Covid Briefing Bingo Rises from the Tomb.

Yes, we are still naming these after Paul Naschy werewolf films, because why the fuck not?

Horror rises from the tomb

Horror rises from the tomb, as do I every morning, dear reader.

Play one board or play them all. Here are all the Covid Briefing Bingo cards to date.

Here’s your video. Is it my imagination or does Trudeau seem a little cranky today? Maybe just undercaffeinated; speaking for myself I find it hard enough to just tweet these briefings before coffee, never mind delivering one.

At a news conference on Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau provides an update on the federal government’s response to the COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic. He is joined by federal ministers Marc Miller (Indigenous services) and Ahmed Hussen (families, children and social development), as well as Dr. Theresa Tam (Canada’s chief public health officer) and Dr. Howard Njoo (the deputy chief public health officer). Drs. Tam and Njoo also present the latest federal epidemiological modelling data.

Everyone is late again, so that’s good. My coffee is almost ready! And we salute you, Brave Reporter Who Sits In The Front Row. Mark off that square.

Head’s up, and here they come. “Blue suit with brown shoes WhICH IS JUST MOrALLY WrONG” and “Maple Leaf Accessory” and “Poppy” square active, as well as “Someone appears via video screen”. And “App” too. And it appears that my CAPSLOCK key needs help. As do I, capslock, as do I.

Oh, SOOOPER, my website is frozen. So guess you need to be on Twitter to do #BriefingBingo today. Loving that. I guess you should mark your “Technical difficulties” square; and they can’t seem to get Minister Hussen’s mic to work either so that’s double technical difficulties.

Yep, there you go. Mark the “Finds new way to give Canadians money” square. As usual. I gotta get me some of that. Well, not THIS money. Other money. I’m sure at some point they’ll announce targeted support for underemployed semi-retired bloggers-turned-journalists-turned-bloggers, right?

I tried to do a Twitter Thread but because I was undercaffeinated I screwed it up, alas. That’ll teach me to start before my coffee’s ready. Follow the hashtag #BriefingBIngo instead for today.

Immigration as a key part of the economic recovery? Compare and contrast to the US, where they’re putting their immigrants in cages and restricting entry to the country according to religion. Which, when paired with banning certain countries, is basically a shortcut to institutional racism.

I have dug up the Twitter accounts of the participants in the almost certainly vain hope of an RT at some point in the future, so here we go:

Dr. Theresa Tam:

Dr Howard Njoo, who does not tweet anymore:

Justin Trudeau:

Marc Miller:

Ahmed Hussen:

New app update? You can now enter the date you got tested and when notified, which will be very helpful. And it’s optional: it really is pretty good privacy-wise. Yeah, good luck to that guy headed for Boston. I’d wear a full Hazmat suit, myself.

Interesting that this briefing is primarily focused on safe water supplies to First Nations. High time. Past time.

Seriously though, when are they coming out with poppy-themed masks? Seems like a no-brainer to me. @RCL_DC get on that!

Pretty gross that we’re diagnosing significantly more cases daily than ever before. Beginning to second-guess staying in Ontario vs moving back to BC immediately. If they’ll even have me.

Gotta say, I am loving the Tam/Njoo teamwork here.

Science lessons with Canada’s leading medical specialists! The Two Doctors are walking us through how pandemics spread, and how if each infected person infects less than one other person it’ll die out.

My local bbq place re-opened for indoor seating for 1 DAY. Today the patio is open, tomorrow they’re pulling the grill out and putting it in the parking lot for tailgating. A healthy adaptation and good for sales, because it smells so good you MUST buy!

Looking at the infection rates for age groups. BRB, off to change my “target market’ on dating sites.

Interesting. Covid19 infection rates vary directly with other social challenges, ie poor people and the other marginalized groups are disproportionately hit by the disease. Sophie Grégoire Trudeau is the outlier here. But she had it before it was cool. Goddamn hipsters.

Yep, pretty clear that reopening schools was problematic. And here’s your reminder, before you bitch at me on Twitter, that I don’t care about how badly you needed the peace and quiet. Good to see fewer people in hospital with #Covid19. We now have support systems like #caremongering to help people stay home when infected.

GODDAMMIT! I forgot my coffee has been sitting in the kitchen waiting for me to notice it for 45 minutes. Clearly, I need coffee.

The Roommate finally got his #Covid19 test done. FINALLY. I’ve only been sick for 8 weeks. *chews anti-viral gummy* Meanwhile on CPAC, Trudeau looks particularly peeved today. Wonder why? Usually he only looks like that when he’s anticipating WE questions. Trudeau needs a coffee as badly a I do.

I like that tie. I’m so bored from the lockdown that looking at a tie that throws off weird moiré patterns on tv is the highlight of my day.

Dr Tam says that I should get rid of my roommate for my own safety. I’m on board. Wonder if she can hook me up with some ricin? We are supposed to decrease our contacts by 25% and basically since March I’ve seen The Roommate, The Sister, and 2 friends. And I ain’t killing The Sister: she takes me on scenic drives!

Opioid deaths have doubled in some FN communities? Interesting. Decriminalization seems like Not The Issue, in this case. We really need harm reduction. I mean, most of these drugs are not illegal, period.

For all that this briefing has a ton of information it’s been very poor on the #Covid19#BriefingBingo front. Basically all the squares were ticked in the first 90 seconds. C’mon, give us at least a “donc”.

Canadian arms were sold to Turkey and ended up being used by the Azeris in the current conflict. Export permits to Turkey apparently now suspended, says Trudeau.

And we’re on to the questions:

If you know he’s not going to comment on the US election, why did you ask the question? I mean, he gets asked this every single day and he’s never answered it once. You only get “We are keeping Canadians safe.”

Yet another question about safe drinking water on reservations. I’m glad to see the pressure on. This needs to be fixed. It’s been 150 years, people.

There’s a good question. Basically “What do you wish you’d done differently so that so many people don’t feel as alienated from their government?” Trudeau says “we will work with anyone from any party”. Mark “Shades tories” square & “Building back better”.

Oh, I missed it but yes, mark off your “Swaps out the sign language interpreters”. And good question about why there are so many outbreaks in healthcare settings, not long term care.

If I end up in the hospital, send flowers. Don’t visit. I mean, you were never gonna visit me anyway, but at least this way you might send flowers.

There’s your “PPE” square, mark that one off.

Question about the availability of the flu vaccine. If I ever get over whatever flu I currently have, I’ll get the shot. Week eight and counting, y’all.

“Big parties are off.” Dr Tam makes it clear even for, say, rich retired hockey players with brain injuries and terrible taste in politics.

I think I’m going to have to add a square for “Vigilant” for the next card. There we go, mark your “who we are” square. Do I have a square for “Every step of the way?” If I do, mark that square. And “addresses reporter by name”.

Mark your “Rapid tests” square, I think that’s in the fifth generation bingo card. Man, next time I’m going to have my coffee a good half hour before the briefing. And that’s a wrap!

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