Otherwise known as a large serving of calamari. 

‘Please, please tell your readers they cannot come to see the squid unless they book.’

Done.

Archie is proving rather popular. Ah, I must have a lot of British readers! Could London be facing Calamari Riots if everyone can’t get in to see the Giant Squid? There’s a two-month waitinglist now; the next few weeks will determine the course of the Calamari Uprising. Enquiring minds want to know what’s going to happen; the placards are guaranteed to be Flickr-worthy.  Here is historical background on today’s Giant Squid story. And here is the latest Καλαμάρι Γίγαντας news.

Over the past four days thousands have arrived to see Archie, the giant squid, after news of his unveiling – in a tank of pickling fluid in the basement of the museum’s Darwin Centre – had been revealed in newspapers and on television. ‘You could get about 600 portions of calamari out of him,’ admitted one particularly pragmatic member of museum staff.

Apparently, emotions surrounding Archie the Giant Squid are running as high as the attendance. And no wonder: ain’t that beeyooteeful?

First, of course, they named it. Archie. Say it with me, folks: Archie. Sheer poetry, ain’t it? Short for Architeuthis dux of course. The starchy old scientists say Archie has some gender issues, being probably female although it is hard to tell, especially in some of the outfits they wear nowadays (hey, they’re starchy old scientists!), but as a good lefty I say the gender issue is society’s fault, always labelling individuals, particularly those individuals who dare to be different, even unique as Archie so obviously is. As is Archie, so obviously. And, indeed, have you seen some of the outfits they wear nowadays? Here’s a hint: the ones with the boobs hanging out of their camisoles are female; the ones with the moobs mashed down in too-tight polycotton shirts are nerds.

Nay, it is not for us to decide Archie’s gender, nor even Archie’s name although, to tell the truth, Archie looks a little butch to me and might just go with it. I will avoid cheap references to seafood’s distinctive scent and “lesbian potpourri.” Yes, I shall avoid all such references, for lo I am way classy.

 And so is Archie, for they have declared him/her to be a work of art. Ah, we are as of one mind in this.

“We contacted Damien Hirst‘s group after seeing their animals preserved in formalin,” explained Mr Ablett.

Beauty, eh?