Category Archives: Entertainment

Tom Cruise will eat your placenta, bitch!

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The Fuggers have done it again. Gawd, I love those bitches. And, since my partner in literary snark also ran off to get married, I feel a spiritual kinship to them.

Now, if only I could write something half as funny as this. Alas, it's probably just the Bombay Sapphire that's holding me back. Yeah, that's it. Tom thinks I need more … vitamins:

Mission Unfuggable III: A Play In Three Acts

ACT ONE: THE SURPRISE ARRIVAL

Tom Cruise sneaks up on PSH to eat his placenta

The Place: The Mission Impossible III junket in Rome.  Unbeknownst to Philip Seymour Hoffman, his placid afternoon of talking to journalists about the role America's been dying to see him in — as the Man Who Beats the Shit Out of Tom Cruise — is about to be interupted by none other than Tom Cruise HIMSELF…

But Tom is not alone. He has brought three things: his weird new bangs, his tight girl jeans, and his total divorce from reality.  He thinks,  "AT LAST! I have arrived to SAVE THIS PRESS JUNKET! I can just sneak up behind Hoffman and SAVE THESE GLIB JOURNALISTS FROM HIS REIGN OF TERROR If I'm very, very quiet, HE'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT HIM. I'M A HERO! AGAIN!"Tom Cruise Psych

I think Act Two is my favorite. Yep, this one is up there with the Lindsay Lohan/Sharon Stone Drunk post from Oscar night.

The Day the Clown Smiled

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Boomchucka, Jerusalem 

Well thank god somebody did it. Stomped the hell out of the atrocity that is Jerry Lewis' The Day the Clown Cried. About bloody time, too. The tradition of the clown has been vindicated. Thanks to Psimon of the BoJo Blog for this info on the Boomchucka Circus:

Chillyboo…Chillybah…Chilly bye byes…1st April 2006 Well it's all over now, over 50 shows in 3 months on a shoestring budget!!! Personally for me,It's been amazing, any doubts that I had about coming and doing Circus here have been blown away big time, so thanks to Jo Wilding and Boomchucka I now I have more reasons than ever to do this again, PS We would like to assure anyone who wants to join us in the future that no clowns were hurt during the making of this Circus, any rumours are not true and may involve large amounts of alcohol ;o-)

Yes, all very ordinary until you realize those 50 shows took place in Palestine and Israel. Before that? Iraq. The Clowns Must Be Crazy!

Boomchucka Bethlehem

From The Economist:

THE Jenin refugee compound, more than 50 years old and one of the oldest camps in Palestine, is home to 13,000 people, half of them under 15. It was the centre of some of the fiercest fighting during the second intifada, and even today many of its schools remain closed. When Israeli soldiers used to enter the camp, the children would automatically put down their schoolbooks and pick up stones… Boomchucka Circus, formerly Circus2Iraq, has been touring Israel and Palestine for two months. Originally from Britain, it is made up of six fools who answered an advertisement last November looking for performers to create a circus show for children living on both sides of the conflict. For the children, the show is a new experience: a humorous, high-energy piece of foolish theatre that transcends the boundaries of culture, language, age and race. But there are lessons for the actors as well. The troupe operates as a collective, with each clown funding his own way. Riding on buses, eating handouts on the street and sleeping on floors, often in return for nothing more than the offer of a chance to learn a little sleight of hand, has given the six actors a clearer insight into the daily lives of the local people and the reality of trying to conduct a relatively normal existence within a war zone than any number of subscriptions to 24-hour television ever could.

Perhaps the politicians should sign up for the tour.

Boomchucka, Jenin Refugee Camp

Republican Jesus Speaks

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And he sounds just like Oprah! Stolen from Jesus' General, a site whose comments section kicks the heathen ass of virtually every other comments section in the blogosphere, and I can prove it. And the General, like all right-thinking men, loves Trailer Park Boys. If I find out he's actually George Stephanopoulous, I may have to get out the Acme Stalker Kit. Kidding! I never put it away!

Republican Jesus

Proof that the General's troops are channelling divine wisdom:

Max Shrubby

Deciderata

Don’t go placidly; create noise and haste,
And remember, what? Peace there may be in leaks.
As far as possible never surrender and
Be on bad terms with all persons.
Speak your lies quietly and clearly to Novak;
And don’t listen to others,
Even though you are dull and ignorant;
You too have a story but have suppressed it or you’d be in prison.
Hang out with loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the dems. Compare yourself with others, you vain and bitter chimp; for always there will be greater persons than yourself. You haven’t achieved crap with your plans.
Stay bored in your own career, try not to stumble; in your case it is not a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Abandon caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery, anyway, so why worry ‘cause the debt will be $10 trillion before you plow this country into the ground. You are blinded to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals which you ignore; and everywhere life is full of heroism because of your bad, false decisions.
You can’t be yourself. You used to get away with feigning affection. You are cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass you used to smoke.
Ignore the advice of intelligent generals; ride your bike and listen to your ipod – bike around the world while you’re at it. You act like a baby in sudden misfortune. Distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond an unwholesome discipline, go rough on yourself ‘cause you deserve it.
You are a C student of the university, MBAs know less than the trees and the TV stars; you don’t have a right to be here, but somehow you swam out of your dad’s ball sack. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should and Fitz is going to take the rest of your staff for a little ride to Algoa or similar prison for the rubber glove cavity search.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Her to be, and whatever your labors and assolation, in the noisy confusion of life keep a piece within reach.
With all the sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, you have projected on this country; it will be a beautiful world once you are out of office. Cheerful? You’re the lamest lame duck. Quack!
Major McBug

Operation Global Media Domination: Politics Day

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TIAToday, as you may have noticed, was Politics Day at the ol' raincoaster blog. And, surprisingly, I find that the only thing which out-pulls sex and/or curling (curling porn was a top search, btw) is politics. Glad I found something that did. Getting a wee bit tired of the eedjuts coming to this blog via searches for "Mango Porn."

I am indeed a famewhore of the highest order (the lower orders have to sit on the unshaded side of the temple and stick to beige robes) but even I am not gonna be rooting for more dead Canadian soldiers or pissy, self-serving and moronic Tory policies from the remarkably lifelike Stephen Harper or the remarkably simian George W. Bush. Although I do admit a peculiar fondness for the video of that funny little Chaplin impersonator and that funny Turko-American writer fellow.

At last, a CIA program even *I* can support!

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Russia, from the CIA factbook

No, seriously. Thanks to my beloved paranoiacs at Cryptome I’ve found a CIA program I can actually support. Cheer. Rip off, even. And I encourage you and everyone you know to do the same.

George C. Minden, who for 37 years ran a secret American program that put 10 million Western books and magazines in the hands of intellectuals and professionals in Eastern Europe and the Soviet Union, died on April 9 at his home in Manhattan. He was 85.

Captain Freedom (who, by the way, was censored by Photobucket)Mr. Minden was president of the International Literary Center, an organization financed by the Central Intelligence Agency, which tried to win influential friends by giving them reading material unavailable in their own countries. The material ranged from dictionaries, medical texts and novels by Joyce and Nabokov to art museum catalogs and Parisian fashion magazines.

The people who received the reading matter were generally Communists or professionals and intellectuals working for Communist regimes. They thought the books were being donated by Western publishers and cultural organizations.

The C.I.A.’s purpose was to offer an alternative, culturally engaging reality that had the implicit effect of promoting Western culture. Mr. Minden did not see a need to bluntly refute Marxist dogma, on the theory that people could use common sense and their own observations to reject Communist arguments.

The project became something of a personalized book club; files were kept on recipients’ reading tastes, so as to better satisfy them in the future.

Hmmmm, I always wondered about the forehead from which Amazon sprang, fully-formed…now we know. 

Mr. Minden wrote in an internal memo that the West‘s main obstacle was “not Marxist obstacles, but a vacuum,” and that “what is needed is something against frustration and stultification, against a life full of omissions.”

Proselytizing for freedom of choice and independence of thought sounds like a pretty noble set of goals for the CIA, and they deserve a big hand for undertaking this project. Let’s keep the dream alive by doing this on our own, shall we? You know that’s what Minden would have wanted.

Suggested targets of this consciousness-raising guerrilla intelligence action include: Cuba, Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, Russia, China, Indonesia, the Sudan, Uganda, and the United States of America.

Hu and Bush, Heckler and Gitmo