Category Archives: Religion

Letter o’ the Day: Dear Gawker, The Voices Say You Wanna Ride Shotgun

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Hell, I’d say yes. At this point, it would be a step up.

Go to the Gawker site for the, uh, 50+ comments (did I mention I’m a Gawker commenter now? Well, guess what? I’m a GAWKER FUCKING COMMENTER NOW, bytches but I’m all, like, cool about it and shit) but I will repost the whole letter here. Hell, I’d even include the real name if I knew it.

“Bonnie Fuller“?

John, meet Mark

From the mailbox, presented without comment:

Gawker,

• I’m trying to be #2 at US weekly, and have a paradigm shift for achieving this; my intuition is that if you could be on the staff of US, you would take it

• My soulmate is a hollywood actress, and I’ve been waiting patiently for her, for almost 5 years; I can demonstrate that we’re soulmates and I’m infinitely confident she would say yes

• I receive concrete signs from GOD, and can offer proof to ANY reporter in REAL TIME; I’ve been getting signs for over 4 years – I can assure you I’m not crazy or delusional

No, really. I'm not insane

My goal is to reach the editor of US weekly, Janice Min, and present her with my signs as well as my new paradigm for the success of her magazine. In exchange for your help, I promise you that if I get on the staff of US weekly, so will you. I have a bold new idea that I believe will be extremely popular and very invigorating to implement. It will be very rewarding and life-affirming working for US.

I have an intuition about youI feel good about this. No, really., as well as your website, that’s why I’m proposing this arrangement (US) to you.

Can we have an e-mail dialogue? Can I send you some of the signs?

Sincerely,
[xxx]

Is it so wrong of me to hope they say “yes”?

Laughing Yoga

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Check out Laughing Yoda here, currently standing at over 110,000 hits on YouTube. Dressed like Elizabeth Taylor at Studio 54, sounding like a cross between a bald eagle being burnt alive and that smiley guy in The Shining, the wee wonder reminds me of nothing so much as a diminutive Jedi on crack.

And ether. 

I know we’ve been video-heavy today, and I saw this days ago but didn’t click on it, but this is just unmissable. Really, you cannot look yourself in the face (in the mirror) as a time-waster and thoughtless pursuer of mindless amusement if you haven’t watched this video.

Once again, Perez was the source for this insanity. Blame Perez.

my summer vacation 3.0

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Come on, he said. Get in the car, he said. It’ll be great, he said. You’ll like it, he said.

You see this coming a mile away, don’t you?

“I’ll take you on a nice, scenic drive through the wine country, raincoaster,” said Metro. “Doesn’t that sound nice?”

Sure did. So into the car hopped one unsuspecting Vancouverite.

I should have suspected something when I spotted the sign that said we were on the road to the dump. “Sanitary landfill,” excuse me.

Eventually we toured quite a slice of the back country, the kind of mountains where the Akeleys and Whatleys confer on strangely bald mountaintops, between huge menhirs placed there by unknown beings long before the Poquassetts settled the land in the tenth century BC.

We passed the dump at about minute fifteen. I should have jumped. The raccoons would have been swift and merciful.

Instead, we did not turn around until well past the dump, well past the reservoir, well past the…fucking pavement’s end. Eventually the gravel turned to rocks and boulders, and Metro was persuaded to give up or sacrifice the undercarriage of the non-off-road-equipped Ford.

We turned around, actually, just past the sign that said we had reached Cowpat Farm.

We had left Lovecraft territory entirely, and entered Shirley Jackson‘s godforsaken lands.

Crazy Sunday

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Forget the Narnia Raps. Reverend Alecia here is the one true Internet insanity. Judging by the effects, the fact that rotating computer chairs were available, and that the Tootie hairstyle was still au courant, I’m pegging this at about 1983, and off the crazy scale.

Give Thanks! that you’re not as whack as Reverend Alecia

From Perez Hilton, who knows a crazy, chairdancin’ bitch when he sees one.

MP3 o’ the Day: The Rite of Exorcism

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Now that’s what I call long-playing. Going since the zero-th century Daily Exorcise(BC and AD, although not AC or DC) and still popular. Here is the Catholic Rite of Exorcism, available for all your home exorcision needs.

From WFMU’s Beware of the Blog:

The Rite of Exorcism

Now that the dreaded date of 6/6/06 has passed seemingly without incident, will the apocalyptic religious hysteria (and the mockery thereof) cease?  Heavens, no!  Not if Beware of The Blog has anything to say about it.  And where would the God franchise be anyway without its archenemy and eternal whipping boy—Lucifer, the Bringer of Light?  Are we all so confident that “nothing happened” on June 6?  How could we possibly be?  Babies were born, to be sure—so we’ll see, I guess.

If, in the coming weeks, you find yourself speaking in unfamiliar, ancient tongues, exhibiting Tourette’s-like symptoms, or contorting your body in new, unusual ways (without the benefit of a Yoga class), you may in fact be in need of a ritual demonectomy—an exorcism—one of the oldest and most hushed ceremonies of the Christian church…

“Knowing when to exorcise and when to refer for psychiatric treatment is a nagging problem for priests.”  Wow.  And you thought the priesthood was a cakewalk.

The Rite of Exorcism Part the First

The Rite of Exorcism Part the Second

We assume no liability. We do, however, want to hear all about it after you try this at home. Kinda reminds me of that book “Sex for Dummies” in that Dummies, of all the people in the world, are the last ones who deserve or, for the sake of the species should be having, sex. Do-it-yourselfers, trundling happily around Rona or Home Depot or Canadian Tire, looking for calico cow stencils and whatever Debbie Travis told them to buy that day, are perhaps the last people on the planet who should be entrusted with the task of expelling demons.

They have power tools. And cow stencils. That’s all I’m saying.