Monthly Archives: January 2008

Kumari Fulbright Schadenfreude Special: Beauty Queen Goes Bad

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Ah, how the world loves a Beauty Queen. From the blister-inducing stripper heels in the swimsuit competition (guess they’ll be swimming with sharks) to the painful nailing of the tiara to the skull at the coronation, to the ozone-depleting layers of hairspray that make the triumphant ride in the convertible possible, truly il fait suffrir pour etre belle.

Or even, it appears, laide.

One man who suffered because his beauty queen was not laid was this poor, anonymous Arizona man, who dumped the handsome-looking Miss Kumari Fulbright, law student, model, Miss Pima County in 2005, Miss Desert Sun in 2006, and repeat Miss Arizona (and boyfriend) loser.

Bad move.

Kumari Fulbright, Miss Automatic Weapons 2007?

As you might have gathered from the above image of the doubtless-to-be-portrayed-by-Hilary Swank Miss Fulbright, she is no stranger to the handling of more weaponry than a law student/beauty queen/model could normally claim to require under standard operating procedure.

But she’s always been anything but standard, of course. So, naturally, when she found herself holed up alone in the Heartbreak Hotel, Dumpsville, she contacted three thugs of her acquaintance and persuaded them, presumably for a fee or services rendered, to assist her in the kidnapping and torturing of her now ex-beloved.

Court documents said the foursome tied the man up with plastic cable ties and duct tape, holding him at two Tucson homes, during which time they pointed handguns at him, threatened his life, stole his cell phone, briefcase and wallet, taking between $500 and $600.

The newspaper also said the documents accused Fulbright of biting him several times, sticking a butcher knife in his ear, saying she was going to kill him and pointing a pistol at him.The Star said after eight to 10 hours, the victim grabbed Fulbright’s gun, which went off, and he fled the house screaming for help.

Ah, but as with so many love stories, the best is yet to come. Yes, beauty queens give us many gifts. The gift of beauty, the gift of talent, the gift of youth, the gift of hope, but most of all…

the gift of Schadenfreude.

Click over the jump to view the truly satisfying end to a real-life Bruce Springsteen ballad gone bad…

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today in “People Who Are Better Than You” news…

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Seriously, seriously, I thought I was doing well. I mean, not great. Not epic. But, well, well.

Well, enough.

I got two paying blogging gigs. I get enough blogging students to get by. The immoveable object in my living room appears to be moving towards movement, or making a move towards moving towards movement, which is what at least a nanophysicist would call progress, of a sort and if only relative.

And he’s not even a relative.

But there are always those, according to various Desiderati, who do it better.

Better. Stronger. Faster.

And now, it appears, there are even those who do it for a larger and more loyal audience despite being dead six months.

Writer/artist Theresa Duncan, subject of a January Vanity Fair cover story (among plenty of other coverage), is updating her blog from beyond the grave. Cries for help: now available months after they’d be useful. Duncan—whose intentional overdose on pills last July led to the suicide of her partner Jeremy Blake a week later—had become, according to acquaintances and friends interviewed by Vanity Fair, increasingly erratic, paranoid, haggard, hard-drinking, and depressed in her last year or two. She was convinced that Scientologists were harassing her and Blake, trying to sabotage her stalling career (movie and TV projects that never got off the ground, including one that was supposed to star erstwhile friend of the couple and famed Scientologist musician Beck) and his ascending one (a scheduled retrospective of Blake’s work at Washington DC’s Corcoran Gallery ended up going on posthumously). So: what does a dead woman blog about? Dick Cavett, Sherlock Holmes, and T.S. Eliot.

So, pretty much no change there, if she were a book-blogging Typepad type, of which she was only 50%. Come to think of it, this isn’t the first time we at the ol’ raincoaster blog have been out-blogged by a dead woman, although the circumstances of the last time were quite different.
The last post that appeared when Theresa Duncan was alive posted on my birthday. Aw, thankies! Since then, she’d set two autoposts: a spooky, Basil Rathbone one for two days before Halloween, and one for New Year’s Eve. Perhaps she’d miscalculated the date of All Saint’s Eve, or maybe her calendar simply had a faulty October? Or maybe there’s a deeper meaning (there always is, with conspiracy theorists).

October 29th is Saint Narcissus’s Day.

Theresa Duncan and Jeremy Blake

New Year’s Day

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Happy New Year, all. But U2 says it much better than me, so listen to them. Recorded live in Chicago, 2005.

New Year’s Day

All is quiet on New Year’s Day.
A world in white gets underway.
I want to be with you, be with you night and day.
Nothing changes on New Year’s Day.
On New Year’s Day.

I… will be with you again.
I… will be with you again.

Under a blood-red sky
A crowd has gathered in black and white
Arms entwined, the chosen few
The newspaper says, says
Say it’s true, it’s true…
And we can break through
Though torn in two
We can be one.

I… I will begin again
I… I will begin again.

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, maybe the time is right.
Oh, maybe tonight.
I will be with you again.
I will be with you again.

And so we are told this is the golden age
And gold is the reason for the wars we wage
Though I want to be with you
Be with you night and day
Nothing changes
On New Year’s Day
On New Year’s Day
On New Year’s Day

Happy New Year, DB Cooper!

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DB Cooper

It’s nice to be wanted.

At this time of the year, singletons particularly are prone to feeling a little self-pity. Indeed, wallowing in loneliness and eggnog hangovers, thousands sit in their darkened apartments, watching Sleepless in Seattle and sobbing themselves to sleep at night.

No more will DB Cooper be among them.

No, unlike Osama bin Laden, the mysterious hijacker known as DB Cooper is now officially a wanted man.

The FBI is resurrecting the mysterious case of D.B. Cooper, who 36 years ago hijacked a plane and parachuted near Portland with $200,000 in stolen loot…

The hijacker who identified himself as Cooper was never seen again. Some of the money was recovered in a mountain area.

Anyone with information on the unsolved mystery may contact the FBI at fbise@leo.gov.