Category Archives: how to

IT LIVES! In your eyelashes!

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Ickypoopoo.

I think I saw something like that once in a horror movie. Godzilla killed itThis delightful creature is a Demodex folliculorum, or demodicid and you are its preferred food. Don’t you feel special?

There are probably several hundred of them on you right this minute. That’s okay, go take a shower; the Internet will still be here when you get back.

Oh, and they lay their eggs in your eyelashes. Sweet, eh? But there is some good news:

The mite’s digestive system results in so little waste that the mite doesn’t even have an excretory opening. So although there may be mites in your eyelashes, there isn’t any mite poop! Thank goodness!

Oh yeah, now I feel a whole lot better. I wonder if it’s impractical to cover your entire face in those Bioré strips…I shall attempt it and report back. Also, guys, if your sales spike because of this link, kickbacks in the form of nose strips are gratefully accepted. Don’t suppose you’ve got any “Eyelash Strips” in the works, eh?

On the topic of these strips, I must say that the wee fuckers are quite addictive. There’s something primal about peeling them off and checking for scream-inducing plugs of nameless gunk that formerly resided in your face, now comprising a tiny little eggshell-coloured forest on the underside of this Germanic piece of engineering. Tis a lovely feeling, like picking a scab and watching it come away leaving behind an open wound and several sticky threads of mysterious, colourless and nameless gel. Yum!

But, however much we at the ol’ raincoaster blog adore aforesaid pore-raping strips, however much we hate abovementioned icky facecrawlers, and however tight with a buck we may also be, we would not go to the lengths these ladies have.

Unless we were really desperate, and when does that ever happen, eh? Don’t answer that.

WE AT THE OL’ RAINCOASTER BLOG ASSUME NO LIABILITY IF YOU GLUE YOUR FACE SHUT. AND WE WILL LAUGH AT YOU CRUELLY AND TAUNT YOU AND TELL YOU YOU LOOK LIKE IVANA TRUMP, REALLY WE WILL.

Who’d have thought?

Elmer’s glue works just as well as Biore strips. Have you ever slathered the glue on your hands and watched it dry and then peeled it off? Spread a little glue on your acne-prone area and let it dry. Then, peel it off. It will “grab” every little particle of dirt and lift it away.
Stephanie

Another Elmer’s Glue Proponent

This substitute peel-off mask idea comes from Looking Good Newsletter.

You know those strips you can buy to remove blackheads and dirt from your face? Yep, they’re not cheap. There is another way to achieve the same results and at a cost of pennies, or less. It’s Elmer’s Glue. You heard me, good old fashioned Elmer’s Glue that most of us grew up using for one thing or another.

Apply a layer of glue on your face, concentrating on the nose area if that is a problem area for you. Let it dry completely and peel off as you would with a peel-off mask. Rinse what residue doesn’t come off when peeling. Feel your skin. Pretty nice, huh? Follow with a toner if you like.

Elmer’s Glue disclaimer: When using Elmer’s Glue as a beauty treatment, one should make sure they are not allergic to the product. While I don’t know the statistics of “Elmer’s Glue allergy,” there is a chance that someone, somewhere, is allergic to the stuff. Also, I would like to add that when applying glue to your face, it is not advisable to apply glue anywhere near the eyes to prevent the possibly hazardous “Glued Eye Syndrome.” Likewise for the mouth area.
A

Oh, I can think of a few people I wouldn’t mind giving a “Mouth strip facial” to.

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How to: care and maintenance of the swedish fish

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Cthulhu approved!Some of our readers here on the ol’ raincoaster blog are what is known as “fish-keepers.” Now, naturally you as a healthy, normal person will imagine that this is an obscure order of monks in service to the Esoteric Order of Dagon, but you would be wrong: these are people actually prefer fish as pets. Bizarrely, they often cohabitate with those who prefer cats as pets. I suppose it saves time when it comes to splitting the assets in case of divorce. If either of them prefers Chinese food then the circle is complete.

Some of these Fish-Keepers, also known as the so-called Fish People (as in “I’m Trudi! I’m a Cat Person!” although with Trudi you can just tell, she doesn’t need to say anything), take a great deal of pride in raising fish that no-one else in their watery circle has. Their aquariums are a positive R’lyeh of one-upmanship, as are their aquatic conversations.

eg:

“So Ned, got those albino mambafish breeding yet?”

and Ned, who has been trying to breed the albino mambafish for twelve years in the back of the hall closet and who only mentioned it last week because Alistair was being such an ass about his Piebald Pufferfish, grits his teeth and replies,

“Great, yeah Al, they’re doing great. What are you raising now?”

And Al, who suspects Ned is lying but who cannot prove it, but lives for that glorious day in the future, replies,

“Oh me? Well I caught a couple of live pygmy whale sharks on my last trip to Papaeete, gonna put them together, see what happens. Once I turn that spare bedroom into a walk-through aquarium, of course. You know that Better Housekeeping bought the plans from me?”

There are, of course, no pygmy whale sharks. But here’s something your competitive friends won’t find in any pet store! I guarantee you, not a one of those watery wankers is raising a brood of these, nor has any idea how to care for them!

The Care and Maintenance of the Swedish Fish

Table of Contents

Part 1 – Introduction to Swedish Fish

Most people believe that Swedish Fish are simply a tasty treat. This could not be further from the truth! Swedish Fish actually originated in (you guessed it) Sweden, but due to their sweetness, gumminess, and lack of bones, they are commonly bred in gummy-fish farms all over the world. After they are the proper age, they are then gathered up, processed, and bagged for consumption by evil individuals who care more for their sweets than for the life of innocent fishies!

Swedish Fish, ja!Just take a look at the picture to the right. Here we have a Swedish Fish straight from the package. Here are some signs that this Swedish Fish is in trouble!

  • Dehydration
  • Bulging eyes
  • Anxiety / Depression
  • Visible loss of fin-to-eye coordination
  • Need I go on?

It is up to you to rescue these poor creatures from the hands of the hungry! You must save them from a life of pre-packaged madness! Fortunately, Swedish Fish make perfect pets. Read below for more information!

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10 uses for a microwave oven

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Microwave Cooking...rumaki, pigs in curiously pale blankets, even how to do your turkey...ALBINO!Well you wouldn’t want to put your food in it; that would be hilariously retro! You might as well serve rumaki and Betty Crocker’s Bean and Frank Fiesta Casserole. If you do, give me a call: I love that shit.

In any case, here, straight from the Guardian, your quality source for breaking news and the last home of real free-range journalism, the heir to all our hopes and dreams and foggy memories of Cronkite and Murrow comes a list of ten useful but non-foodie things to do with your microwave.

“Throw it out” is not on the list.

Sponge, yo. Apparently, the British like to eat it!And by the way, before trying the sponge trick, do make sure the sponge is soaked in water and contains no metal bits. Since the story broke quite a number of people have managed to set sponges on fire, which is a neat trick if you’re a ten year old in the backyard and not so neat if you’re a fortysomething neurasthenic housewife in your $20,000 custom kitchen.

To the list!

Environmental engineers at the University of Florida report in a new study that zapping damp sponges and dishcloths for two minutes on full power in a microwave kills more than 99% of harmful bacteria. We asked the experts at the Good Housekeeping Institute to come up with 10 further novel uses for your oven.

1 Get more juice out of lemons and limes, by softening them on high for 15-20 seconds…

4 Dye up to 225g of material. Wearing rubber gloves, stir a packet of Dylon natural fabric dye with 200ml cold water in a bowl, add 400ml more water and immerse the fabric. Put the bowl inside a plastic bag in the microwave on high for four minutes. Remove, tip away the dye, and rinse the fabric in cold water. Wash in hot water, then dry away from direct heat or sunlight…

6 Melt wax for removing leg hair, on 80% power for 10 seconds, assuming it’s a full pot. Beware: it doesn’t need to boil!

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five rules for intellectuals

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also, don't pee on the couch. That's another good rule for intellectuals 

Not that we pay any attention to rules in the first place, but we’ve got to start with some kind of thesis statement before we can argue about it, right?

So here are five pieces of advice for intellectuals from steve fuller‘s book the intellectual, and yes, the lowercase is his, or at least his publisher’s. All true intellectuals respect one another’s case preferences.

  1. First, learn to see things from multiple points of view without losing your ability to evaluate them. Always imagine that at some point you will need to make a decision about what to believe of these different perspectives.
  2. Second, be willing and able to convey any thought in any medium. There would be little point in being an intellectual if you did not believe that ideas, in some sense, always transcend their mode of communication.
  3. Third, never regard a point of view as completely false or beneath contempt. There is plenty of truth and error to go around, and you can never really be sure which is which.
  4. Fourth, always see your opinion as counterbalancing, rather than reinforcing, someone else’s opinion.
  5. Fifth, in public debate fight for the truth tenaciously but concede error graciously.

Now, these seem like pretty sensible guidelines overall (although I hope we won’t see dancing about architecture any time soon) but he loses me and all other absolutists on #3, not that I expect it would bother him. What, you have to wonder, is the point of discussing ideas or attempting to determine truth if one ultimately doesn’t believe it is knowable? While it’s surely a good idea to develop the ability to argue effectively with anyone, no matter how moronic (an ability which, you may have noticed, escapes me utterly) it should never be believed that there is no reason to believe one idea rather than another; the last man who went that far was Beckett, and while he may indeed have been right, I fervently hope not. And, of course, if you are a #3-ist, you cannot disagree with me without rendering your own opposition absurd.

But then, we already know that if you disagree with me you are, by definition, absurd. I await your comments…

how to build a vulva

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A nice piece of jewelryHere’s another useful how-to which should be of great interest to a lot of people who spend too much time on the internet and not enough in the presence of vulvas. This one shows you how to make multiples, too, at no additional cost. Have as many as you like!

Don’t say I never did nuthin’ for ya! Stolen from Pharyngula just for you. Click through to the instructions and be sure to check out the many, many pictures.

The vulva is one of my favorite organs. Not only is it pretty and fun to manipulate, but how it responds tells us so much about its owner. And it is just amazing how much we’re learning about it now.

Don’t worry about clicking to read more…this article is full of pictures, but it is entirely work safe because it’s all about science.