Palin Poetry: The Palinleaks Haikus

New Shakespalin

New Shakespalin

Many and varied are the treasures of the internet, and the greatest of these may be HaikuFinder. After spending far too much time trying to download and run the damn thing (okay, i got the program…and now I need to install Python? And then I need to hack a workaround into Vista, which won’t run Python? And then I need to disable my virus protection so it can run? and whatever, dudes) I find out there’s a website. Paste in the words aye wallah! Your Haiku: dey are fownd.

So, presumably the Python script etcetera exist so you can Haiku-ify top secret documents without the off-chance that Wikileaks will find your sooper-sekrit poetry stash? Okay then!

In related news, it’s obvious to the most casual observer of the Contemporary Poetry Scene that we are not the first to take a stab at finding the poetry in Palinisms: There was Slate’s fictional Palintry roundup, The Utne Reader’s architectonic analysis of an interview, Prospect Magazine (yes, even in the UK, which reminds me, did you see Mike Tyson at the Oxford Union? Oscar Wilde is spinning like a turbine, I’m telling you), and, of course, a year later the Huffington Post. And this book:

Tap that!

Tap that!

And, of course,William Fucking Shatner.

As you may be aware, the Great State and Future Province of Alaska has recently released all of Sarah Palin’s emails (now, Republicknuts, keep your panties on: they’re redacted) for your reading pleasure, and we at the ol’ raincoaster blog have taken this one step further by running said emails through the HaikuFinder, and here are the results [who, by the way, is this “Tibbles” who gets cc’d in on so much? Her cat?]:

Try the free Yahoo!
Mail Beta. Need Mail bonding?
Go to the Yahoo!

I wrote Anna back
and stated that waiting was
not satisfactory.

Seuss style. Then the whole
class read aloud, with Palin.
from the book. “Brown Bear.

Just got a call from
Joey. He’s so excited
about his new job.

I’m down here any
time between now and then if
you need anything.

Any reaction
from the administration
on this? I’m all ears!

They also engage
in direct lobbying on
industry issues.

Palin is scheduled
to return from Washington
D. C. tomorrow.

Palin is scheduled
to return from Washington
D. C. tomorrow.

I think. They could sit
in the gallery and watch
sausage being made.

If at some point you
would like detailed rebuttal,
we can provide that.

He has also worked
as a charter boat owner
and operator.

He has also worked
as a charter boat owner
and operator.

He has also worked
as a charter boat owner
and operator.

He has also worked
as a charter boat owner
and operator. [apparently, repeatedly]

sorry you’re having
to deal with a bunch of this,
i know you’re swamped too.

Why remain silent?
I know the governor is
wildly popular.

I’l be over there
at about noon to pick up
the girls for softball.

Please let me know if
there is anything I can
do to assist you.

I wanted to pass
this on incase one of you
want to call her back.

Thanks for all the hard
work you do for Alaska’s
students and families!

I ask that you go
beyond funding the status
quo, and invest more.

o b v i o
u s ly t h a t
‘s not possible. [this is my favorite. it is a thing of beauty and a joy forever]

He is pretty well
known in Bethel according
to Don Young’s office.

Thank you very much
for taking the time to meet
with me this morning.

Palin For the most
part Arctic Power funding
from the state will stop.

Basic answer is
that we are recommending
phone calls, not travel.

I will overnight
there and finish to Houston
tomorrow morning.

We appreciate
any assistance you can
give with this request.

She is interested
in what’s next for Mat Maid from
the state’s perspective.

The resignation
was accepted “effective
last day of business. [nice Godfatherian touch there]

She is interested
in what’s next for Mat Maid from
the state’s perspective. [still? that was one whole haiku ago; I’m so over that guy]

Also, the dairy
farms are the market for farms
that grow feed and hay.

I hope my comments
made some sense notwithstanding
static and echoes.

I am assuming
the Director’s position
will be filled shortly?

I’m also glad you
were able to talk with Tom
Irwin this morning.

You might want to let
your friends or family use them
when you aren’t around.

Very important
lesson learned, and a wake up
call to all of us.

He’s retired now, but
I suspect you could hire him
as a consultant.

We (every single
hockey player in Anchorage)
would like an answer. [or what, hip check?]

Anyway I do
appreciate you taking
the time to email.

Very little is
known here about the others
whose names were sent up.

More competitive
salaries and benefits
was a common theme.

I’ll check on Monday
and make sure the synopsis
gets to all of you.

We have already
scheduled a meeting with him
at 4:00pm today.

I know folks back home
in Alaska share my pride
in these fine soldiers.

I am in Anchorage
at my Atwood office through
Saturday evening. [ATWOOD? How is the Great Canadian Poet messed up in this???]

Believe it or not,
the mayhem wasn’t as bad
as it could have been.

It was a federal
earmark that we can not use
on anything else.

It probably is but
I am very discouraged
with the current system. [growing discouraged, Sarah? the process of slow learners becoming jaded is a terrific spectator sport, ain’t it, gentle reader?]

He spoke directly
to them about everything
I mentioned above.

It was a federal
earmark that we can not use
on anything else. [and you still seem bitter about that, Sarah. It’s time to move on.]

It is, and has been
one of the prime feeding troughs
for dirty money. [what does dirty money eat? Democrats?]

If I don’t hear back
about the tub, I’ll just go
with a whirlpool type. [??????]

If I don’t hear back
about the tub, I’ll just go
with a whirlpool type.

If I don’t hear back
about the tub, I’ll just go
with a whirlpool type. [apparently, she’s stuck in the Spin Cycle]

This was televised
back in March and many folks
have now been involved.

My statements wont make
any sense now that i see
the House poll results.

My statements wont make
any sense now that i see
the House poll results. [no matter how many times you repeat them]

They have not been all

that organized or helpful
until recently.

It is a tough thing
to be “the adult” as you
so aptly put it. [harder for some than for others]

THANK YOU!! I love what
you are doing for our state,
Governor Palin!

THANK YOU!! I love what
you are doing for our state.
Governor Palin! [two completely spontaneous, completely identical fan emails. Hmm, should I check if they came from Palin’s IP?]

It is a tough thing
to be “the adult” as you
so aptly put it.

Word, Sarah.

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6 thoughts on “Palin Poetry: The Palinleaks Haikus

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