So, here we are again, a scant 25.5 hours after the last briefing.

Today’s briefing is named after the rare Paul Naschy movie that I have yet to see, The Beast and the Magic Sword. And my day began at 6am, when I got a calendar reminder for a book launch occurring at the same time as the briefing, so that’s great. Hopefully I can watch the Zoom later.

And then continued, after a short, fitful doze, with a phonecall from some rando in Bangladesh. I don’t know anyone in Bangladesh, so I’m choosing to believe this was a call from the office of the Prime Minister of Bangladesh, concerned lest I sleep through another Covid briefing. They’re big Covid Briefing Bingo fans in Bangladesh, you know. So I gave up and got up.

And in universe-upending news, I can’t find the CPAC livestream, so today we’re going with the CBC video instead. Practicing my French will have to wait. Good thing the coffee’s ready; this is way too much disruption to handle in one morning.

Play one card or play them all to win fabulous, completely imaginary prizes:

• First Generation
• Second Generation
• Third Generation
• Fourth Generation
• Fifth Generation
• Sixth Generation Covid Briefing Bingo Card
• and previous posts are all on the Briefing Bingo category page.

And here’s our video, which starts late, as usual.

Oh, and soooper, I have internet problems, so this should go well. Mercury is OUT of retrograde, isn’t it? Even in Nepean?

Okay, we’ve got “rapid tests” and “Pushes responsibility to provinces” and “Grey suit” and “Poppy” so far. I’ll pop back in and do a summary of the contents later, when my internet stops fucking with me. Okay, I’m back and doing that now. Trudeau begins the briefing by stressing that reducing the spread of the pandemic is up to each of us. The federal government can and will do only so much, but it won’t interfere with what individual provinces are doing, although he HEAVILY IMPLIES you should be way more cautious than certain provinces are being. On which note, there’s this rather horrifying update:

GM is an American company, as is Pfizer, so that does NOT give you “Names specific Canadian company”. No squares for you!

And the new money for veterans is “Finds a new way to give Canadians money” as well as “Foreshadows an announcement to be made later”. And a reminder that this year’s Remembrance Day ceremonies will be online, if they happen at all. I’ll never forget being in the Cambie pub and watching the parade go by. Everyone in that dive, including the people who were well past the point of standing by that time in the morning, stood up and raised their beers to the soldiers passing by.

And now it’s already “later” because here we are at the announcement by Minister MacAulay. Everybody theoretically supports veterans, but now it’s time for shit to get real. Here are some details from the Veteran’s site.

Non-profit and charitable Veterans organizations are experiencing a critical loss of charitable and fundraising revenues as a direct result of COVID-19, and are at risk of not being able to maintain their operations.

Veterans organizations play a critical role in the lives and well-being of Veterans and their families, as well as the communities in which they are located. They support homeless and disabled Veterans and play a crucial role in helping the Department fulfill its mandate. The Veterans Organizations Emergency Support Fund provides grants to non-profit and registered charitable organizations that support Veterans and their families. The grants will help organizations with operational costs and financial shortfalls caused by the COVID-19 pandemic. If your organization is facing significant financial hardship as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic, you may be eligible for funding.

Veterans Organizations Emergency Fund

And there’s your “PPE” square. Like eight times, along with “Vaccine”. And “Rapid test” which we had earlier as well. The next briefing card is going to be dry af, because it will be all “Logistics” and “Shovel-ready” and suchlike.

We also have “Audio issues” throughout the video. And now we’re on to Dr. Tam and the statistics, average daily case count is over 3,000. Soooooooper. People, if you really can’t live without spending time with other people, maybe try harder to keep them alive!

There’s your “Three C’s” square. “Nobody knows layering like Canadians in Winter,” says Dr. Tam and this is just objectively true. And now mark your “My aunt calls during the briefing” square.

Reading between the lines (and my reading comprehension is iffy even ON the lines themselves, but hey-ho, everybody’s a pundit these days; Thanks, Twitter!) it seems like the federal government is saying,

“Look, we’ve done all we can do for you people without hurting our chances in the next election. Your premiers aren’t going to save, you, CLEARLY. They think the economy is better off with more dead Canadians. Some of them appear to be absolutely stone-cold batshit insane, in fact, so this is on you. Stay home. Mask up. For the love of god, stop killing off people just so you don’t have to eat a fucking third-rate cheeseburger by yourself.”

I may be paraphrasing a bit.

Oh right, here’s what he actually said:

With rising cases of COVID-19 here at home, there’s added pressure on all orders of government to keep people safe and to protect jobs.

But I would hope that no leader in our country is easing public health vigilance because they feel pressure not to shut down businesses or slow down our economy.

I understand that worry, but let me tell you: that’s how we end up with businesses going out of business and the economy damaged even more.

Beating COVID is the only way to protect our economy.

Prime Minister’s remarks on the COVID-19 situation and support for Veterans

And all of these references to Remembrance Day count as “Shout-out to non-religious holiday” although if you’re in a military family you’re allowed to tick off the “Religious holiday” square too. Because OBVIOUS REASONS that’s why.

Woohoo, Dr. Njoo gives us “Button Down Oxford” so mark that one off. I’m unreasonably excited for this, because I’ve been locked down with The Roommate and his endless television reruns for the past eight thousand months, and am starved for entertainment.

Good questions from @LeDevoir about why, if we can release people from immigration detention centres during the pandemic, why can’t we do it all the time. And it gets a “Covid makes things hard, we’re focused on the pandemic” response. Which I’m definitely going to use the next time the Roommate asks why I haven’t washed the dishes.

This whole briefing is one big “Pushes responsibility to provinces” really. It’s like Trudeau is passive-aggressively using the briefing to avoid having a Hard Conversation with his buddy Doug Ford.

And there we have “Sign language interpreter is swapped out”. The next bingo card should have “Challenges” on it, for sure. Maybe “Do the right thing” too.

And there you go, “Drinks water” square. Trudeau reassures the reporter and the citizens that invoking the Emergency Act is not a family tradition. Well, that’s a relief. I already had “Stock up for emergency lockdown” in my calendar for 2050; I wonder which Trudeau will be Hereditary Prime Minister then.

There’s “From the very beginning” and “Avoids mentioning Trump” when asked if he had any “unfinished business with the current President”. Which we all know he has plenty. And “Mentions Biden by name” which looks like it’ll be a regular in the briefing.

Meanwhile, in the US, the fascists just fucking went ahead and did it:

And Minister Anand “Mentions reporter by name” so mark that square. And yes, mark “Someone appears via video”.

And there’s your “Shades Harper” square. Love that one.

The Ratanzi case is god’s gift to the Tories, but it caught them so much by surprise that they haven’t had the chance to take advantage of it. Yet. They’ve put all their hopes in the “Scandal” basket rather than the “Issues” basket.

And now we have the “Gesticulates” square in spades. And the reporter tries to nail Trudeau down to comment on Alberta and Ontario, which he completely ignores in favour of national generalizations.

“From the very beginning” is now active. But come on, there needs to be a national mental health solution. Not “oh, there are lots of charities, try them”. And Trudeau is out, and yes, “Camera follows Trudeau out even though someone else is speaking.”

Dr. Tam gets a question which relates to my interests directly: what does science tell us about transmission aboard airliners. She says they have not received a report of transmission aboard an airliner at this point, which is better than I thought.

On a less serious note, Dr. Tam gives you your “Florals” square for her top. It’s hard to see behind the sign, but it’s definitely a floral print. On a more serious note, Dr. Tam and Minister Ananad are pretty excellent at explaining the challenges to dealing with the pandemic from a logistical and scientific perspective.

And thats’s a wrap. I’ll be back later to review the video and add what I missed, so check back in a couple of hours.

Meanwhile, in the US.

Yes, I’m late. After all these months of limbo I actually forgot how to set an alarm properly, and set it for tomorrow instead of today, so I slept right through the announcement this morning. Which was at 10am: who’s awake at 10am, I ask you? Civil servants and medical personnel and the kids who work the drive-thru, that’s about it these days. And sad, lonely bus drivers with 80 empty seats and no one to talk to. No one.

Ahem. That’s A Mood, isn’t it? Anyway, we’re here now, so we’re doing this.

Play one card or play them all to win fabulous, completely imaginary prizes:

• First Generation
• Second Generation
• Third Generation
• Fourth Generation
• Fifth Generation
• Sixth Generation Covid Briefing Bingo Card
• and previous posts are all on the Briefing Bingo category page.

Today’s bingo is named after Assignment Terror, probably the second-worst Paul Naschy monster movie. And here’s your CPAC video.

Dang, I can’t tell on these screens whether that’s a blue suit or a grey one. I’m in a generous mood, so if you have one marked but not the other, mark the one you don’t have. If you don’t have either, take a look and let me know what colour you think it is in the comments.

“Shovel-ready” is a good option for the next card.

I do not have ANY squares relating to the internet, nor any “Shows hope for the United States” because who saw that coming, but it’s an interesting briefing anyway. Trudeau sends congratulations to Biden and Harris and the United States, mentions the message of inclusion and diversity inherent in the election of Kamala Harris.

And then a discussion of the importance of the internet which, here we all are, aren’t we? Well, the few who are not soon will be, with the expansion of high-speed internet to isolated areas. My friends in Keremeos had to wait six months for a connection at all, and in Tofino I figured our best bet was satellite, with a startup cost of $1500. This low orbit satellite program sounds very interesting. The $1.75 billion broadband fund will make a huge difference.

And excellent news on the vaccine front:

Pfizer says an early peek at its vaccine data suggests the shots may be 90 per cent effective at preventing COVID-19, indicating the company is on track later this month to file an emergency use application with U.S. regulators. The vaccine is among seven that Canada has pre-ordered.

CBC

Other than the suit colour, of course the first square active is your “Wears mask” square. Mark your “Maple Leaf accessory” square, your “Someone appears by video” and “Begins in English”. And right away, “App.” And “Biden mentioned by name” which is on the sixth generation card. “A specific Canadian business is mentioned” as well. Oooh, and “Avoids mentioning Trump by name”.

And “Someone is wearing glasses”. As a glasses-wearer, I’m glad to see it. #BringingGlassesBack And poppies all over the place, mark that square too.

Oooh, Justin Ling did not come to play. I like that reporter. He’s got a very pointed question about the human rights violations in the federal solitary confinement system. He’s got all the details: the system has not changed, and it is incompatible with the changes proposed. The response is equal parts deft and mealy-mouthed, and 100% meaningless.

“The Two Michaels” square is active thanks to CTV’s reporter. Trudeau gives the same lecture about China’s bullying and punitive imprisonment that he gives every time.

I like that Trudeau refers to “The current US president” and “The American government” and absolutely will not say the man’s name. “Ozymandias” square would be active, if it existed.

And “Drinks water” square is active. And “swaps out sign language interpreters” so that’s apparently not a lunch-related thing. Is it an exhausting physical activity? I can’t imagine it’s that much more tiring than simply being Italian and engaging in conversation, but what do I know? Can anyone with expertise weigh in on this?

Oh yeah, we have a “Facial hair” square. So obviously that one’s active. He said “Pardon” but it was in French, and I only have a square for “Sorry” in English, so I’m going to be a hardass and say no, you don’t get that one this time.

And there we have “Concerned Priest Hand Clasp” and “Gesticulates”. Again, just thumb gesticulation, but it counts.

Reporter asks Trudeau if he is not personally responsible for the atrocities occurring in long term care homes, which come the fuck on! That gets us a placid “Pushes responsibility to provinces”. Definitely mark your “stupid gotcha question” square, for that and this:

Another question about Trump, and another response that does not mention him by name. These questions just let Trudeau stare deeply into the camera and murmur “My job is to protect Canadians” and the camera just swoons. Honestly, he should tip the reporters for that question every time. Reporters could use the occasional fifty bucks.

I said Fifty. Times are tough, my dude. Newsboy caps don’t buy themselves, you know.

And there we go, “donc.” God, I love that word. Trudeau is out, but for once the camera does not follow him out.

Minister Bains says “competition” will keep the price of the high speed internet down. Of course, it hasn’t done that so far; at one time Canada had the most affordable broadband in the world, but now it’s one of the most expensive places. So this $1.75 billion is going to go to Canadian and foreign companies, but it’s NOT going to help individuals afford the internet. And the whole “rely on capitalism to do the best for you all” is bullshit; if capitalism worked this way, we would not need the government at all.

Probably the last square you get “Reiterates the border will stay closed.” I wonder if that fiberoptic loop in Yellowknife will EVER get used; it was installed years ago, but the local internet company didn’t want it competing with them, so they simply refused to connect it to the internet, and the government just went “Yeah, okay, I guess.” And it lies there still, unused. Perhaps it will never be used.

Interesting. I was not aware of the $10 a month internet plan. And of course there are still freenets around: apparently there are over 300 people in Ottawa still on dialup. I learned that at digital democracy day which, ironically, was only advertised online, ie it was designed so that it could not reach ANY of the people it was designed to help. Nonetheless it was considered to be a great success and there was a very nice afterparty at Shopify.

And that’s a wrap. And A Mood. See you next time.

Thanks for joining us on this historic day, a day when our neighbors to the south vote to choose their new overlord, less encumbered by Russian hacking efforts than they were last time, if somewhat more encumbered by gun-toting fascist voter intimidation. But we have faith, kittens. We, for once, have faith in America.

Our democracy must be not only the envy of the world but the engine of our own renewal. There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America.

William Jefferson Clinton

It’s also historic because I’m going to try not to drop any F-bombs, in the probably vain attempt to get some rt’s from mainstream Ottawa. I already stopped calling him PM Zoolander: how much can one woman compromise, I ask yez???

Play one card or play them all to win fabulous, completely imaginary prizes:

• First Generation
• Second Generation
• Third Generation
• Fourth Generation
• Fifth Generation Covid Briefing Bingo Card
• and previous posts are all on the Briefing Bingo category page.

And here’s our Cpac video:

And yes, we are still naming them after Paul Naschy Wolfman films, because BECAUSE, that’s why. Today we’re doing Fury of the Wolfman, a classic with a glorious 19% on the tomatometer. And yes, “wolfman” is one word even if “hombre lobo” is two of them. What can we say? English is a capricious language.

In the comments after the post you’ll find some additional squares we missed because we were preoccupied with annoying reporters, sharp red dresses, the dog needing to go out, or similar matters of global import. So remember to check the comments, too.

Not sure why that photographer needs a lens half the length of his arm for this; he’s only about 15 feet from the Prime Minister’s desk. I guess in the age of digital photography “nostril hair resolution” is the standard.

And we’re off! Beginning with a statement of solidarity against terrorist attacks and sympathy to the victims of the latest attacks in Vienna and Kabul, among others. Excerpted below.

I want to offer my condolences to the victims and to all those grieving after the horrific shooting in Vienna that started in front of the city’s synagogue. We stand by the people of Austria, and Jewish communities around the world, who are reeling from this attack. There have been too many of these unacceptable acts of terrorism and violence in our world recently, including in France over the last few weeks, and at Kabul University in Afghanistan yesterday. Canada stands united with people everywhere in condemning these latest, terrible attacks.

These days, our world is facing all kinds of challenges. More and more, we are seeing the second wave of COVID-19 creating difficulties for several countries in Europe and elsewhere. The UK has announced a new lockdown. Belgium and France are experiencing a dramatic increase in hospitalizations. Their nurses and doctors are exhausted, and their hospitals are overwhelmed. The situation is worrisome and must be taken seriously. The second wave of COVID-19 in places like the UK, Belgium, and France is a wake-up call that Canadians cannot afford to ignore. Right now, this virus is being given the chance to spread. It’s being given the opportunity to grow. I know that’s hard to hear, but the numbers are showing us that our window to turn this around is closing fast. We have to work together—right now—to beat the second wave. It won’t be easy, but I know we can do it.

Prime Minister’s remarks announcing support for businesses and farmers

Mark your “Maple leaf accessory” and “Poppy” and “Blue suit” squares. Freeland is there, so I’m 90% sure you’ll get the “Pearls” square as well. Thank god, no brown shoes this time.

Discussing the surge in Manitoba, which is awful, we get “app” and “Second Wave” as you’d expect. And yes, there you go, “Finds new way to give Canadians money”. I spend half my time on Zoom telling my friends which federal money to apply for. An Ottawa lawyer told a friend of mine “I don’t know why anyone goes into crime. The legal money is so much easier to get.”

Is that not the most Canadian thing you’ve ever heard: create a digital poppy at https://mypoppy.ca/. And trudeau gives a message of sympathy to the family, friends, and colleagues of James Choi, who died in a live ammunition training exercise in Alberta.

Dang, that is a killer dress, and yes, mark your “Pearls” square. Freeland is appearing via video probably because she was recently exposed to Covid-19, as the app informed her. And mark your “Freeland’s papers go all the way across her desk” square. A woman after my own heart. Or work style, at least.

And now Minister Ng is up. Today is clearly Honorary Small Business Day, but when is it NOT in Ottawa? Sounds like SEO and building small business websites are going to be a growth industry for the short term at least. Woohoo! Monay for me! https://www.tradecommissioner.gc.ca/funding-financement/canexport/index.aspx Ugh, why do government sites have such ugly URLS?

Dr. Tam is reporting the stats, except Alberta because Alberta can’t get its shit together in time to report weekend results by Tuesday. Tories. She recommends a three layer mask: inner, outer, and filter. The Sister just gave me two of them, in fact, in truly Canadian buffalo check aka “The Arnprior Tuxedo” pattern. And I’ve GOT to put “The Three C’s” on the next bingo card.

Dr. Njoo is breaking up, so mark your “Technical Difficulties” square. It’s probably just my internet, but whatever. You get a square! And YOU get a square! AND YOU GET A SQUARE!!!

Oooh, button-down shirt! An excellent Sixth Generation square, methinks. Give me a few days.

And now we are off to the questions. Mark your “Touches face” square. I thought that would have been trained out of all of us by now.

Very interesting: first question is on the death of Colton Boushie. Trudeau says he’s met with the family and understands directly from them what the grieving process is like, and how painful the delay is in getting the report out.

There you go, your “PPE” square is active now. I have literally no idea how Trudeau keeps all these figures in his head: billions transferred to provinces, sent to Canadian individuals, tax breaks, etc. It’s the most I can do to keep track of my fingers and toes.

On a more trivial note: there’s your “Drinks water” square, and at some point the sign language interpreters swapped out again, so mark that square. I wonder why they do that. Does one of them break for lunch at 12 precisely?

We got THIS FAR without a question about the US election, or even a mention in passing? 45 minutes, give or take. Gob. Smacked. Trudeau stresses Canada’s collaborative approach against the pandemic vs the “politicized” response in the US, which is as close as we are gonna get to “Shades Trump” so mark that square.

And mark your “Flu vaccine” square, which is I think on the fifth generation card.

Inneresting question about whether or not the changes in the US are irrevocable. Trudeau responds that all countries change over time, and that Canada is keeping a keen eye on the changes in the US. Mentions the victory against Aluminum tariffs. “Obviously elections matter.” He says Canada is well-positioned to work with the us “regardless of the outcomes of tonight”. Which, if you remember he thwarted the Trump Bully Handshake AND the punitive tariffs, you gotta give it to him.

I wish @CPAC_TV would focus their cameras on the chairs rather than the covid signage on the desks, because the faces are fuzzy. Minister Freeland interrupts Trudeau to give what is clearly a speech she’s been DYING to deliver, on the small business and personal economic supports for the economy. Which are basically listed in this Finance Department press release.

• Over 3.8 million Canadians have had their jobs supported through the Canada Emergency Wage Subsidy, with over $45 billion paid out in subsidies as of October 25, 2020.
• Small- and medium-sized businesses are strongly represented in sectors — like food services (i.e. restaurants), hospitality, tourism, and transportation — which continue to be significantly affected by the virus and the measures taken to contain it.
• As of late October, the Government of Canada has approved over $2 billion in rent support, through the Canada Emergency Commercial Rent Assistance for small businesses. Rent assistance has helped over 138,000 small business tenants supporting 1.2 million jobs in Canada.
• The new rent subsidy would pick up where the previous program left off, delivering direct, targeted, and accessible rent support to qualifying organizations affected by COVID-19 without the need to work through their landlords. It would provide a subsidy for eligible fixed property expenses, including rent and interest on commercial mortgages. The announced program parameters would apply until December 19, 2020 with future parameters in 2021 to be adapted and targeted as needed.

And now @JustinTrudeau is out.

And there’s your “hostile reporter tries a patently stupid gotcha question” which really should be on the 6th Gen card, where the reporter asks Dr. Tam why the instructions on masks have changed. BECAUSE SCIENCE THAT’S WHY, MORON. She strains my self-control, but I manage, after struggling mightily, to avoid an F-bomb. Dr. Tam avoids getting testy and simply answers that we now know much more about how masks work, because they were not really studied before, and reiterates that fit is very important.

“Titrate” would be a good sixth generation card square. Dr. Tam says that if we do our part we will reduce the spread, and when we reduce the viral spread we can begin to re-open. So the responsibility for the reopening is pushed to individuals and their choices, rather than to government. Because individual choices are what overwhelmingly effect the spread.

That’s a wrap! Not only did I make it through the whole thing without a single F-bomb, but I also did a proper Twitter thread this time: ah, the power of good coffee! Now, can I get an rt from @CanadianPM @cafreeland or @CPHO_Canada ?