Political Mistress Poetry

and quite frankly, given the looks of some of them, this is probably as romantic as their textual tributes are every going to get. Why is it that most contemporary political mistresses look so much like giraffes in schoolmarm wigs? Lewinsky may have been chubby, but at least she had fabulous hair.

Christine Keeler

Stolen from Wibbler‘s post on the Boris forum, and quite surprised I was to see it there. It’s originally from Fork in my Eye, which sounds almost as painful as having an affair with a politician.

Political Love Song

I’ll be the Petronella Wyatt
To your Boris Johnson

The shy undergraduate
From Portillo’s youth
More than a footnote
In your memoirs
A flattering testimony
When the papers hear the truth

I’m a diligent under-secretery
Ambitious, sharp and keen
We’ll out-scandalise Profumo
Make Back to Basics Squeaky Clean…

It only gets squidgier from there. Read on at your peril…or your lunch’s.

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18 thoughts on “Political Mistress Poetry

  1. Much prefer the poetry of Python. They’ve written a political bio of Cromwell, praised Spam, and they even have a paen to Paris Hilton .

  2. Paris Hilton? I disbelieve. And besides, what have they written about political mistresses? And do you get the irony of finding this posted by the head of Boriswatch on Boris Johnson’s own forum, and applauded by Boris’s PA?

  3. Eurgh. “Priceless” eh? That’s one word for it. I’d give a great deal to know what Boris thinks of it…what do you say? Is it Petronella in disguise?

  4. I got the irony, if irony it can be said to be. It was about as ironic as a pie in the face.

    And the Paris Hilton reference bombed because this damn paranoid WordPress gadget your computer is limping along on didn’t post the second part, namely the bit with the link. Here’s that link again:


    Paris Hilton

  5. And again it turns me into spam. You think Blogger sucks? I hate Blogger comments–they won’t even recognize the account they forced me to generate. It blows dead bears, okay.

    But it beats the WordPress vanishing machine.

  6. Yes, Akismet is sucking donkeys lately, but it’s still better than the horrible Blogger sometimes-you-can-comment-sometimes-you-can’t system. Besides, you have a higher word count on this site than I do; no wonder they think you’re a spammer!

  7. Indeed. Or even those ones around Major’s time (Major excepted, I mean, if you were the PM of the UK, don’t you think you could have done better than Edwina Currie FFS?). What about that guy who was found dead on his kitchen table, wearing nothing but Crisco, fishnets and a garter belt, and in flagrante with an orange and his vacuum cleaner? He was the head of their Morality crusade. Now THAT was a scandal for the ages.

  8. W-H-A-T!!! What’s all this about the head of the morality crusade? Do you have a link? Was I at school? In flagrante with an orange? AND his vacuum cleaner? How? Oh God I’m so niave – what’s crisco??

    No I don’t think he could have done better than Edwina – he was John Major… oh hang on yes he could, his wife! A break from the norm… per-lease.

    You didn’t think my ode to PH just divine? I did. I must pen another slavering immediately pointing out the moistness of my panties in response to Peter. Oh stuff Peter here’s one for his erudite sibling:

    Neocons wore red and Tories wear blue,
    I wouldn’t mind studying erotology with you.

    Hmn, needs work..
    (I really do miss my blog ya know, does it show? bored bored bored)

  9. Believe me, with that face and body you could do a lot better than either Hitchens brother. Why not see if you could knock Camilla off? Isn’t it time for the seven year itch there? (ugly bugger, but LOADED!)

  10. I’m in favour of the monarchy but there are limits!

    BTW: thanks for the compliment – I wondered why little bro ran away, do you think it was the dress? Or perhaps he couldn’t handle what was in it?? I’ve never actually made a man run away screaming before, it’s a new experience.

    PS: Boz didn’t run.

  11. So, just a random coincidence here…but I’ve known Shiny McShine since I was a babby. A close personal friend. I saw the poem and thought about sending it to him because it sounded like his kind of jam…then I read about the fork in the eye…and all made sense.
    Just a brief aside…about the smallness of the world we live in.

  12. In recovery from the poetry or the Hitchens? As I understand it, Peter Hitchens is a neurasthenic, fear-ridden control freak who can’t really handle ANYTHING, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

    When you say BoJo didn’t run, do you mean we need to add another chapter to the highly entertaining chronicles of Petsy, Anna, etc? (also, is it true his current wife stole him away from his previous one? The time lag between weddings seems far too long for that to be the case).

    And Alabaster: It is indeed a veddy small world. But you could send it anyway, saying you found it on a Canadian website.

  13. You know, if the man were single I’d take a shot; I love the intellectuals in suits. And the blond doesn’t hurt either. But married is a big no for me; my life has enough drama.

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