Category Archives: Culture

image-ine that!

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The British have the best elections. They have the best political scandals, too. Who could forget the Conservative (at least apparently conservative) morals watchdog who was found dead, wearing nothing more than fishnets, a garter belt, and some lube, having essentially blissed himself to death on the kitchen table during a discreet sexual encounter with a vacuum cleaner? Gotta luv it. Oh, right, the orange was implicated, although never charged. Bigger isn’t always better; remember that, size queens!

They’ve just elected Sir Ming as the leader of the Liberal Democrats.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’d totally vote for a guy named “Sir Ming.” I mean, it’s that or be enslaved on his secret island lair, right? Well okay, I do have some principles: I’d only vote for him if he wore the outfit.

Sir Ming the Magnificent 

Much better than pudgy Captain America here:

Captain America 

It is true what they say about overweight Americans; he’s got muffin tops!

But if this were a three-way race, one must admit that one would, without hesitation, ditch those two pussies and vote for This Bitch:

Theda Bara

I mean, I dunno who she is. I dunno what she stands for. But I don’t care!

She brings to mind what Mistress Cowfish said about the White Witch of Narnia, to whit: “You’re so evil! And soooooooo cool!”

Remember, Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

But it rocks absolutely, too.

In the meantime, for those of you who care about platforms of moderate liberal parties, we present the musings of Ming the Elected:

We are the real liberals

My party, unlike the others, believes in human rights, social justice and the fight against inequality

Menzies Campbell
Saturday March 4, 2006
The Guardian
Everyone claims to be a liberal these days. Commentators warn that our opponents are crowding us Liberal Democrats out of our traditional ground and allege that we are losing our unique selling point.

I have been a liberal all my adult life, so I know what liberalism represents. It is encouraging that our opponents want to masquerade as liberals. It demonstrates that they realise where the sentiments of the majority of British people lie. The problem is that neither Labour nor the Conservatives have the slightest grasp of what it means to be a liberal. That is why they will fail to match their rhetoric with action.

Much of the agenda of the current government runs directly counter to liberal principles. Liberals believe in international law. The government was prepared to flout it in their support for the war in Iraq. They continue to flout it in their acquiescence in the disturbing practice of rendition.

Liberals believe in human rights. Human rights are being flouted in Guantánamo, where prisoners are denied due process. The prime minister calls the situation an anomaly. Liberals know that it is an outrage.

The government not only tolerates human rights abuse by the US: it is an abuser itself. ID cards are an affront to human rights. So was the treatment of the heckler at the Labour party conference who was arrested as a terror suspect. So was the arrest of the woman who read out the names in Whitehall of British soldiers killed in Iraq.

Liberals believe in creating a fairer society, in which individuals have the opportunity to make the most of their talents. Britain has become a more unequal country since Labour came to power. Income, social origin and educational background determine success more now even than they did during the Conservative years.

Labour has a poor record on social justice. According to the charity Shelter, one in 12 children is likely to develop asthma, TB or bronchitis because of poor housing. Over a million children live in slums. The government has failed to understand the fact that sub-standard housing is the root cause of so much poor health and low educational attainment.

There is less social mobility than there was when I was a child growing up in Glasgow. This is a waste of talent and ability. It is holding back the prosperity of our country. A liberal Britain would not tolerate this state of affairs. A liberal Britain would develop a welfare system which built a society secure against poverty, founded on opportunity, and embracing responsibility and incentives to work and save.

Liberals believe that the environment should be at the centre of our thinking. That means developing proposals to change individual behaviour. It means changing the taxation system so that it rewards environmentally friendly behaviour, and penalises environmentally damaging behaviour. Labour’s contribution is disappointing – hot air, hand wringing and missed targets.

Liberals believe in localism: giving greater responsibility to locally elected representatives and more power to local communities. Under Labour, we have seen the centralisation of public life. Citizens feel increasingly powerless. Public services controlled by officialdom are out of touch and remote.

David Cameron’s claim to the liberal mantle is no more plausible than the government’s. We cannot be forced to believe that it is year zero and that the recent past never happened. Was David Cameron not the author of the 2005 Conservative manifesto, the most reactionary of modern times? Was he not the brains behind Black Wednesday?

Even now, the Conservative outlook runs directly counter to liberal values. The party which supported the Iraq war is now sending its emissaries over to the US to restore its links with the neocon right of the Republican party. Meanwhile in Europe, it is detaching itself from the mainstream Christian Democrat centre-right to seek alliances with a ragbag of extremists.

Britain’s need for a genuine liberal party has never been greater. That is why I am determined to lead the Liberal Democrats towards government, to make Britain a freer, fairer, greener place in which to live. That means that the party has to change. It has to develop new ideas and refine existing ones. The proposals before our conference to separate the Royal Mail from the Post Office and give its employees a stake in the company are a case in point. This is not Thatcherite privatisation. It is a liberal reform. Its innovative approach to ownership is in line with the long-held liberal belief in employee share ownership.

We need to make our party more inclusive. I have proposed a trust fund to provide the resources to enable more women and members of ethnic minorities to become parliamentary candidates. Liberal Democrats now represent urban and rural constituencies of all types in all parts of Britain, unlike the Conservatives who have shrunk to a party of the English shires. We will best represent Britain when we are representative of Britain.

I promise my party anything but a quiet life. With clear vision, commitment, and the talent that we now have in our parliamentary party, there is no limit to what we can achieve.

Ming Martini

· Menzies Campbell is the leader of the Liberal Democrats

Gay Pirate Day

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Gay Pirate Party 

Today in Blog News, we announce Gay Pirate Day, since everything posted pretty much has to do with Gaydom or Piracy, which is itself weird as I am neither, although I always wanted to grow up to be a privateer. But now, in light of Gay Pirate Day, one wonders if Privateers are to Pirates as Mouseketeers are to Porny Popstars…

Unlike most day-announcing agencies, we announce this only long after it has become apparent, rather than in advance. We support and encourage the development of “Beginner’s Mind,” the Zen state of having no preconceptions. This, too, is handy, because it means I don’t declare it Fishstick Day right off the bat and lose interest five minutes later and post about racehorses, which sort of thing happens ver

Ooooh, what’s that over there…

Carry on.

Hunky Gay Pirate

Questionnaires of Pensacola

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He’s back!

Rance 

Questions heartlessly stolen from Rance which you can find over there on the right in the Blogroll. You could read the story to get the context for these questions, but since I didn’t even do that in school I see no reason to start at my advanced age. To get the context for Rance, well, that’s a whole other kettle of kippers.

1) Is the glass half empty, or half full?

The glass is imaginary, therefore this question, like all life, is meaningless. Cheers!

2) (Other than Bolidar), does true evil exist? Explain.

But is Bolidar true or false? Evil can never be true, only false; we know this a priori; if Bolidar is evil, then Bolidar is false. It’s true. But then, this is a work of fiction, which is false. This, also, is true. Discuss. Isn’t this the question they asked Norman the android on that old episode of Star Trek?

3) Isaac and Morgan are convicted of numerous crimes, including “swimming to far from shore.” Have you ever been convicted of a crime? Should you have been?

But where is “far from shore” and why isn’t it capitalized? It’s close enough to swim to, though, so it must be around here somewhere. I can’t swim very far, so I’m gonna assume it’s within my striking distance, as most fictional authors want their readers to identify somewhat with the characters; therefore, “far from shore” must be Granville Island, which is about how far I can swim if I start from the north side of False Creek. But swimming isn’t a crime in Vancouver, although False Creek itself is a crime against Nature, but a very pretty one at that. Have I ever been convicted of a crime? Nobody, ever, in the history of the world, has even accused me of having convictions! Faugh! I laugh in your face…wherever it is. Consider it laughed in. Heartily.

Hey, when did Dave Eggers take over my brain?

4) What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever heard a bird say?

“The mynahs are on sale.” No, really, it was some gawdy, pimped-out macaw in a Surrey mall. Can you imagine ratting out the fellow avians to turn a quick buck? In his last incarnation this fine feathered Fagin was, no doubt, a Somali slave dealer. And in his next? Stage parent. 

5) Haiki sounds like it should be the plural form of haiku. Write a PoP related haiku.

The cashier had bad
hayfever, no sense of smell
But could see garlic.

I was in retail far too long. PoP=Point of Purchase=till. The haiku is also, however, Pirates of Pensacola-related in that I wouldn’t have written about a stuffed-up till monkey if not for the questionnaire, so there ya go. I shoulda bin a lawer. Note, please, subtle classical Japanese reference to the season, cloaked within an evocative noun. I be subtizzle, yo.

6) A character is described as “Not the brightest bulb anywhere there are bulbs.” What’s you favorite euphemism for “stupid”?

I rarely euphemize. I prefer to euthanize, ie make my first blow a stunning one, so that the victim does not feel pain, is not even aware of the attack, until much later, preferably in a subsequent lifetime when the victim is a life form which is much smaller and, therefore, unable to kick my ass. If pressed, I’d have to say “Knucklewalking” though. If you press me again, however, I’ll bop you one.

7) As a child, were you good at hide & seek? What was your favorite hiding place?

Bali. In fact, it’s my favorite hiding place now. Some day I may even get there. If pressed (there it is again!) I do take refuge in the realm of the imagination, where nobody expects to find me.

God, when did PeterPan take over my brain?

8) What was the most misguided act of chivalry you’ve seen? Is chivalry dead? Should it be?

I have an alibi and no further comment at this time.

9) Where was the elusive hiding place of the key to the Sea Patrol boat?

The key to the Sea Patrol boat is that it works even if you just use oars. That’s the real key.

10) Do you have any tattoos? Details, please.

Details? You are gay!

For the Defence

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The fact that I am on his side in a battle to the apparent death with a group of crazed fandom should give John Paulus pause.

It should, actually, give him the willies, but he doesn’t know the history there.

So, who is John Paulus? He’s some American guy. I don’t know what he used to do for a living, but I know he has a porn deal now. I know he’s a very steadfast character, and he’s not greedy. I know if I were in a dark alley facing an unknown number of foes, I’d like to have a John Paulus or two on my side. How do I know anything about John Paulus?

Clay Aiken‘s fans went apeshit on him.

Apeshit fans, flamewars, fame, tabloids, lawyers, secret passions: this has “raincoaster” written all over it.

So the back story, as far as I can make out, which is hardly, since the only time I ever watched American Idol was the other night, over the calamari and Mango Madness before Narnia, so I missed Clay Aiken entirely except that I know he didn’t even win and he’s the only famous loser of American Idol, and he has a record coming out this year which has been jeopardized by the whole scandale, is this:

Apparently, John Paulus and Clay Aiken got together and had sex.

That’s it, pretty much. John told, as people who have sex are wont to do, particularly when they have sex with famous people whose record companies would very much like to hint that they are not having sex with people called John, but instead “he just hasn’t found the right girl yet.” John didn’t take any money for telling the story, and he hasn’t changed any of the details of the story since it broke. And he isn’t backing down, despite some rather…pointed…remarks from certain fans known as Claymates (this is ironic, isn’t it? They must not be as literal-minded as I am). Not all the Claymates are wingnuts, but there are enough that I can hear the flapping noises from Canada!

Clay Aiken never actually said he was straight. He’s never said he was gay either, and he hasn’t actually gone and said “John Paulus is wrong,” either, which is interesting. He has posted on his blog (for access to which he charges money) about something that he says is “real,” leading everyone to conclude there are things going around about him which are not real, which, as anyone who knows anything about fandom and fame knows, is by definition true. The lies could be that he’s gay; they could be that he’s straight; they could be that his favorite colour is…whatever. He’s famous, and therefore there are a lot of lies going around about him, true ’nuff. Hell, Viggo Mortensen has been known to complain about lies going around about him that originated with…himself! (Happy Halloween, Viggo!)

Right now the defenders of Clay’s honour are spreading the rumour that it wasn’t Clay on the webcam at all, but some trannie named Coti (again, that’s as I understand it; don’t actually have time to read all 937 comments) and also that John couldn’t have been with Clay because John is straight, to which John says:

if I had a girlfriend please ask her to provide a picture of the two of us together. I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting. If you know something to the contrary I am sure that the National Enquirer would be more than happy to hear your story. I would encourage you to do it. Remember they require you take a lie detector test. Here’s the contact: Abutterfield@nationalenquirer.com.

I’m that confident in myself.

[see why I like this guy?]

You know what’s really entertaining is that Clay knows that he and I were together; he knows that’s him in the webcam as well, but that his fans are saying that he looks like some drag queen named Coti. Clay don’t take it to heart and don’t feel insulted that your fans think you are a female impersonator.

Check out some of the fan posts:

This one is pretty grounded:

I hope that there are more fans like me out there, fans who love the voice, don’t give a crap whether he’s gay or straight, and only worry about this story because his high-risk behavior sounds dangerous. Obviously Clay doesn’t think there are many reasonable fans, but I still think they exist. The bottom line is that Clay can sing and can entertain and it would be a shame if his career were cut short because of this. That said, none of us has any right to demand that he say something or say nothing or that he prove anything other than the fact that he is singing. Insanity

And then there is:

matthew shepard was a killed
very sadly many americans felt he deserved it
umbelievalbe and shameful
does clay really deserve all this

Posted by: totallydifferentanswerthanyesterday whom I am wondering if s/he is asking for Clay to be “a killed” too? And shouldn’t that be “a kilt”? Jez askin’.

Also:

give ME a bed, a toilet and Clay Aiken (with room service for food occassionally) – and I’m pretty much set for life. I don’t want or need anything else. CLAY – call me – you got my number Posted by: ForClayOnly, pretty standard stuff except the part later about getting a dick if that’s what Clay wanted…ew. And…You will NEVER poison OUR minds against Clay, because we LOVE him with a passion you can not hardly begin to comprehend. You would have to have a HEART first…Clay’s blog was NOT patronizing. He likes to give us fun little tests. He is a teacher, remember? It’s fun for him to see who among us can figure it out – and it’s fun for us to try.

Once the meds kick in. Remember, you can’t channel the light until you take the helmet off.

And some posts from John Paulus:

Everything I stated about Clay was fact and truth. The story been floated here about me and some drag queen that I have never met are a fabrication. Claymates you’ve shot yourselves in the foot over the last two months and I have a very funny feeling your[sic] about to shoot yourselves in the head.

You can call me a whore, slut, liar, and accuse me of being a pathetic person. You have a right to your opinion. But, when Claymates make accusations that claim I am involved with drugs- well that crosses the line. Nothing I have stated about Clay was fabricated or concocted. I shared an experience. Also you wrote “John took it way too far in outing Clay in order to start a porn career.” I DID NOT OUT Clay in order to start a porn career. That is a very very false statement. I did a porno only after I lost my job in Real Estate and I have had offers to do porn since 1995.

What’s particularly interesting about this flamewar (besides the fact it is routinely responsible for 10 or so hits on my blog, but that’s only of interest to me) is the vehemence with which significant numbers of the Claymates defend their particular, and rather limited, vision of Clay. Essentially, if he is not exactly as they conceive him to be, he might as well not exist and could, in my estimation, be in some degree of actual danger. I think, under those circumstances, we can all understand anyone’s reluctance to open up the closet door and yell “Surprise!”

Square Office

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I’m wondering, in what they themselves call “The CEO Presidency,” if they have those stupid motivational posters up on all the walls. You know the ones: beautifully photographed rowers, eagles, mountain climbers, etc, with some sort of corporately uplifting blahblah about “Empowerment” or “Teamwork” or some such “you are now required not only to sell your labour, but also your heart and soul” taurine scat.

Listening to: “Look at all these idiots” by Mr. Burns, from the album The Simpsons Sing the Blues

Mood: Cranky. Wanna make something of it?

Honestly, if more people went to church or temple or actual mountain-climbing, fewer people would feel the need to find the meaning of life in the business pages. It reminds one of the old saying “Be all you’re told to be.”

Yeah, definitely cranky. And I’m not even hung over.

But one wonders, one does, what kind of posters Cheney has on his wall. I’ve always wanted an office with a waiting room, just so I could mindfuck the people in it; don’t kid yourself, that is what waiting rooms are for. Just ask any receptionist.  I’d hang something plausible-looking from Despair.com on the walls, perhaps my favorite, this one:

Dreams

Scatter around a few books like Bad Postcards, Waiting for Godot, some Philip K. Dick, maybe a few tattered copies of the Journal of Irreproduceable Results, and watch their heads slowly melt under the onslaught. I’m a big meanie.

But What Would Cheney Hang? Besides Democrats?

As I’ve pointed out before, Whittington gave the Republican party $6,500 last year; this is obviously insufficient to protect you against being actually shot by the Vice President. I would suggest setting the floor for donations at about ten k, just to be safe. When faced with a man of such obvious outcome-based orientation, what can we suppose he’d favour to look upon?

Mene, mene, tekel upharsin. 

NAH.

This:

 

Power Corrupts Yay