you haven't read any bathroom-themed entries here. If you have, I'll bet you're glad I moved on to the Giant Squid fixation, eh?