the zoology of Japanese movie monsters

Rodan, dissected 

Here’s another great pass-along from DefrostIndoors, who surely should be making better use of her time than feeding increasingly bizarre and amusing fodder to the ol’ raincoaster blog. I mean, you’d think, right?

But she’s not and for that we give thanks.

So here, without another moment’s delay, is an interesting page dedicated to a study of the biology of Kaiju, Japanese movie monsters. Truly, unlocking Godzilla‘s energy-generation secrets could fill the Earth’s power needs in an ecosensitive and holistic way, wiping from the face of the planet the abomination that is open pit mining, eliminating the latent threat of nuclear waste, and preventing the emission of greenhouse gasses.

Yes, Godzilla Power is in accordance with the Kyoto Protocols.

Kaiju-biology (“kaiju” is japanese for “monster”) is simply the study of large monsters that seem to attack Japan with startling regularity. Although the first giant monster to attack Japan did so in 1954 (Godzilla), it was disintegrated by Dr. Serizawa’s Oxygen Destroyer weapon leaving no tissue samples to study. Since that time, however, the field of Kaiju-Biology has grown from being a bunch of nutty old professors making up crazy theories just to publish papers and justify their funding into a fully-fledged interdisciplinary science bringing together top researchers in biology, nuclear science, theoretical physics, and robotics. Advances in Kaiju-Biology not only have the immediate applicability of defending against Godzilla raids but also help lay the technological basis for many great Japanese gizmos! (now you know why Japan leads the world in electronics!)

It would be impossible to list all the great advances made in Kaiju-Biology over the last 10 years on this WWW page, but hopefully this will give you a flavor of this unique field of research. Employment opportunities in Kaiju-Biology are expected to continue their current increase into the near future so study hard and someday you may be Godzilla’s greatest enemy!

I dunno about you, but I’m on a job search. This is one field that has my name on it; what’s Japanese for “Frankenstein“?

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the dreaded Blue Screen of Cthulhu

Whenever you see this, the unspeakable Blue Screen of Cthulhu, be sure to place an immediate call to Yog Sysop.

Blue Screen of Cthulhu!

Fortunately, there’s a way to protect your vulnerable computer from infection by rogue shoggoths, atavistic aquatic DNA manifestations, pesky lone wolf journalists, interfering Ivy League professors, and other catastrophic events which interfere with the normal day-to-day operations of your Cthulhu Cultists.

Yes, it’s Shub Niggurath Systemworks:

Shub Niggurath System Works

– AntiVirus to protect your system from infection once Cthulhu has his way with it.

– CrashGuard prevents the Blue Screen Of Cthulhu.

– Cleansweep clears away all those nasty, unwanted system shoggoths.

– Web Services helps with any problems you may have with Yog Sysop.

Comes in yellow sign colored packaging.

What are you waiting for? Get off your f’tagn ass,

and go buy. . .

Shub Niggurath Systemworks 2000

Your system, and your very soul, just mind[sic?] depend on it.

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bisexual bat sex demon attack prevention

Frank Frazetta's Frankenstein and Dracula 

Well, that title should draw the Buffy fans like flies.

The BBC reports that men in Tanzania live in constant fear of being attacked and raped by a bisexual demon in the form of a giant bat.

The story goes that the bat is able to transform itself into a man at night and it has also been blamed for rapes of women.

Sheikh Yahya Hussein, a prominent astrologer in Tanzania, claims that the demon is a spirit that is unleashed by witches to torment their opponents.

Naturally, in an effort to prevent such attacks, the men are sleeping rough (it being, presumably, well-known that sex-crazed bat-shaped demons have difficulty performing when they’re out in the open and prefer a more intimate setting for their acts of incubation/incubattery) and, of course, smearing themselves with lardons, which has the not-entirely-welcome effect of repelling gay bat sex demons yet attracting Mario Batali and his fingerling.

Also, no sightings of said sex-crazed bat demon have in fact been reported in Tanzania at all. So ask yourself…have any sightings been reported around here? We will pause while you check the local paper.

And since the Tanzanian protections have so far proven 100% effective at deterring sex-crazed bat demon attacks, perhaps you should start thinking about the practicalities.

Just to be safe, get out the Crisco and the hammock. After all, you don’t want anyone thinking you were asking for it.

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blogging about squid is like dancing about Archyteuthis

No, seriously. That’s really funny if you know your Squid and your modern quotations.

Squid, baby. This is what it looks like.

Well, the Kiwis have finally done it: landed the Calamari Colossal, the King of Squid, or perhaps we should say the Prince Consort of Squid, the female of the species being deadlier, weightier, and – er – sizier than the male in the case of the Colossal Squid, Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni.

New Zealand Fisheries Minister Jim Anderton said the squid, weighing an estimated 450 kilograms (990 pounds), took two hours to land in Antarctic waters.

The fishermen were catching Patagonian toothfish south of New Zealand “and the squid was eating a hooked toothfish when it was hauled from the deep,” he said.

Colossal squid, known by the scientific name Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni, are estimated to grow up to 14 meters (46 feet) long and have long been one of the most mysterious creatures of the deep ocean.

Archie hints that servants of the Elder Gods are behind a sinister plot…indeed, who is to say that the Great Cthulhu did not send his minion to reel in some Kiwis, but was instead distracted by the toothsome toothfish and, while so distracted and munching thereupon, hauled ignominiously to the surface and then tossed in the freezer with the rest of the entrees-to-be.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. It is interesting to note that the YouTube videos feature names like “Huge Colossal Squid Caught,” as if there were a smaller kind of, uh, Colossal Fucking Squid, say the Moderately Colossal Squid or the Petite Colossal Squid. Or just the Coloss-ish Squid.

Video of this unmistakably Colossal Colossal Squid after the jump. And thanks to everyone who prodded me to blog about this, starting with Juvenal, Timethief, and Archie. As Juvenal remarked in the comments section on this very blog, it’s a strange and interconnected world we live in when a British man wakes up, checks BBC, and the first thing he thinks to do is email a Canadian he’s never met about some Antarctic squid.

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Continue reading

Nosfer-eye-tu

Nosfer-eye-tuClick to go to the pic on the page, size queens! Another entry in Amy Sedaris’ Googly Eyes on Food contest; this is from the same demented yet talented mind that brought you Shoggoth in a Tube. Personally, I think this, which didn’t even place, is a much finer example of the g-e-o-f principle than the ultimate weiner winner. I mean, who among us hasn’t made a weiner octopus already, I mean really, eh? But have you ever had the creativity and inspiration to make a severed unicorn head out of a garlic clove, and if you have, would it have occurred to you to set up a dramatic tableau referencing the immortal silent classic film Nosferatu?

I ask you that!

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