Pretty sweet, eh?

It’s just not Halloween if you don’t freak a few wusses out. In fact, the little kiddies might feel a tad ripped off and bored (not that these are not their default emotions nowadays) if you don’t come up with something especially spooktacular for the big night.

My personal best was the time I went as Munch‘s painting The Scream (this was before it got stolen, so I was at no risk of being carted off mid-trick-or-treat by Interpol). It must be admitted that I didn’t, in fact, go anywhere, I just stayed home and handed out candy, but still, my costume did not go unnoticed.

For one thing, I know how to make an entrance. When the doorbell rang, I hid behind the door and dragged it open a crack. Then I crawled my surgical-gloved fingers over the edge and slowly drew it open, revealing my misshapen head (it was a MASK, smartass) and black-robed, slightly beefier than emaciated, but what can you do eh? body, clad in the abaya that my mother had brought back from Saudi.

I was a menacing figure.

So, no change there.

One wee Superman‘s knees gave out completely at the sight of me. If he hadn’t been holding his parents’ hands on both sides, he’d have hit the floor. As it was, he swung limply for a moment before skittering, crablike, away as I silently brandished KitKats, Goobers and Nerds. 

Half the time the rugrats wouldn’t come near me and I ended up throwing it at them.

Anyway, I promised you a how-to lesson on making the coolest jack o’lantern ever. And I shall deliver, with the help of Ray, from Villafane Studios, which I found via Fark. God forbid I should teach you how to carve punkins like mine; they always look like the guy in the head-on collision who didn’t make it, and who had to be identified through DNA. So give thanks, here are your instructions for creating a far cooler, far gruesomier, jack o’lantern than I could ever make for you.

If you have yet to try and carve a pumpkin in a 3-D manner you need to. Its fun and everybody enjoys a cool pumpkin. Unfortunately they begin to rot less than a week after carving so be sure to take plenty of pictures. You can experiment with ways of preserving them but I find nothing works better than a nice photo. Some chefs that I have carved for put lemon juice on the faces to help slow down the natural molding process that will occur.