Beyond the Son of Under the Planet of Covid Briefing Bingo

The Covid Briefing Show, Daily Edition
The Covid Briefing Show, now daily

This is getting to be a regular thing, isn’t it? I really should invest the time in creating some new bingo cards, particularly as these have become an ensemble show rather than a solo act, but that’ll have to wait till Friday, as I’m currently editing a business book that’s due Friday and I’m only 40 pages in. Wish me luck.

Your previous Covid Briefing Bingo cards:

And here is our video for today. I was gonna mix things up and use the CBC video today, but their French translator’s mic was so low the dynamic range was annoying me, and so I switched back. Also, today I lost out on a federal government gig I could have absolutely rocked, just because I stupidly admitted I’d need a refresher course to be bilingual again, and so I’m going to test my French. So you must suffer with me, dear reader.

That is your role in this very slow-moving tragedy. To suffer with me.

And now, the video, featuring PM Justin Trudeau, Dr. Theresa Tam, and Dr. Howard Njoo, and Minister Dominic Leblanc. Why is there no abbreviation for Minister? There probably is, but it’s been hushed up. It’s Ottawa.

Again, we have “Begins in English” after a token French greeting, and this time mark the grey suit square, and a very shiny grey suit it is, too. If I still had my old tailor client I’d ask him for his professional opinion. I do like that red tie. Also check off “Wears mask” because he took it off just before the cameras rolled, and the other two just after they did. And, of course, “Namechecks Dr. Theresa Tam” because she’s right there. It’d be weird if he didn’t. And we don’t want it to get weird.

Do we?

Some of us are old pros at “weird”

There’s your “Calls someone out for bigotry” square, and if we had one you could mark the “Stern look” one as well, but we don’t. Someday in the future, dear readers, some day when I’m not procrastinating on editing a book.

182,839 confirmed Covid cases. Yeugh. At least our mortality rate is something like half the American rate. Take that, American healthcare snobs!

Oh and that was “every step of the way” so mark that one too.

And now everyone’s favourite part: the part where they talk about giving money to Canadians. Trudeau outlines the CRB, the new paid sick leave, and the caregiver supports. I did my application for the CRB, the CERB replacement, and it took about 90 seconds. Dead easy, and I didn’t need to gather a billion documents first, which is good, because although they exist, most of them are being used as bookmarks somewhere in my room right now.

And now on to business supports, which I’m frankly paying less attention to because I figure that’s capitalism’s problem.

Oh, we knew it was coming. There’s your “app” square. I did a little digging, and it’s true: the app is not a privacy-buster. Like, at all. If you’ve got an Android device, it does need your location services enabled, but that’s because Google set their operating system up that way: Bluetooth won’t work unless location services are enabled. Take it up with Google. The app doesn’t convey that information to the government: the device shares it with Google, constantly.

Minster Leblanc is going into more detail about business supports, but I’m distracted by the lighting, which made it look as if he were wearing corpse-blue gloves. I’m shallow.

And he now challenges everyone to contribute directly to their own community. A national volunteerism challenge: nice. And how fucking Canadian! What am I gonna do, now that I’m not contagious anymore and can’t deliberately infect the Q-fanciers with The Plague?

9,627 deaths from Covid-19 in Canada, Dr. Tam says. Again, that’s about half the mortality rate among the diagnosed that the US is reporting. And all this talk about Thanksgiving means mark off the “Shout-out to non-religious holiday” on the Second Generation card.

Interesting. Dr Tam takes English, Dr Njoo takes French. That’s a good A/B team. And no, I’m not still bitter about not getting a federal government job because I said my French was rusty. I’m SOOOO OVER THAT!

And on to the questions now. Will someone drink water? Gesticulate? Almost certainly, dear readers. We know our people by now. And there we go, Dr. Njoo is drinking water, he’s given you that First Generation card square!

OH MY GOD, big news, kittens! We have FLAG DERANGEMENT, I repeat: WE HAVE FLAG DERANGEMENT! See how Minster Leblanc’s flags are only kinda-sorta arranged properly? But not really? Mark that square, I thought we’d never see this day.

“WE”? AGAIN? Oh, people. The WE scandal is the Covid-19 of scandals: incredibly slow-moving, poorly-understood, politicized up the ying-yang, and excruciatingly dull. A friend was explaining the scandal to an American, who interrupted him incredulously to reply, “I wish I was Canadian.” You can tell Trudeau is SO over it.

There’s your “throat malfunction” square, for the throat-clearing. And he gives you the standard “We are focused on helping Canada get through the pandemic. The Conservatives can focus on whatever they like.”

Yes! There’s your “Shades Harper” square. It warms the frozen cockles of my heart. I hope somewhere on his home planet Stephen Harper shivers, and feels an eerie chill. Nice of that reporter to give him a chance to repeat EXACTLY what he just said in response to the previous question, in both official languages.

There’s your “Gesticulates” square, which is kind of weird, as Trudeau is gesturing to Leblanc, who is onscreen and probably can’t see him at all. But it works on video, and it counts for your Covid Briefing Bingo square, and that, we can agree, is the main thing.

There’s the “Two Michaels” square. I’d like to know which countries Trudeau means when he says we will work with “like-minded countries”. There’s at least one fewer than there used to be these days.

That’s “Pushes responsibility to provinces” if my French is any good, which IT SO IS, HIRING COMMITTEE IT SO IS! but I’m over that. It’s gonna have to be, because he’s not doing the translation into English. I may have to learn sign language to get simultranslation.

“Rapid testing” needs to be on the next square, for sure. Oh, and that’s how you pronounce “panacea.” I wondered. I got “Hermione” wrong for the first two of the Harry Potter books. Thanks, Teach.

That question was in English, but I can’t say that I understood the English. It was something about the security services. And we know quite well that Five Eyes agreements mandate things that are contrary to Canadian privacy law, so don’t try to slide that past us, Zoolander.

And the health question. I mean, you can just look at him: he could probably lead a yoga class at lunch without breaking a sweat. Trudeau confirms that he’ll let the media know when there’s something the media should know, but doesn’t say if he’ll notify them he’s GOING to be tested.

Oh, there’s your “Maple leaf accessory” as the Prime Minister leaves, putting on a new mask with a bigger, grey maple leaf. And i just noticed, the flags in the briefing room are stitched. That maple leaf is appliqued, not printed on. Hum. Your tax dollars at work.

Well, since we don’t have any more relevant squares, it’s time to call it a wrap. See you tomorrow at (checks website) not-tomorrow. Who knows when? I always like a little suspense in my assignments.

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