Category Archives: Fans

the Lord of the Rinks

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Fellowship of the RingHave you ever wondered what would have happened if Stuart Townsend had not been fired from The Lord of the Rings shoot and replaced with Viggo Mortensen? Wondered, perhaps, how the film would have been different with Cher, perhaps, instead of Cate Blanchett as Galadriel? Or perhaps your thoughts turn to more slackerish, dark corners. What if, ferinstance, Kevin Smith directed Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, Jerry Seinfeld, and Jason Lee as the Fellowship of the Ring.

Here is your answer.

The Council of Elrond demands

The Lord of the Rings: Tolkien Re-Told
The Council of Elrond

As directed by Kevin Smith

Editor’s Note: We do not have full editorial control over what Hollywood’s brightest minds do and do not write. Therefore, the following scripts contain language which is inappropriate for some readers. User discretion is advised.

Jerry Seinfeld as ELROND
Jason Mewes as JAY…er, GANDALF
Kevin Smith as SILENT GIMLI
Ben Affleck as ARAGORN
Matt Damon as BOROMIR
Jason Lee as FRODO
Joey Lauren Adams as LEGOLAS
Shannon Doherty as GLORFINDEL

ELROND
So what’s the deal with the One Ring? I mean, you have all this power, and you put it in one ring? That makes no sense! It’s like buildings. I mean, why do they call it a building, anyway? If it’s finished, isn’t it already built? And why–

ARAGORN
(smoking)
There IS more than one ring. “Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die-”

BOROMIR
(smoking)
Why do you always get all the good fucking lines? You’ve been pulling this shit ever since that cheesy monologue at the end of Good Will Hunting.

ARAGORN
(smoking)
Look, it’s not my fault your most memorable piece of dialogue is “How you like them apples.” I wanted to make that an action movie.

BOROMIR
(smoking)
Yeah, we’ve seen how well you did with that, Pearl Harbor-boy.

ARAGORN
(smoking)
Hey, time’s going to tell on that one, OK…

JAY…er, GANDALF
Yo, so let’s figure out how we’re gonna get rid of this fucking ring, yo.

GLORFINDEL
(smoking)
Shouldn’t we ask Saruman about this? And by the way, whatever happened to me?

JAY…er, GANDALF

No can do, lovely hoochie. Check this shit: I tried to talk to that motherfucker Saruman the White, but his robe was all multi-colored and shit. Then he tried to lock me in his tower, but I busted out the mad, phat magic on his ass. Serves him right for trying to mess with my homies. Snoogans.

Word.

The Fellowship of the Lego

Danth a little clother to…CHARO!!!

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Yeah, maybe. But you and I both know you’ll watch it when nobody’s looking.
The greatest flamenco guitarist of her generation, and this is what she’ll go down in history for. I no longer feel underappreciated, relatively speaking.

I am also heartened to see that even seasoned Vegas performers and Love Boat semi-regulars have great difficulty dancing in those stupid heels. Bars should have shoe caddies under the tables so you can swap to flats for hitting the floor.

Star Trek Cribs: The Next Generation

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As requested, the Director’s Cut

Star Trek Cribs

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What the hell, everyone else has posted it.

My Summer Vacation: Part the Second

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  • Enjoyed a long display of over a hundred of mine host’s wedding photos, with detailed commentary, despite the fact that I was at the wedding and am, indeed, featured in about 25% of the photos. But the babies dancing are cute.
  • Led an animated discussion on the merits of the elephant versus the rabbit vibrator, pointing out obvious advantages of the former, to which Metro replied, “You know why elephants don’t pick their noses? Because where are you going to hide a 30-pound booger.”
  • Devoured at least 750 ml of Sauvignon Blanc, followed up with some kind of pilsner, which is the order in which one should consume them, as by the time the gas from the beer has hit, one and one’s entourage are far too drunk to actually care anymore.
  • Hit the mall. Trust me, in this town, that’s a big deal. Blogworthy indeed.
  • Acquainted mine hosts with the fact that one of the premiere scrapbookers in the U.S. of A. is Blair, from Facts of Life, blogger Lisa Whelchel herself. Her blog’s not half bad, by the way, if you can stand happy Christian housewife types.
  • Missed the Gawker Kristallnacht entirely. Bugger. Jessica‘s a better writer than Jesse, and snarkier, but what they really need is a proofreader, not a co-editor. Unless they’re still hiring. HI, NICK! Darling…
  • Had nothing more than a crust of bread for breakfast AND lunch this morning. Shocking, really. Metro and Master Cowfish have a lot to answer for. For which to answer. Whatever.
  • I’ve finally had it with middle-aged men who want to get into blogging but who insist on having their assistants do the writing, and subsequently letting the post ripen in their email inbox for a week, after which it is run through a character and interest removal algorithm before being posted, because they want to be part of this “New Media Thang.” Bust a sphincter, post a first draft, and see if your world really is insecure enough to fall apart as a direct result. Surprise me; I don’t think your life is that interesting.
  • Getting cranky, time for bed.