Category Archives: Celebrity

PSA: How to Become a Teen Heartthrob

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Teen Idol. How dreamy!A rather crushed (and 100% off-the-boat Chinese) friend of mine complains that the Vancouver Miss Chinatown competition has been won, the last ten consecutive years, by bananas who are half-Canuck, half-Chinese. She, an unsuccessful Miss Chinatown contestant herself, ascribes the blame to racist judges who prefer round-eyes.

But an ex of mine tells me that the real Chinese word for Whitey actually means "Big Nose." Which doesn't really parse with Miss Chinatown. Which has now been renamed "Teen Idol" for obviously racist reasons. Justin Timberlake is doubtless a strong write-in candidate.

Here, in a post for the ages, are the actual laws for becoming a teen idol, according to the photo editor of Tiger Beat. A sample of this immortal wisdom follows:

You need to have shaggy hair: From Leif Garrett to Jesse McCartney and Zac Efron (the heartthrob du jour) — teen girls love long, tousled, bed head looking shaggy haircuts. Girls imagine running their fingers through it. There really are not many teen heartthrobs out today who do not have a shaggy do.

You gotta have an interesting name: There are two kinds of names that teen heartthrobs have right now. They either have a really different name like Orlando Bloom or Zac Efron or Dylan and Cole (the Sprouse twins). If you have a boring simple name, then end it with "i" — James should be Jamie, Bob should be Bobby.

No girlfriend, but it is important to have celebrity friends: Our reader believes that one day she will meet you and will make you fall in love with her. If you have a girlfriend or a wife that illusion is completely killed. And you have to be open to dating a fan. That will keep the hope alive and make you more desirable. At the same time it is important to have as many celebrity platonic friends as possible and to be seen on the red carpet at charity events and to go to theme parks. Our reader loves to see her favorite heartthrob riding on rides with all the celebs she likes, but he's not attached. He's still open to be her boyfriend.

Leif Garrett, we hardly knew ye.

Welcome to the Blogroll: Project Opus

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A friend of mine is involved in this website, Project Opus, which connects independent musicians and fans. I'm not the world's greatest music fan, it must be said, having been traumatized by a polka trio when I was a small child, but I'm all for supporting things that support people who need supporting (is there a Bras for the Homeless organization out there somewhere?) so I'm all over this.

The Sweet Smell of Success

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Totally stole this entire thing, but since I stole it from two different sources it works out to being independently verified twice! So, yeah. So there!

America done right

 Sitting together on a train, travelling through the
Canadian Rockies,  were an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady,  and a young blond German girl with large breasts.
 
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand print on his cheek.  No one speaks.
 
The old Greek lady thinks: The American guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek. The German girl thinks: That American guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek. 

The American thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
 
The Canadian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the American again.

Internet Identity Theft, Impersonation, and Stalking by Proxy

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Internet Stalking. Lifelike shot, but where's the booze?A few of our longtime readers will recall the case of the New Zealand woman who impersonated Viggo Mortensen online for a couple of years. Actually, for all I know she's still doing it. But at the time I tried to make a few points about the illegality of posting information to the Internet which is designed to make people think you are someone else. Thanks to BoingBoing I've come across a nice article about all that and more here.

The data is sketchy; victims volunteered to fill out a questionnaire, and harasser data is, in most cases, provided by the harassed. But there are some insights. For example, increasing numbers of men appear to be applying for help, and overt threats of offline harm occurred in about a quarter of the cases last year.

In about half the cases, victim and perpetrator appear to be strangers. For the rest, it can be deeply, disturbingly personal. 

"With any new technology that comes along, you have the shadow of criminality that follows," Mr. Meloy said, although he added that the Internet, with all its distance and anonymity, provided a unique vehicle for the unleashing of hidden furies.

"It's a much more veiled, shielded, disinhibited way of communicating," Mr. Meloy said, "and much more raw in the expression of aggression."

the most dangerous hairstylist known to mankind

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Now this is a hairdresser with attitude! Bruno interviews the Ramboriffic Jonathan Antin.

"I'm just a troubled, crazy fuckin' maniac…You motherfuckers in the Middle East, God help you if I ever come over there, cuz I'll take all you cocksuckers out!"