I think we can abolish CSIS, MI6 and the CIA now. We have the Liquor Freedom Indicator to take and transmit the temperature of any geopolitical hotspots.

Imagine the savings: total cost = the bar tab for a double Johnny Walker Black on the rocks in a bar in the capital of each nation. Compare that to an estimated $30 billion for the CIA alone, $200 million for CSIS, and £776 million for MI6. Hmmm…

I shall get to work on the travel grant application immediately.

Americans need to know who their friends are and now. That’s been a tall order since long before Archie Bunker wondered what trick Nixon had up his sleeve pretending to make peace with the ChiComs. Our own State Department is standing proof that you can spend seven years at Georgetown, ace the Foreign Service Exam, and still not know your Assyrians from your asshole.

Today, the world’s a ball of confusion, right? War in Iraq, Lebanon, Uzbekistan, Timor, Somalia, Gaza, Backwaterstan, and Toledo. The quickly shifting sands of foreign relations have increased the complexity of the U.S.’s ties, alliances, and uneasy truces from “merely knotty” to “what the hell are we doing?” If war is God’s way of teaching Americans geography, are asymmetrical, urban, guerrilla conflicts with non-state actors God’s way of making geography irrelevant?

Average Americans consistently demonstrate no understanding of expected return, octane ratings, and what the hell their legislators voted for last session. They’re never going to get ahead of the foreign policy learning curve unless someone can simplify the process. That’s why I try to distill all analysis of a foreign country’s structure, culture, and prospects for success down to booze.

So without further ado, I give you the liquor freedom indicator.

There follows an dryly exhaustive analysis of Pakistan, Gaza, Saudi Arabia, Beirut, Northern Lebanon, Southern Lebanon, and Iraq. So to speak.

Still no word on Salt Lake City.