Category Archives: Allegory

Porn Stars Discover God, Shakespeare

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Yep, as Sploid reports, Jesus does indeed love porn stars. Jesus sure does love him some porn stars, yesiree!And now, they can love him right back. And no, we're not talking about a "creative re-enactment" of passages from the Book of Matthew, you kilt-liftin', mango-slimin', spay cam porn-watchin' perv!

"spay cam porn"????? I ask you!

After another Bible publisher backed out, NavPress had agreed to publish a New Testament paraphrase on behalf of XXXchurch.com, an anti-porn ministry.

The books, whose covers will read "Jesus Loves Porn Stars," will be distributed at porn-industry conventions later this year.

Well it's high time is what I say! Everyone knows that porn stars are entirely dedicated to the pursuit of biblical knowledge, if only of each other.

Now, in addition to gaining access to the words of God, it appears that they will also be allowed access to the words of Shakespeare, whom at least a few elderly, pipe-smoking, elbow-patched professors still believe is god. It's a little like a cargo cult, but with sherry instead of coconut rum.

Shakespeare...as you've never seen him before!

NEW YORK (Reuters) – A new television reality show invites porn stars to test their serious acting abilities in London's theater district, raising the question: Debbie can do Dallas, but can she take on Chekhov's "The Cherry Orchard?"

Well wasn't it Chekhov who said that if there's a gun on the wall in the first act, it must go off before the close of the third? Indeed, that's a principle that porn has taken to heart (and several other organs) far more than conventional theatre and cinema. "The money shot" indeed.

And while we wish said actresses all the luck in the world making this transition, it must be said that the material is ahead of them. Not Shakespeare: as far as I know he never even wrote a satyricon, much less a straight-up porn. Or even an at-an-awkward-angle one. But that classic of cheerleading cinema, Debbie Does Dallas has been denatured and played off-Broadway last year. And check out some cast bios. Things have cum full circle jerk.

Susan L. Schwartz (Debbie) Susan has been Debbie Does Dallas, and Off-Broadway too!preparing to play Debbie her whole life, beginning with her starring role as Molly Pitcher in her childhood performance of the WOMEN OF THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR. As a member of the Footlights while studying at Cambridge University, after two summers at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and while studying at the National Theatre in London, everything was leading up to this moment.

Tonya Canada (Roberta) NYC credits include: THE CHERRY ORCHARD

I wonder if either of them were in Godspell? In any case, we can be sure that the complete story will be told in one of the Guardian's blogs.

Blog post o’ the day

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Courtesy of the Heather —-s Blog . May contrain traces of soy products, gluten, nuts and editing:

It’s not you, it’s me. I’m just not the same person as when I started —–ing you. I have loved the time we spent together. Your —– is strong yet soft. You are lithe and attractive. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s just that I am in a different place now.

No, it’s not only that I’ve been spending time with Bjerk, and I truly wish that you’d stop saying “that B-Jerk.” I’m fairly certain it’s pronounced like Bjork but with an “erk.”

I spend time with Bjerk because I don’t want to hang around the house all the time anymore – I’ve been enjoying getting out and I can’t take you anywhere these days, what with your being in pieces and your ends all hanging out. When we were spending all that time at home in front of the TV, that was one thing. But I want to be free to move around!

I’ve worked hard on this relationship, and I’m not giving up now. You know that I’m committed: We’ve been through thick and thin, unraveling, bumps, twists, and 190 dang b—–s! But something has to change. You can’t accuse me of cheating just because I swatched Bjerk when I should have been working on your shoulders, or every time I —- a couple of —- with Bjerk in my hands. Yes, Bjerk is beautiful…

But so are you, in a different way. Neither of you is better or worse. I love your b—–s, Bjerk doesn’t have any of those. And you have such a lovely —– (no, I did NOT say d—p!). Just because Bjerk is slightly more youthful and elastic doesn’t mean anything.

OK, you’re right, maybe I don’t know how to handle your edgy ——-, but I’m willing to learn! I can improve, I know I can! Once we work through that, I’ll be able to take you with me everywhere.

It’s just that. Well. You’re right. I probably will never be able to be completely exclusive.

Just set me free and I will come back to you. Stop with the guilt trips. Wait patiently and the novelty of Bjerk will wear off (at about 2 3/4 inches, when Bjerk tells me to use — ———, and I say no because I don’t have any on me).

Very money

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RenminbiOkay, so maybe money can't buy you love. But, as any moderately successful capitalist in the world can tell you, it sure can rent it!

China's getting the hang of this capitalism thing, and no wonder: they pretty much invented it. Restaurants? Invented them. Money? Yup, invented it, including the paper it was printed on. And throughout much of Asia, when you hear about violence against the prosperous middle class, it's pretty much indistinguishable from violence against the Chinese, who form the bulk of the merchant class throughout the region. Is this racism, or revolution?

Sometimes the protest can be very subtle indeed. This week the dreadfully-named Guardian arts blog Culture Vulture features really very good reporter Jonathan Watts at Beijing's Dashanzi International Art Fair. You won't find any bombastic revolutionary types there; they were rounded up a few weeks ago and, frankly, carted off to the void. But you can still see social criticism of a more restrained nature.

Cash is used for political ends by veteran artist, Huang's Rui, whose "Chairman Mao 10,000rmb" spells out Cultural Revolution slogans with banknotes. The same material is exploited by young artist Wang Sishun, who has cut and folded a giant 100rmb note into the shape of a vagina. "Before you couldn't buy anything in China. Money was useless," he explains. "But now it can buy anything, even sex."

 It's charming and, I suppose, heartening that we live in a world where there are people who still find that noteworthy. So to speak.

You are not alone: surprise!

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The planet...as seen from Washington and Middle America (is that what they mean by the Mideast?)

According to this National Geographic article, most Americans may be vaguely or acutely aware that illegal immigrants exist, but they have no fucking clue where these people are coming from.

Take Iraq, for example. Despite nearly constant news coverage since the war there began in 2003, 63 percent of Americans aged 18 to 24 failed to correctly locate the country on a map of the Middle East. Seventy percent could not find Iran or Israel.

Nine in ten couldn’t find Afghanistan on a map of Asia.

Who’s with me in thinking the remaining ten percent have served over there? I mean, I’m sure some of the soldiers come back, right? Alive?

Anyway, looking at it from a totally selfish perspective, it’s a good thing. Not only will it eventually bring to a halt American Imperialist expansion, once the (miniscule) current generation of geography-erati die out, but it also effectively prevents them from invading Alberta for oil or Vancouver for drugs. As Rick Mercer said, just take our name off the map index and they’ll NEVER FIND US!

Transcript of late-night phonecall to an anonymous geographer:

Yes, Mister President. No, no, I was awake anyway. What? Uh…yes sir. Yes sir. Ummmmmm…well maybe not, sir. No sir, I’m sorry but I can’t give you the coordinates. Yes sir, I’m aware that it’s rich in natural resources. Yes sir, I’m aware that the people there do not recognize Our Lord, Jesus Christ as the savior. Well sir, it’s just that Y’ha-nthlei is a fictional construct. Pretend, sir. It’s pretend.

Quiz: What Book Are You?

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I'm not sure I like this. I mean, I'm not disputing it; no, not in the least. But I'm still not sure I like this. At least I'm a literary best-seller!


You're The Poisonwood Bible!
by Barbara Kingsolver
Deeply rooted in a religious background, you have since become both isolated and schizophrenic. You were naively sure that your actions would help people, but of course they were resistant to your message and ultimately disaster ensued. Since you can see so many sides of the same issue, you are both wise beyond your years and tied to worthless perspectives. If you were a type of waffle, it would be Belgian.
Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.