All hail Devilstower, the author of this, the ultimate and definitive American political commentary. Jon (World’s Greatest American) Stewart should be so lucky as to write something this good.
via Fark.
The Constitution of the United States 2.0
As there have lately been so many changes to the basic functioning of the United States — a shift of powers here, a whittling away of rights there, it seems a good time to issue a revised version of the basic operating document. This is the real Republican Contract with America.We the Republicans of the United States, in Order to prevent any challenge to our continued Supremacy, free ourselves from the Confines of Justice, placate the Tranquil masses, degrade the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of War Profiteering for ourselves and our Friends, do ordain and establish Constitution 2.0 for the United States of America.
ARTICLE I
Section 1
All legislative Powers are hereby ceded to the Executive branch, though the Congress will still make a Grand Noise and wave their arms as if they give a Damn.Section 2
The House of Representatives will consist of those best able to Lick the Boots of the Lobbyists and Corporations lining their pockets.No one can be a Representative unless Fox News says that he is a Patriotic American,
Representation shall be apportioned based on numbers of people willing to Pay for the Privilege. The actual Enumeration shall be made whenever it is of benefit to Republicans.
Representatives will choose a Speaker and other Officers by how willing these Officers are to turn a blind eye to the Crimes of Republicans and how Loudly they will Declare the Daily Talking Points.
Section 3
The Senate shall… oh hell, just see Section 1.The Vice President shall be President of the Senate and can use any Four Letter Word he wants in talking to Senators, so F-You, Leahy.
Section 4
Elections will be held whenever Diebold is prepared to provide the Right Results.Section 5
Each House shall make a mockery of policing itself and shall be free to throw out all the Democrats they want, but Republicans who engage in Pederasty shall be protected.Section 6
Republican Senators and Representatives will enjoy a Revolving Door of organizations who pay for votes, and give them jobs any time they are taking a break.Section 7
The House and Senate shall apply a large Rubber Stamp to every suggestion issued by the President.Section 8
The House shall raise all the taxes they want on the poor and middle-class so long as they leave the Rich alone.The Congress will dodge all responsibility for decisions on War.
Section 9
The rules of Immigration shall be set in a way that protects Republican majorities.Section 10
Any treaties are not worth the paper they are Written on.ARTICLE II
Section 1
The President can do anything he wants, that’s what’s good about being President. Heh heh.Section 2
The President can wear any uniform he wants and pretend to fly planes.Section 3
The President and the Congress should split some beers now and then, but he doesn’t have to invite any Democrats.Section 4
Having sex is a good Reason to get rid of a President. Lying, being Incompetent, Wasting Billions, and getting Thousands of Americans Killed, is fine.ARTICLE III
This Article was full of that Judge stuff, so we just took it out.ARTICLE IV
We can declare any place we want part of the United States so they can call their stuff “Made in the USA,” but don’t go thinking they get representation.ARTICLE V
Amendments to the Constitution will only be for Really Important Stuff, like how scared we are of Homos and Foreign People.ARTICLE VI
You can ignore any part of this Constitution if it gets in the way of Profit or something that gets Republicans elected.ARTICLE VII
People are supposed to be afraid all the Time, otherwise they do too damn much Thinking.
raincoaster 