Category Archives: Christianity

MP3 o’ the Day: The Rite of Exorcism

Posted on by

Now that’s what I call long-playing. Going since the zero-th century Daily Exorcise(BC and AD, although not AC or DC) and still popular. Here is the Catholic Rite of Exorcism, available for all your home exorcision needs.

From WFMU’s Beware of the Blog:

The Rite of Exorcism

Now that the dreaded date of 6/6/06 has passed seemingly without incident, will the apocalyptic religious hysteria (and the mockery thereof) cease?  Heavens, no!  Not if Beware of The Blog has anything to say about it.  And where would the God franchise be anyway without its archenemy and eternal whipping boy—Lucifer, the Bringer of Light?  Are we all so confident that “nothing happened” on June 6?  How could we possibly be?  Babies were born, to be sure—so we’ll see, I guess.

If, in the coming weeks, you find yourself speaking in unfamiliar, ancient tongues, exhibiting Tourette’s-like symptoms, or contorting your body in new, unusual ways (without the benefit of a Yoga class), you may in fact be in need of a ritual demonectomy—an exorcism—one of the oldest and most hushed ceremonies of the Christian church…

“Knowing when to exorcise and when to refer for psychiatric treatment is a nagging problem for priests.”  Wow.  And you thought the priesthood was a cakewalk.

The Rite of Exorcism Part the First

The Rite of Exorcism Part the Second

We assume no liability. We do, however, want to hear all about it after you try this at home. Kinda reminds me of that book “Sex for Dummies” in that Dummies, of all the people in the world, are the last ones who deserve or, for the sake of the species should be having, sex. Do-it-yourselfers, trundling happily around Rona or Home Depot or Canadian Tire, looking for calico cow stencils and whatever Debbie Travis told them to buy that day, are perhaps the last people on the planet who should be entrusted with the task of expelling demons.

They have power tools. And cow stencils. That’s all I’m saying.

it’s Bash America Day on the blog!

Posted on by

I may never run out of material!

This was brought to my attention when I abused America and Americans, repeatedly and at length, not omitting my catchphrase “My ancestors looted and burned the White House and I’m proud of them” plus much other assorted insultification … to an American. To her credit she was quite polite about it and if she did raise her voice in stereotypical American fashion I couldn’t tell, because it was email.

In any case, there is one American whom all right-thinking and good-doing persons will agree deserves a heapin’ helpin’ of stereotype-based abuse smackdown, even though she’s not fat, and that person is Ann Coulter.

Ann Coulter

Look what her fellow American, a commenter on Gawker, did to her just today:

I stole a cab from Ann Coulter after seeing her come out of an apartment building on the Upper East Side. She didn’t look happy, dressed in a yellow raincoat and hailing a cab and it was her dejected face that first caught my attention…when I realized who it was I decided I had to steal the cab even though I had no where to go…

Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is truly mean. I am in awe.

But wait, there’s more. Here’s Perez Hilton muse Kathy Griffin going straight for Coulter’s crispy, deep-fried jugular:

And what has the woman done to deserve this? Besides being that thin and still having bingo wing thighs and upper arms, you mean? Get thee to a treadmill, bitch; a hundred years ago you’d probably be doing five to fifteen on a treadmill somewhere anyway.

Remember the Ann Coulter video moment I alluded to the other day? I can take a lot. I read true crime and write horror stories for fun. I’ve seen corpses. I went on a date with a serial killer. But I had to click this video off just a few seconds into it, for reasons that will become obvious. It’s clear to me now just how appropriate it was for her to poop out her new polemetic on 6/6/6; if she’s not the Whore of Babylon, she’s certainly the Shrivelled Cunt of the Capitol.

Behold as Matt Lauer listens in horror as she relentlessly abuses the women who lost their husbands in 9/11. A hero for our times, that Ann.

Operation Global Media Domination: Dog Days

Posted on by

TIAOkay, so what did we learn from yesterday's Scooby adventures? That puppy posts fucking suck for hits.

To rectify the situation:

Clay Aiken and Michael Sandecki are, reports a source I never saw or heard of before, engaged and looking to get married in California before a ban goes into effect.

Does this have anything to do with dogs? Only 50/50 since Clay got that hawt makeover. Do I think it's true? Look, regardless of any and all sterling qualities that may be possessed by Michael Sandecki possibly including the ability to execute quarter-turns, after what Clay Aiken must have learned about fandom over the past few months Aiken would have to be wall-crawlingly, moon-howlingly, alien-talkingly and officially certifiably insane to even consider marrying one of his own fans.

And I speak as a fan.

ladies and gentlemen, The Doors

Posted on by

Oops, sorry. It was the Osmonds. But ya gotta admit the only way to tell was the dancing was better and the hairstyles worse. I’m pretty sure that’s Perez Hilton on the second solo. The funky chicken has never been rocked this hard.

Jay Osmond is the George Clinton of Utah!

President Evil

Posted on by

from Perez, who requests readers to check out this link, in his post yesterday about Dubya's proposed threat to marriage equality. Am keeping a close eye on this, for when the Americans eat a sandwich, it's Harper who ultimately shits it out. He's told us to expect this particular bolus of an initiative in the Fall, which I do hope is, in his case, allegorical.

President Evil