Don’t get me wrong.
I hate tattoos.
They say, “I never went to art school, but at least I can have the Chinese symbol for “chiaroscuro” on my ass cheek.”
They say, “Why yes, I am worried about becoming my parents.”
They say, “I may be a middle-aged middle manager, but in my cosplay dreams, I’m an ass-kickin’ Goth Faerie.”
But…if there’s one thing I hate more than bourgeois nostalgie de la boue trends, it’s bourgeois blandness and conformity.
Confusion arises, of course, because, for the past fifteen years, getting a tattoo has been a type of bourgeois conformity.
I well remember one of the last training meetings I attended, back a decade ago when still I worked at Starbucks. These always start with some self-consciously cheesy icebreaker question: in this case, “Show us your tattoos.” I was the only person there without one, including the trainer.
Now, whatever beefs you may have with the corporation (and people do have beefs with them; many valid, quite a boring number simply reflexive and chauvinistic, and Hi Metro!) it was at the time relatively enlightened. The dress code was a little heavy on the preppy, it is true, but they’d recently rescinded the “No Visible Tattoos” rule under what I can only guess was heavy pressure from HR who said, not without solid justification, that there were hardly any qualified, capable barista candidates at the time who didn’t have ink.
And there was much rejoicing.
People I’d been working alongside for years suddenly showed up to work in short sleeved shirts, displaying quite an impressive array of Maori or Haida designs up, down, and around the arms.
I am reminded at this point of the “no unnatural hair colours” rule and the mess that Dan Fazio made of his very, very black, Italian hair the night he got drunk and tried to become Billy Idol. I got to eyeball the result when worked with him the next morning, and it was magnificent. Instead of combing the bleach through his hair, he had instead grabbed clumps and, apparently, rubbed the peroxide down to the roots. The overall effect was something between leopard and ocelot, on a backdrop of black, starkly outlined with brown at the edges of each golden splotch. Quite spectacular, actually.
Natural colours, all.
It was just Dan’s bad luck that this was the day the VP for Canada happened to be doing the rounds of stores. Roly Morris is not a man to mess with. And he’s not a man to walk-up-to-the-line-and-dip-a-toe-over-while-you-giggle with, either, particularly when you’re spectacularly hung over. While Dan made drinks at the bar, I watched Roly move slowly up the line, eyes narrowing with each step. When he got up to the till he spoke, and until that time I’d never seen someone speak without moving any part of his face, nor had I known that humans had the power to lower the ambient temperature several measurable degrees Celsius simply by greeting one another.
“Good.
Morning.
Dan,”
he said.
Dan stared back, eyes wide and body frozen, like a leopard-spotted bunny facing a king cobra. “Uh. Morning, Roly?”
“It’s.
A.
Nice.
Day.
Isn’t.
It.
Dan?”
“Uh, yeah. I made your drink!” said Dan, handing over the latte with extremely un-Dan-like unctuousness. Dan, you see, was very cool. Dan and his band went on tour with the Scorpions and got kicked out of Germany for being “too metal.” But Dan knew that here he was up against something much more formidable than a bunch of Eurogroupies and some elderly headbangers.
“I’ll.
See.
You.
Around.
Won’t.
I.
Dan?”
And, indeed, he did. 12 hours later Dan’s hair was restored to its original blackness, if somewhat more crispy, 18 hours later Roly’s assistant phoned the store to check on the hair situation, and a memo was composed and disseminated stating that, not only did hair have to be natural in colour, but also in colour distribution.
My advice to Dan that he claim Big Cat heritage went unacted upon, alas.
Tattoos. We were talking about tattoos. It’s a blog post about tattoos.
Strangely, while I’ve been writing this post, the Starbucks Canada official website went down. I don’t know my own strength!
So, Starbucks had, then tossed, a no-visible-tats rule. When it did so, many a tat saw sunlight for the first time in years (at least on the clock). Many, many more virgin-hided baristas rushed out to proclaim their love for unicorns, vaguely Celtic knotwork, or Black Flag with some fresh ink.
Several months later, about the time they committed to replaced the existing La Marzocco machines (I don’t care what they say, they’re not as good as Cimbali) with those inferior robotic things that did everything but add the sprinkles on top (to standardize the beverage experience, and hoo, boy, did they ever, standardized the hell out of it, lower) and so much for my beloved 16-second shots, they rescinded the freedom they had bestowed.
Problem: ink everywhere.
Ink on necks, ink on hands, ink on ears, ink on legs. Even ink on faces. So, what does a shift supervisor or manager of some standing but some ink now do, when the company again bans visible tattoos? Retire on that cushy pension? Segue into a job at a Harley dealership? Sue? Strike?
In any case, this post over on Valleywag got me wondering: now that ink is so pervasive, are tattoos the canary in the mineshaft? Is a ban on tats the first sign of the End Times? After all, if you can’t control the flow of blood from the gaping wound in the jugular, you can always turn your attention to, and try to control, the capillaries, no?
Who else bans visible tats?
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raincoaster 
i like tattoos, and i plan to get one. it’ll be at a discreet place though so i can cover it up if the occasion calls for it, or uncover as otherwise. when you see mine, i think even you’ll admit it’s tasteful and meaningful! ;)
No, I won’t. I’ll think you’re a fashion victim ten years too late for the trend. And for fuck’s sake, NO UNICORNS!!!
stupid, of course i’m not going to do a unicorn! it won’t be anything floral or animal, so there!
It will still scream “I wanted to be a Nineties Hipster SOOO BAD!”
no it will not! the tattoo is a testament of my love to the said thing and how it has made an impact in my life!
Yeah, that’s what Johnny Depp said when he got “Winona Forever” on his arm. Just before they broke up.
Have you thought about body paint? Have you thought about testifying to your love of the thing by living it every day in your words and deeds instead of paying some ex-con to inject you with indelible dyes?
it’s a thing, not a name. and whoever said i don’t testify my love of it in my words and deeds? i see tattooing as an extension of my love to it. and i’m 100% confident without a shadow of a doubt that i will not regret having a tattoo of that thing.
different people have different ways of expressing themselves and their passion; tattoos is one of them.
Yes, a formerly-trendy one popularized by sailors.
At least they have a practical use: identifying the bodies after they’ve been found. “Oh, she’s the one with the “Tupac 4-eva” on her left bicep?”
Rain, I loved this post. I’ve written about tattoos quite a bit, as my daughter has all the makings of a serial tattooee. I’m going to sound really old here, but I think that one of my main concerns is just what you’ve said here. By doing something non-conformist, she’s being just as much a conformist as the gazillions of other people who are doing it.
That being said, she got a completely original tattoo in a fairly concealed place (her shoulder blade) and it has symbolic meaning for her. Unless she becomes a stripper at a place that bans tattoos, I think she’s okay in the workplace.
A lot of tats are beautiful and original. But there are so many that are the ink version of a LaCoste alligator or a GAP logo– rubber stamp designs that in no way indicate individuality. Those are the ironic ones– the ones that say, “Hey– see my uniqueness? I got design #27 at Tim’s Tattoos and Burgers.”
“Hi Metro”?
Huh? I have no particular grudge against Starbucks. How’d that idea get into your gin-and-caffeine-sodden little mind?
I simply have a preference for coffee that doesn’t cost you more than a full-body tattoo. Tim Horton’s forever! Hey, maybe I should get a double-double tattoo?
Aw, but then I wouldn’t be able to show off my uniqueness by blogging about how I have no tattoos …
Shoulder blade tats go so well with strapless evening gowns. A lot of designs are beautiful and original; what’s strange is that people believe them to be more beautiful and original than they, themselves, unique in all the world.
Metro, it doesn’t surprise me that you’re both inked and defensive. I’ve endured many an overcaffeinated, robusta-fueled rant from you. Are you aware that, now that the H-man is back, Starbucks has lowered the price of a short coffee to a dollar? No, you’re not. Because you’re a brand snob. “Tim Horton’s forever!”
Actually, it sounds to me as though you’re the defensive one.
What’s a “short” when it’s at home? All I ever see is “Tall” and the two sizes they decided had to be named in Italian.
Oh–and what’s “robusta”? ‘Cos you know I’ve more-or-less quit smoking.
I have no particular beef with Starbucks, and I’ll drink pretty much whatever’s going, coffee-wise, though I have an admitted preference for Timmy’s. How does that make me a snob?
I liked your comment above about tats and uniqueness, but I have no ink, myself. Surely you knew that?
A short is the smallest size, which is not listed on the menu because they want you to order a Tall or larger, duh. Robusta is a cheaper breed of coffee than Arabica, which has a much higher caffeine content and gives you nasty feelings in your tummy, like looking at a picture of a naked Margaret Thatcher.
You are inkless? Are you SURE you were in the Canadian Armed Forces? I suspect you’ve got a few tats, it’s just that you were in a blackout at the time and you can’t see back there without a mirror.
And you more or less admitted the snobbery last year when you said you didn’t care about the quality of the coffee, you loved Timmy’s BECAUSE it wasn’t Starbucks. They’re both American now.
I must get to work on that cup management post, before the knowledge is lost as the last of the Jedi Baristas dies out.
I’m really rather peeved nobody from *$ has replied here. Don’t they know I get 3000 hits a day, dammit?
extra foods bans visible tattoos. there’s a lovely young woman with a gorgeious tattoo on her left neck area that has to wear a cover on it. it always looks like she had a growth removed. i think she’s quit being tired of having her neck waxed from bandage adhesive.
Yipes, I bet! I’d have thought Extra Foods would be cool with it; I know their competition, Jimmy Pattison’s corporations, are NOT.
The smartest example of getting around such a rule I ever saw was this girl at Starbucks who had a strawberry blonde ponytail. I worked with her for days before I saw her with her hair out of the pony tail: and most of it was sky blue! She just had the hair around the edges natural and the rest blue, so you couldn’t tell when she scraped it all back.
And as if large bandages look more attractive on food service staff than tattoos!
Well some otaku apparently think so.
Okay, let me try that without the embedded link, maybe that’ll work:
As I said, some otaku think so:
http://www.weirdasianews.com/2007/11/23/kegadoru-injured-idol-fetish/
@RC: It’s deleting posts with links again. Re. your last: try googling “kegadoru”. Some people think bandages are hawt.
You may want to keep that in mind as the ice and slush gives way to rollerblading weather.
Some people do think so, but you wouldn’t want to buy your hamburger from one. I’m just sayin!
Maybe sulz ought to find some ladies who are twice her age and look at their tats. This summer I got an eye full of stretched tats on my friends who have gained both weight and years. The little tats on breasts and butts that looked so cool 20 years ago don’t look that great now.
maybe sulz does not plan to have a tattoo at her breast or butt.
not that it matters, because whether it’ll be a thing of regret or pride, it is still mine to carry.
Look, trust me girlfriend, even your KNEECAPS sag with time. I have a friend who gained weight and had to have her wedding ring resized: the human body is very changeable over time.
My friend’s terrier had his registration number tattooed on his belly, and when he went in for surgery the doctor decided to remove some of his fat. Now the tat is so small you can’t read it!
Couldn’t they just change the font size?
I don’t think Cairn Terriers are upgradeable. They aren’t supported anymore.
I know I’m late to the party, but I just linked here from the Manolo’s celebrity site… listen, I’m a lawyer, and I had a bunch of friends in law school with tattoos. File that one under “You know a trend has jumped the shark when…”
And just to back up the point about the strapless evening gown (or, as some of my favorite people once said, gownless evening strap), I recently got married, and EVERY bridal shop I visited (lots, let me tell you – I was not about to be rushed into committing to a gown) had tattoo covering kits. So let me get this straight… you get something that you think expresses yourself permanently engraved on your body, but then on the most important day of your life (presumably), the one that will live on in pictures, on video, and potentially on an episode of “Cops” (I mean, I don’t know your family), you feel the need to cover it? What does THAT say? And don’t give me the “Aunt Rita doesn’t approve” excuse.
Yep, the thing is, you’re usually relatively sober when you dress for your wedding. The same is not traditionally true of when you get a tattoo.
i have three tattoos and i got all of them sober, further more, the human body is very changeable, you’re right, but you can make positive changes too, and what the fuck does getting a tattoo have to do with conforming or non-conformity? i didn’t realize the only reason people got tattoos was because they were drunk and wanted to stick out from the crowd, so other than everything you said about tattoos you’re blog was really illuminating
And other than the narcissistic ramble, your comment was really interesting.
Here, have a period: . Although the evidence suggests you’re having one now.
Wow, Mr. Rainman, you’re kinda mean. Even though you don’t like tattoos, maybe you shouldn’t be so aggressive in your opinions. Usually you offend people when you claim they’re unintelligent.
A part of being a beautiful person is your personality. That ALSO makes you unique. From a religious stand point, mine SRONGLY advises against tattoos, but, that doesn’t change the fact that people are people, and expressing themselves doesn’t make them ugly.
I agree, alot of tattoos are not very attractive, but some are. You just need to be more open minded to other peoples cultures and backrounds. Not everyone is going to be like you, if they were, wouldn’t that also be comforming?
No, it would not be. Because “comforming” is not a word.
Doesn’t my unique personality make me a beautiful person too, or is that only unique personalities that you approve of? Isn’t that exclusionary and snobbish? If I believe in aggression, shouldn’t you be more openminded to my cultures and backgrounds? Not everyone is going to be like you.
Are you insisting I conform?
Butthurt blogger is butthurt.
Also, grammar Nazi.
Like bouffants and beehives, tattoos will one day be the mark of the elderly, and all the kids will say “Can you believe Grandma ever thought that was cool?!”
Exactly.