what not to wear…on a date with Darren Sherman

Everybody remember the hapless Darren Sherman of How Not to JDate? And, of course, who could forget the moving soundtrack to the undoubtably already-in-pre-production musical?Remember when Nirvana said that the Weird Al parody meant that they’d really made it? Well, in the wardrobe equivalent of Weird Al immortalization, you can now wear the unofficial Darren and Joanne Date From Hell t-shirt.

Getcha Darren and Joanne t-shirts heyah!

Thanks to Arnell Boone in the comments section, and of course to PR Differently for breaking the story in the first place.

your summer wardrobe essentials

Oooh, I think I need one of these, to go with my “Old Spice Girl” tee. Ladies and gentlemen (confused gentlemen only, please; no Moobers and Proud allowed!) Defamer presents your long-awaited CafePress Officer SugarTits wear for summer. Thongs available as well, but alas, no “Officer SugarTwat” insignia. Damn narrow, literal-minded cops!

Officer SugarTits, reporting for duty. Headlights on?

punchline o’ the day: Defamer on agents

Jamie Gold, CHIPs officerDefamer has possibly the best writers in the blogosphere, and every now and again they show you why.

I’m gonna be cruel and make you jump over to their site for the killer punchline, cuz that’s how I roll.

But read the setup first, otherwise there’s no payoff.

Unless you already work in Hollywood, in which case you’re living this nightmare.

“Agents ate my baby” shirt owners, hollaback!

Conflicted Former Agent Plays Winning Poker, Fears Fame

Reality show producer and former agent Jamie Gold is currently the chip leader at the World Series of Poker No Limit Hold ‘Em Championship in Vegas, but he’s terrified of winning–not because he’s afraid of the millions of dollars he’d take home, as an agent’s moneylust never truly fades, but rather because he fears the fame that a victory will bring. In an interview with ESPN.com, Gold explains why the idea of instant celebrity is so frightening that he openly muses about taking a dive into second place:

“I don’t want it,” Gold said. “I’ve seen what it’s done to other people. I’ve worked with actors from James Gandolfini to Felicity Huffman to Lucy Liu.”Gandolfini wanted nothing to do with fame. If you notice before ‘The Sopranos,’ he never did a movie that put him in the spotlight. He never did Jay Leno. He never did an interview. He never talked to the press. He didn’t want any of it. He couldn’t stand it because he knew what would happen to his life.

“He got in an accident in New York City and someone walked over to him and said something like, ‘Well, you’re Tony Soprano, so you don’t need any help.’ Craziness. It’s insane..”

It’s not too hard to understand why a behind-the-scenes player (or anyone who’s even fleetingly considered a messy suicide upon hearing an actress discuss who she’s wearing on the red carpet) like Gold would eschew the spotlight, but we think there might be a deeper psychological explanation for his fame-phobia revealed by the Gandolfini story.

Find out what it is here. BTW, ‘nother hottie, but he I think he flies the other airline. Either that or he’s emo; all I know is, I’m not that good with eyeliner.

The Shebeen Club: The Legend of Gassy Jack August 15th

www.shebeenclub.com

The Elephant Book
The Shebeen Club Presents:
The True Legend of Gassy Jack

When: 7-9pm, Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Where: upstairs @ The Shebeen, Gaoler’s Mews, Gastown

How: reserve @ lorraine.murphyatgmail.com

How Much: $15 to August 12th, door $20; limited to 25
Dinner and a drink are included in admission

What: A special reading of ‘the true legend of Gassy Jack‘ by Vancouver author and artist Robert Chaplin; he will also discuss his new baby, The Elephant Book

Who: For more info contact: lorraine.murphyatgmail.com
The Shebeen Club is very pleased to present local artist and writer Robert Chaplin. Robert will discuss his newly-launched The Elephant Book, and in keeping with the locale, he will recite his creation “The True Legend of Gassy Jack.” Sean Heather just happens to own the original manuscript, tying things up so neatly an editor would blue pencil “too slick” right alongside!

As usual, we will also feature a fine dinner of bangers & mash or pasta, along with a nice glass of wine, beer or pop. Door prizes, literary community announcements, scuttlebutt, and mingling to rival the Algonquin Round Table to follow.

Meet and Mingle 7-7:30
Reading 7:30-8
Elephantine punning and gassy jacking 8-10 (don’t ask/tell)

master of the zombie boner

Shaun of the Dead; boy meets ghoulsFor lo, we are an equal-opportunity gonad-make-funner here on the raincoaster blog.

Ya just can’t get a better headline than that one, eh? So I stole it wholesale from Gawker, who did this report pointing to a New York Observer piece on a cosmetic …penologist? who works his sexy magic with whatever bits of Alastair Cooke he can get on the black market out behind Dino’s.

In the name of enlargement, he’s prepared to sever its ligaments, yank it further out of your groin, inject it with fat, and wrap it an am empowering sheath of dead flesh. Not girthy enough? Fear not:

Right now, there are two methods of adding girth to a penis: injecting fat, or wrapping the penis in layers of cadaver skin.

Both have drawbacks, in that the body would like to absorb both fat and skin. Even corpse skin.

So in a way, your significant other gets to engage in a threesome that’s (at least) one-third necrophillic.

Cue the Lovecraft…ah, that’s how he got the name. I gets it now.

Aim for the Head!