Numa Numa Unicorn Chaser

Spock is logical awesome. The internet, on the other hand, is Illogical Awesome.

Spock is logical awesome. He runs a digital media marketing agency in Soho. The internet, on the other hand, is Illogical Awesome.

You can’t tell me kids can’t tell quality when they see it. They may not know why they’re reacting, but they can’t help themselves.

Same as you.

“I don’t think they’ve added the word to the dictionary to describe this.”

Actually, maybe they have, kid. Could be this one,

“Absence of Quality is the essence of squareness. ”
— Robert M. Pirsig (Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry Into Values)

“The result is rather typical of modern technology, an overall dullness of appearance so depressing that it must be overlaid with a veneer of “style” to make it acceptable. And that, to anyone who is sensitive to romantic Quality, just makes it all the worse. Now it’s not just depressingly dull, it’s also phony. Put the two together and you get a pretty accurate basic description of modern American technology: stylized cars and stylized outboard motors and stylized typewriters and stylized clothes. Stylized refrigerators filled with stylized food in stylized kitchens in stylized homes. Plastic stylized toys for stylized children, who at Christmas and birthdays are in style with their stylish parents. You have to be awfully stylish yourself not to get sick of it once in a while. It’s the style that gets you; technological ugliness syruped over with romantic phoniness in an effort to produce beauty and profit by people who, though stylish, don’t know where to start because no one has ever told them there’s such a thing as Quality in this world and it’s real, not style. Quality isn’t something you lay on top of subjects and objects like tinsel on a Christmas tree. Real Quality must be the source of the subjects and objects, the cone from which the tree must start.”
— Robert M. Pirsig

or maybe this one,

The precise value of the Golden Ratio is expressed mathematically as the never-ending and never-repeating number 1.6180339887…., a number that can go on indefinitely. Because of its infinite capacity, the Golden Ratio cannot be expressed as a whole number or as a fraction; it is therefore considered an irrational number. Greek mathematician Hippasus of Metapontum has been credited with the distinction of discovering this irrational basis of the Divine Proportion.

According to tradition, his discovery shocked the Pythagoreans whose world view is based on the integrity of whole numbers and their ratios, an integrity that has been extended beyond numbers to the harmonic progression of notes in musical scales and the cosmic harmony of the spheres.

or maybe it’s something else. But it’s something.

Also: what is it with the boys in the red shirts? They sure don’t last long as ensigns on Star Trek, but they obviously have their heads screwed on right; they’re the smartest ones on the video. And someone needs to switch that little girl in the splashy dress to decaf, stat!

Care for a flashback, Interwebs? The Original Numa Numa, with an estimated 700,000, 000 hits and counting.

Also, the next time some agency drone says, “We can make you a viral video” think about this. Think about the randomness, thing about the abandonment, the Gonzo, think about the passion that existed just in that one moment, just in that one take, and to which nearly three-quarters of a billion people have responded. And then ask yourself why this agency drone thinks they can do that for you, and then realize that he is knowingly lying to you.

Virality happens, and it happens for certain reasons, but some of those reasons are not adequately explained in a course on digital marketing, are they?

Artspeak, Closed Captioned for the Hipster-Impaired

Being a goddess is hungry work

Being a goddess is hungry work


Thank you, Charlotte Young, for this interminable (and delightful, once translated for the benefit of civilians) Artist’s Statement, which I have stolen from Gawker.

This girl is going to make a fucking FORTUNE writing grant proposals, I just know it. Compare and contrast with the ruling champeen, ARTIST’S STATEMENT N0. 45,730,944: PERFECT ARTISTIC WEBSITE by YOUNG-HAE CHANG HEAVY INDUSTRIES.

If I Were John Cusack

Well, I dunno about you. I only know about me. I’m solipsistic that way. But if I were John Cusack, I probably wouldn’t record anything as sweet and hipstery-dweebish as this song.

If I Were John Cusack, by Dr Pants and sorry about the All Caps: obviously the lyrics decoder was just trying to give it a bit of hip-hop energy or something.

IF I WERE JOHN CUSACK
I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’D BE LIKE
CUZ I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HIM
I ONLY KNOW THE CHARACTERS HE’S PLAYED

IF I WERE JOHN CUSACK
THE CHICKS MIGHT DIG ME MORE
BUT IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER
CUZ I’M ALREADY MARRIED ANYWAY

BUT IN TRIBUTE TO JOHN, I JUST WANNA SING

LANE MEYER AND LLOYD DOBLER
MARTIN BLANK AND ROB GORDON

IF I WERE JOHN CUSACK
I’D MAKE HIGH FIDELITY 2
AND I’D MAKE IT TOTALLY AWESOME
IT WOULD BE THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE

IF I WERE JOHN CUSACK
I’D STAY AWAY FROM ACTION FILMS
CUZ I WOULD KNOW THE TRUTH
ABOUT HOW IS AMPLE GENIUS IS BEST SERVED

AND IN TRIBUTE TO JOHN, I WILL ALWAYS SING

 LANE MEYER AND LLOYD DOBLER
MARTIN BLANK AND ROB GORDON

JOHN, MY FRIEND, YOU’VE HELPED ME THROUGH A LOT
SO IF I WERE YOU, I’D SHAKE MY OWN HAND
CUZ WHEN MOVIES START TO SUCK, AND THERE’S NOT A GOOD FILM TO BE FOUND
YOU’RE ALWAYS THERE, READY TO TAKE A STAND

John Cusack stars in Quoth Anything

John Cusack stars in Quoth Anything

Scientific Labs

Another in our ongoing series of servicey Public Service (and Slightly Redundant) Announcements: How to tell what kind of a lab it is by looking just at the outside.

Yellow Lab, Black Lab, Chocolate Lab, Meth Lab

Yellow Lab, Black Lab, Chocolate Lab, Meth Lab. Like the Seven Dwarfs, but crackier.

You’re welcome.

Related: the most destructive breeds of dog, in order of destructiviciousness in insurance claim money. I would like to draw your particular attention to #2, of which we have spoken before.

1. Great Dane £700

2. Chihuahua £638

3. Mastiff £586

4. Basset Hound £564

5. Whippet £519

6. English Setter £485

7. Bulldog £446

8. Dachshund £445

9. Boxer £404

10. Beagle £400

11. Greyhound £393

12. Dalmatian £388

13. Doberman Pinscher £380

14. Rottweiler £200

15. Border Collie £179

16. Labrador £172

17. Rhodesian Ridgeback £170

18. Newfoundland £163

19. Jack Russell £161

20. Golden Retriever £149

Once again, the Meth Lab:

Meth Lab Puppy dares you to make a fuss!

Meth Lab Puppy dares you to make a fuss!

Bonsai Kitten 2011!

bonsai pint kitten is a full 20 ounces

bonsai pint kitten is a full 20 ounces

Are you old enough to remember back in the days of Pet Rocks, when the biggest act in the world was the Osmonds and everyone and his dad (literally) collected Bonsai Kittens? Ah, those were the days (of Naugahyde and ponchos).

Sadly, after a brief but ubiquitous burst of popularity, the flame of the Bonsai Kitten‘s fame flickered and died, having only a brief revival once the Web had been invented and they could suddenly do mail order. Since then, they’ve been relegated to the back rooms of curiosity shops and the less reputable kitten mills of remote Mongolia.

All that is about to change, my friends.

Announcing the Self-Bonsai Kitten!

Isn’t that fantastic? Instead of growing Bonsai Kittens the old way, by hand, you can now purchase one of the specially bred kittehs who will auto-bonsai when presented with the proper receptacle.

No more this:

Bonsai Kitteh does not want to bonsai

Bonsai Kitteh does not want to bonsai

And we stumble gaily towards a world where everything, even our Bonsai Kittehs, are automatic.

The Seventh Seal Party Conga Line

The Seventh Seal Party Conga Line