Sandra Bullock’s Sex Tape

Ooooh, this is ugly.

You’ve read the revolting rumours about the Sandra Bullock sex tape, featuring America’s Sweetheart and that low-life, unworthy scumbag who crawled into her bed while she was drunk or something.

Unspeakable. Disgusting.

And, of course, now presented for your enjoyment by the ol’ raincoaster blog. Watch it while you still can:

Oh my, she IS nasty, isn’t she? “While You Were Sleeping…On My Face” is a helluva title!

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Spork: the Fanfic, the Audio, the Masterpiece

Sexual Tension: what, you don't see it?

It’s not the slightest bit Christmassy, but this just can’t wait. Its urgency is palpable. (go on, palpate it)

Spork, a humble re-edit of Zachary Quinto‘s audiobook from the recent Star Trek movie is nothing more than the greatest iteration of fan fiction in the Kirk/Spock slash canon, including the hitherto-untouchable Closer music video.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

stolen from Movieline

His lower lip swollen, Spock looked up at him. It was difficult to tell, but it was possible that he was pleased.

Spock wasn’t finished. Abruptly he stood up. “Gngngfnferrrrnrrfgggg!” Kirk was more than slightly confused. “What?” Spock was forced to swallow.

Go on, read the whole thing at Livejournal. You know you want to.

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The benefits of turtleneck wearing

Well this does explain the enduring popularity of turtlenecks. I’ve always sort of wondered why someone like Pierre Trudeau was so fond of them, but then, if you were married to this…

Margaret Trudeau, yo

Well, wouldn’t you prefer this?

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Beaver Shots: how to eat beaver

Beaver freaks out Mel Gibson

Yes, this is a post about how to eat beaver. Not just ANY beaver, you understand; we have us some STANDARDS around these parts (these ones right down…here) and will not show you how to gnaw on gristly old beaver, the kind like an old baseball mitt made out of bbq jerky.

This kind:

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. “After all, dear,” she said to her husband, “You wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?”

“No,” her husband replied. “Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver.”

No indeed!

We’re all about the fresh, young beaver here. Although perhaps not as much as the lesbians down at Lick might like, now that we think of it.

Where were we? Oh yes, speaking of ourselves in the second-person plural, for no reason we can fathom other than it’s practice for when Randy Andy comes to his senses, loses some weight, and gets his butt off the golf course and marries me. Or Hot Ginge, I’m easy.

Anyway, it does look like some people could use instructions for the most basic things, like the great Canadian (yes, it’s Canadian, check out the website) art of beaver-eating. Why, we’ve even got 1/24th of each day devoted to beaver!

beaver john mccain

Dude, it’s too late for us to help you. Whereas, in my country beaver-eating is a competitive sport.

And the Aussies are no slouches at taking care of beavers, as you can see in this video that Metro has been waiting almost exactly one year for me to steal.

The Brits, on the other hand, have to go to great, bureaucracy-enveloping lengths to be reintroduced to beavers. What, they don’t have Lavalife there? Apparently, they killed every one they could find, thus bringing to life the old cliche about, If I see something I’ve never seen before, I’ll shoot it. Boarding school has a lot to answer for, I’m telling you.

Russia, of course, being somewhat desperate and all out of ponies and small children since Yeltsin sold every mammal larger than a husky, has developed its own way to prepare beaver for eating, and here it is, with photos. Warning! Very wet and lots of bare flesh!

The Catholic Church, surprisingly, has no issue with the Beav, and encourages people to eat it on Friday. Well, it’s a start, I guess.

The 17th century Catholic Church actually declared beavers to be a fish according to dietary restrictions, meaning they are ok to eat on both Fridays and throughout Lent.

Well, this should be more widely known, is all I have to say about the matter!

Some organizations can be so forward-thinking. Look at the Boy Scouts, for instance:

Did you know that the US Cub Scouts give a Silver Beaver award? I nearly got thrown out of the leader’s meeting for laughing so much when they gave it to a retired woman with grey hair.

Hmmm, it’s given for Outstanding Service to Youth. I know more than one or two beavers that would qualify under those criteria!

In the spirit of these fine organizations and countries comes a post from Bug Girl on her serendipitous discovery of a tome of wisdom devoted, at least in substantial part, to instructions on pleasing one’s wife with wild games and, of course, the preparation and consumption of beaver.

How to please your wife with wild games

How to eat beaver

The author claims the meat is “dark, moist and tender”; Hmmmm, sounds like somebody’s got a touch of Jungle Fever.

I wonder if it has some tips on how to stuff a beaver? It’s been so long I’ve forgotten.

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Amateur Beaver Video: wet and wild beaver shots!

Yes, here it is, just what you’re looking for. LITERALLY what you’re looking for, if you came via a search: amateur beaver video, shot outdoors, and soaking wet. Feast your eyes on this beauty:

Don’t say I never did nuthin’ for ya!

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