Britney gets it right

Britney is fat 

Finally. After years of muddling around, pooping out gold records and platinum extensions, dropping babies and husbands in record time, Britney Spears finally has an epiphany.

I’m a fake!”

Yes, dear.

A source told Britain’s News of the World newspaper: “She was crying and shouting, ‘I am the Antichrist!’ Then she started screaming, ‘I’m a fake!’

Of course, that source also told them that the staff at the rehab center was totally freaked out by the incident and suicide attempt, which I am absolutely 100% certain never, ever happens in a rehab, so naturally they were a bit befuddled.

Britney Spears as a kidIn that very six-degrees way, I am connected to Britney. I know a guy whose (cousin? brother-in-law? sumpin’) had the job of driving her around town while she was here filming Crossroads. He said she was a just sweet, dumb Southern girl looking for a fun time who just happened to have millions of dollars and millions of fans. She’d hop in the van at the end of the day and ask, “So where do you want to go for dinner? Can we pick up your friends?” and they would, all twelve or fifteen of them, and Britney would always pay the tab. So all the nasty things one might say have to be mitigated by the fact that she really is just a decent kid at heart.

That said…

a new view!She’s not the world’s greatest actress, but you certainly can’t tell it from the press she’s been getting lately; they’ve swallowed her ridiculous script whole. This is not how people who are going insane actually act; this is how people who are acting insane but whose agent hasn’t been able to get them good material act.

Then again, perhaps it’s her PR who is the Oscar-worthy one, as she’s managed to convince the entire world that Britney has rented an entire wing at Promises when Promises, in fact, does not have any wings at all, not even vestigal ones. She should get at least a Saggie for getting them to swallow the whole “I am the Antichrist!” and suicide attempt, IMHO (btw, I’m so used to Web 2.0 nomenclature I originally spelled that “AntiChrist“; is the Antichrist Web 2.0? I think he’s more machine language, myself, but must look that up in Revelations).

But I love this:

“Justin was distressed to learn about the state Britney was in. Lynne was touched by the gesture but begged him not to go. He promised to hook up with her at a later date.

(c) BANG Media International.

I’ll bet he did, BANG Media. I’ll just bet he did.

But probably not till she’s lost thirty pounds or so.

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20 thoughts on “Britney gets it right

  1. Timberlake is so hot….oh fiddlesticks, this is about the Brit, isn’t it?

    Well, these antics are surely not going to help her secure custody of her children. I do think she’s gone plum crazy though.

    All the glue from the hair extensions. My mother was right – ditch the idea!

  2. Her nose has always bothered me. I’m not sure why, except it just looks chubby.

    (I have been awake since 5:30 a.m. and thus am not presently capable of generating anything witty at this point)

  3. Oh, Defrost, and I bet you’d turn around and say it looked done were she to get it fixed!

  4. How can people be so heartless? It seems like they just love to kick a person when they are down or when they are going through a life threatening crisis. I feel for this woman. She is desperately crying out for help. But some people are making jokes about her just like they did with Anna Nicole Smith and her public meltdown. As the saying goes – just walk a mile in her shoes. I just hope that Britney gets the help that she needs so that she can straighten out her life and that she doesn’t wind up six feet under just like Anna Nicole Smith. Not only for her sake but for her little girl’s. It seems that when young people hit the big time early in life they can never be sure if the ones that are hanging around are there just to get a piece of them or that they are really friends. The pressure on this woman must be unbearable. She is hounded day and night by predators that just want to get a piece of her for their own selfish reasons. For her own good she should stay away from that other train wreck Paris Hilton. I just hope that she gets the help that she needs before she winds up six feet under. My heart bleeds for this girl.

  5. Listen to me: she is faking it. Real people do not really go insane this way. She. Is. Faking. It.

    The stories you read in News of the World are lies. There are no wings at Promises, there was no suicide attempt, she does not think she’s the Antichrist.

    This is a publicity stunt.

    Reliable reports from Promises say that she’s reading A Million Little Pieces, shopping online, emailing friends, and tanning. She’s not actually running around tattooing her forehead with the Number of the Beast.

    But we all choose our own mythologies. If it serves fandom to believe Britney is in crisis, they will believe it.

  6. “She is hounded day and night by predators that just want to get a piece of her for their own selfish reasons. “

    No. She is followed by the people she prostituted herself to. It’s called celebrity, and it’s a deal with the devil. Britney has prominently and publicly whored herself to the Hollywood press for years. For her own selfish reasons.

    The trouble is, it’s like heroin. Celebrity requires more and more of itself to get off. One way to make sure there’s always more of you on the screen is to stage a series of well-(or poorly)-managed “crises” and reap the steep gain in noteriety that accompanies it.

    I think she’s managing it quite well: At this stage in her career of publicity-seeking, Britney’s on track for a spin-dry Christian rebirth, round of the talk-shows and an album of hymns in a couple of years. Then she’ll make appearances as a gracefully-aging pop star that the generation that grew up wanting to screw her can show their kids.

    So don’t fret Angel Elf. She’ll soon be back to sell herself to you.

    Of course, there is another way to maintain celebrity: it’s called “talent”. I mention it here for academic purposes only.

  7. The paparazzi aren’t the ones who leaked this story: it was Britney’s PR. “We’ll kick them when it’s good press and they’ll like it. They’re paying the bills”.

  8. Compared to the old Britney she looks rounder…otherwise, she’s fine! Even compared to American standards…I mean, what’s the average size these days for us? 12? 14?

  9. I think she’d take it. I told Defamer that within six months she’ll be asking the warden for a day pass so she can go make a walk-on appearance on The Chris Crocker Show.

  10. Oh please, walk a mile in her shoes?? Yeah right! She made choices that caused her life to be this way today. She chose to get with stupid Kevin Federline. She chose to get married to him and have two children immediately. She made those choices– noone else and she is the one who needs to live with them. She should know that being in the media limelight, and having a life like hers, this is what happens. I think Britney needs to grow up and take responsibility for her actions instead of sulking and playing charades.

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