Well by now we might all be getting tired of the barbeque. It’s been a long, hot summer and it is a fact universally acknowledged that a young person possessed of some nice, red steaks and a barbeque must be in want of a pitcher of Sangria and some friends bringing salad.

I wish I knew more people like that; I’m gifted with salads.

In any case, there comes a point in any activity, even barbequeing delicious foodstuffs, where boredom sets in. People start playing with the controls. Reversing the polarity. Putting sparklers in the coals. Anything to make it different. That heat-up period’s somehow not the anticipation-filled pause that it was back in June; it’s become the unendurably tedious waiting period before you can actually cook some goddam food, goddammit, the very reason we invented indoor stoves in the first place.

We present the following leisuretime activity, highly recommended for fending off bbq boredom, if also highly recommended for pissing off the person who has to clean up after you.

via BlogBling, ladies and gentlemen, CHEESE RACING!

WARNING!! Cheese racing can be dangerous – the makers of this website CAN NOT be held responsible for any accidents or injuries that may occur. Practice safe cheese racing by following these simple guide lines.

• Do NOT attempt ‘indoor cheese racing’. This is strictly an outdoor sport. (This includes tents!)
• Be sure to ingest large quantities of alcohol and/or other chemical relaxant before (and during) play. This will relax the body and nervous system, thus minimising the pain of any injury and enabling you to play on.

Having said that, the sport does have an impressive safety record with zero fatalities so far…

Q: What do you think happens when you throw a slice of processed cheese (without removing the plastic wrapping) onto a lit barbeque?

The plastic melts giving off highly toxic fumes and you are left with a pretty grim cheese/plastic mess welded on to your BBQ, right?

WRONG!

Unbelievably what actually happens, as discovered by the pioneers and inventors of the sport way back in 1997 (read their account of that historic night on a campsite in Osmington here), is that the plastic pouch does not melt – even when the cheese inside eventually boils! Even more incredibly, as the cheese melts and the strange chemicals found in processed cheese turn to gas – the plastic pouch inflates until eventually all four corners lift off the BBQ and the pouch is fully inflated! Now under this pressure you might think that the pouch would eventually burst – but no – most of the time the seal remains intact!

Quite why processed cheese manufacturers choose to use such industrial strength, heat proof plastic to encase their products is something of a mystery – as is why NASA don’t use this material instead of those expensive heat proof tiles on the space shuttle? Such important questions no doubt occurred to the first observers of this phenomenon on that night in Osmington, but that didn’t stop them from coming up with a brilliantly simple sport based on it.

The official CRASS rules of cheese racing

---

• All players must place their cheese on the BBQ at the same time.

• Cheeses must not overlap.

• After the initial throwing of the cheese onto the barbecue (the “cast”), one poke of the slice (the “poke”) is permitted in cases of accidental overlap when the offending cheeses must be repositioned as quickly as possible. No further touching of the cheese is permitted. 

• No blowing/fanning the flames under your cheese.

• The winning cheese is defined as the one whose reaches a fully inflated stage first. Fully inflated means that all four corners have raised off the BBQ and the plastic is taut (distinctive “stretch” marks which appear on the sides of the parcel). This state must maintainable (i.e. it does not count if the bag is pulsing up and down due to springing a leak).

• Note that springing a leak does not automatically mean you have lost – it is possible for the hole to become sealed with melted cheese and the bag to fully inflate anyway – such is the excitement of cheese racing – it’s not over till it’s over!

• In the event of a draw. The tied cheese owners will race again.

• Deliberate breaking of any of these rules will result in your cheese being disqualified and removed from the BBQ.

Okay, so when I use the “Singles” tag here I’m just being a smartass. Sue me.